The Lion of the Moguls Page #6

I mean, Ive had sex before.

Its so boring around here,

Ive actually had a lot of it.

Ive even gone to a lot of trouble

just to try and keep

the sex interesting,

you know, just to compensate

for the quality of life around here,

which is so boring

that I keep myself busy by having sex.

And, well, youre paying,

so that makes it the best

offer that Ive had today.

And then theres also the unknown.

So... yeah.

Count me in.

So we're off and running.

Good ol' Moe-Ron really

came through for us.

They got us... are you ready?

Three black guys, no problem.

How about that? Yeah, I said three.

I've seen as many as a busload

in these "big black guys with

a little white girl" scenes,

but, you know, three

is... is respectable.

They live here in Butterface Fields.

Moe-Ron, they work with

them at the factory.

Now smile.

I went down to the factory.

Gave them the whole story.

They couldn't have been more game.

Thought it sounded like fun.

So anyway, here we are.

They're nice fellas.

Uh, oh, you're wondering

how we got to film at the Softy Freeze?

This is Roy, the manager.

He gets to stay and watch.

He even threw in free snacks.

We're pretty good filmmakers, huh?

We had already gotten a

couple of normal scenes,

and we're about ready

to do our first, uh...

Sex scene 1, take 1.

...sex scene.

If I could have everyones

attention, please?

Quiet on the set!

One voice, please!

- Thank you.

- No, I got to go.

Were about to shoot the porno.

Cool.

Thank you.

Were almost ready for our first take.

I'm going to speak with my actors now.

Hello, actors.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Charlene, youre a

Softy Freeze employee.

All I need from you

is to just be yourself.

And on this night, youre working late.

These guys are the cleanup crew.

Theres no one here but you and them.

Now, were picking up the scene

after youve seduced them

by bending over and picking

things up off the floor

in your short little

Softy Freeze skirt.

Weve established that

sex is going to be had.

Were going to lose

the towels and robes,

and on "action", you three guys

are going to ravage

the hell out of Charlene

on the Softy Freeze counter.

As we discussed, lets

really go to town here.

Its a big night for you guys.

Normally its just moppin",

but tonight its boffin'.

Art imitating life here?

No acting required, all right?

- Excuse me.

- Thanks.

Are there any questions?

Okay, lets lose the robe and towels.

Excuse me, Some,

maybe we should give

them a little privacy.

What?

Well...

And, were going to

end up seeing it anyway.

Were filming it.

But that... thats kind of different,

you know, removed.

Were standing here.

It doesnt seem right.

I agree with Andy.

Seems right to me. Why do this, then?

How do we make a film without looking?

Lets just do the best we can, hmm?

Okay.

Okay.

Everybody turn around.

So lets lose the robe and towels.

Whoa.

Are they off?

Action.

Uh, uh, uh, eh, Some,

you better have a look at this.

Oh!

Cut. Cut.

Those are your penises?

Mm-hmm.

Andy, I cant work with these.

Guys...

Did all your parents work in the

same nuclear plant or something?

All right, lets... lets take a break.

Uh, fellas.

This is bullshit.

Oh, I dont know.

Theres something wrong

with the black guys"

penises or something.

This is the "young little white

girl with the big black guys" scene.

None of you are bouncers.

Two of you arent over 5"6".

What did you think I meant by "big"?

Lesson number 1

when making a film.

no one gets a part without

dropping their pants.

Ah, you live and you learn.

This... This was bad.

We lost Charlene.

Her family had a vacation

to Florida booked.

Her grandma's down there.

All we had was Ellie

from the bed store,

and with only one actress,

it was going to be very hard

to come up with enough

sex for a full-length film.

And then there's the guys, you know?

We had no guys.

Important meeting. Okay.

So we definitely didn't want to waste

the momentum we had going here.

Brainstorming time.

Here's what came out of the meeting.

We decided that we would

each go our own separate ways

and come back with

actresses for our film.

Divide and conquer.

It was up to the individual

to forge his own path

and design a way we'd

emerge victorious.

Moose had an interesting idea.

Girls, please.

Girls.

I have a very exciting opportunity

that I'm very happy to be

able to offer you today.

Peggy was in Playboy,

like, uh, 15 years ago.

It was just one little picture

in the "Girls of Figure Skating" issue.

Peggy wasn't a figure skater,

but, uh, you know, had a nice figure

and was in charge

of the rental skates at the rink,

so good enough as far

as Playboy was concerned.

Uh, the plus side.

she worked before with her clothes off.

We all agreed Some

should take this time

to rewrite the script.

Ma! I'm hungry, please!

Barney had other plans for the day.

Most of their lives

they've known each other.

Barn's never stopped trying.

You are such a jerk.

You think this outfit

makes me look cheap?

Dont you own a mirror?

- I'm serious.

- Me, too.

Look, Helen,

I happen to have the solution for you.

Now, this is excellent advice.

Ive always kind of

dabbled in PR, and this...

Barney, you are nothing but a

lousy refrigerator repairman.

I'm acquainted with my own profession.

But just listen to this

campaign Ive put together

to improve your image.

Right now, the way

you present yourself,

youve taken away all the many aspects

that comprise a human being

as their right of birth,

and youve reduced

yourself to only one aspect:

Babaloos.

Now, me? I'm just a guy.

A poor schnook, a repairman.

Yeah, of nothing but refrigerators.

Otis had an interesting idea as well.

We're a stew of quite

a mlange of flavors,

uh, wouldn't you say?

"Mlange" means "mixture", by the way.

Uh, I should have just said "mixture".

Getting a little

carried away here. Sorry.

Hiya.

Well, hi to you, honey.

I used to choke my

Chattanooga choo-choo

to you at least once a day.

Some days not just twice.

Oh, a sweet talker, huh?

You babysitted me.

You were a friend of my sisters.

Youre Vera Bracey.

Youre little Otis?

- Oh.

- Yeah.

You were so cute!

Oh, hey, Andy.

What can I do for you?

Oh, uh... aspirin, Ill

take some of that aspirin.

Okay.

Here you go. Got a headache?

Oh, no, no. I'm fine.

Uh, I knew you sell it here.

I'm out at home.

You got something on your mind?

My mind? No, no. Why?

"Cause most people dont

stop by the ball field

to pick up their aspirin.

Life is about new experiences.

And you got a peach

of a pair, by the way.

I'm not knocking your knockers.

And I know youre more

than just babaloos.

But how do we get

everyone else to know that?

Heres how that could happen.

Heres how that would happen.

You start doing me.

Oh...

This is excellent advice.

Youd want to see me

bent over the sofa

taking it up the a...

So, Peggy, a funny thing,

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