The Lion of the Moguls Page #7

but, uh, I was, uh, getting my hair cut

the other day at the barber shop.

I was waiting my turn

and, uh, browsing

the magazines they offer there,

and, well, they offer quite a few,

uh, and they happened

to have Playboy there.

You know, its a barber

shop. A lot of men come there,

so I guess they figure

that men might like to

glance at the Playboy

- while waiting to have their hair cut.

- Right.

And I was reminded

that, uh, you were once in Playboy.

Believe I heard...

heard that somewhere.

And I was, you know,

just wondering, uh...

what was that like?

Don't stop me

So nice to see you.

Don't stop me

About time they got

rid of shaking hands.

Do you mind?

Do I mind if you rub my dick?

Yeah.

No, it saves me the trouble.

I'm trying to think of the last time

I was asked a question that stupid.

Girls, please!

Look, we wont mention it again!

Forget I brought it up!

- Go away!

- What porno?

Floyd, could I please

get another cherry soda?

Then they find out we are doing it,

and it changes everything.

They realize youre not

some "dime a dozen" bimbo.

If you were, you wouldnt be with me.

You must be a person of great worth.

Now, all we got to do

to make this happen is,

I move in to your place,

and we start having sex all the time.

Constant sex is important.

Then, who knows?

It was years before anybody

looked at me the same.

I think, you know, they thought

I was some wild thing

who loved to take her clothes off

instead of just some struggling

young woman who had been

held up at gunpoint that month

and couldnt pay her rent.

Well, luckily, then, that

was, you know, a long time ago,

a distant memory, and you certainly

wont ever have to do

anything like that again.

You certainly have

a great-looking kid.

Yeah.

Okay.

Andy?

If youre looking for

a way to ask me out,

you dont have to work so hard.

- Oh, no?

- No.

When?

Clearly, I lacked the necessary tools

to be a successful pornographer.

I'm sorry, I let you all down.

No, you didnt, Andy.

Well...

No, you tried your best, Andy.

We all did.

Just a bad day for all of us.

An especially bad day for my hair.

Fellas, V. V, fellas.

Shes ready to porno.

To V!

V!

Heres to V.

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Okay, remember Homer

and the other black guys

who were supposed to be

in that "big black guys

with the little white girl "scene?

Well, none of them,

or Charlene got the

other half of their money,

because they ended

up not doing the job.

Well, Homer and his

friends have decided

that they're owed the other half.

They feel real strongly about it.

So I get a call from Homer.

He wants to talk this over

man-to-man here at Meyer's.

We feel were owed the money,

if for nothing else, because

of the way you treated us.

Things, well...

they may have gotten

a little out of hand.

We werent as kind as

we should have been,

and so I apologize.

Id be happy to get the

other guys, too, Homer,

but what I dont

think you realize is...

we got nothing for the

3,000 we already gave you.

Now you want us to give you

another three for more nothing,

plus Charlenes thou?

You know, thats a third of our

budget flushed down the toilet.

Well, thats not our problem, is it?

No. No, thats our problem,

and thats why we cant do as you ask.

You said 2,000 a man.

Yeah, half for showing up,

half for doing the job.

But you didnt give us

a chance to do the job.

No, you couldnt do the job.

You know, the job was to...

you know, have sex with

Charlene utilizing a...

lets call it proper porno penis.

And, Homer, I was real

clear with you guys

when I went over the deal with...

You just assumed we had big d*cks.

Thats right.

Because were black.

What do we know about penis?

That, coupled with the

fact that you never told us

you had improper porno penises,

- when we told what we needed...

- No, no, no.

What you wanted to do

was to humiliate us.

We went to all that trouble to

humiliate you? Spent all of that money?

Homer, I'm in big trouble

without that scene.

I have never in my life had any extra

to spend on humiliating people.

Are the white guys who do

your movie getting humiliated?

What does that mean?

A funny penis is a funny penis,

regardless of race, creed, or religion.

Then why did it have to be black guys?

It was a "black guys

with a white girl" scene.

Could I have another

hunk of pie, please?

You know, this is my first porno.

I'm not a pornographer,

I'm just a schnook looking to score.

I'm not a president of the

film board whos decreed

that every porno's got to have

some tiny little white girl

experiencing whopping black baloney.

But why do I have to

make the omelet with eggs?

You know, what do we know?

Were trying to make a porno.

Youre trying to turn

this into a black thing.

Why are you doing that?

Well, isnt it?

Homer, I'm never...

I... I dont have time to be a racist.

I dont do, okay? I try.

And I'm trying to make a porno,

because its something I

think I might be able to do,

because its killing me

I havent done anything.

You know, people who

do, they have extra time,

not us trying people.

Were busy trying all the time.

Nothing takes up more time than trying.

- We wanted to try.

- Yeah, but you couldnt do!

Not without porno penis!

Do you think, if I could do anything,

I would pick, "make a porno"?

I cant afford the goddamn good ball!

Look, you hired three black men

to do a job that you had

to have three black men for.

But you didnt pay them in full,

and you are sitting here saying

to me that it isnt a black thing.

Black penis thing!

Black penis! Black penis!

Then why does it have

to be three black men?

Because they are the ones

with the black penises.

F*** you.

Come on.

All right, I admit it.

Were prejudiced against small penises

I will not do it.

Give me a sec, would you?

Helen?

Oh, hey, how ya doin", Barney?

Youre crying.

I am not.

Yes, you are. Why are you crying?

I am not crying.

Helen, not again.

God. Leave me alone, Barney.

Helen, every week you

find some terrific new guy

to let crap all over you.

Theres a lot of guys that

need to take a crap, Helen.

Why dont you have a little

more respect for yourself?

You might as well do our porno.

Were paying, and it beats

the choices youve been making.

Yeah, youd like that, wouldnt you?

What? No.

I may as well because

I... I need the money.

Maybe I ought to.

Yes!

Emmett!

Emmett!

Get your camera! Lets go!

I said no.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

You know, I wish I

had more for you to...

I dont care.

Its just that youre my kid,

so I care about all

kinds of nutty stuff.

Its a pain in the ass.

So, I was with Billy,

and I found out later what Helen did.

Ma, you need anything, holler.

This being spur of the moment and all,

Some didn't want to give Hel

a chance to change her mind,

so he made the executive decision

to have Hel do the "gal

masturbating with toys" scene.

There's something that I want to say

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