The Lion of the Moguls Page #8

But words sometimes get in the way

I just want to...

Eventually, we all realized

that this was going to have

to be a work in progress.

What we had here was a film concept.

Here's what it is.

We're in a small town...

Let me get this right, now.

The film, it's seen through

the eyes of our lead character,

but we never see our

lead character, see?

This guy who lives in this small town,

he goes through his day and

he bumps into a lot of sex.

Here, the guy stops

by to visit his friend,

played by Helen.

He peers through the window,

and catches her, uh, playing.

We didn't make this porno

to turn our friends into porn stars.

That was never the idea.

I wasn't happy about this.

Some was under strict instructions

never to operate alone.

Uh, we needed that scene, though,

and, well, now we had it.

Our porno film had sex in it.

For almost a day.

Then when Some told me about it,

the first thing I did, of course,

was to call Barney to see if he knew.

He told me he did and

that he didn't care,

Helen's business is Helen's business.

Yeah.

Hey.

You all right?

Yeah. But, uh...

I gotta have the film of Helen, Andy.

I'm sorry, I really am.

I know we need it, but... I love her.

So, uh, whatever you paid her,

you can take it out of my end,

if there is a "my end".

And if I need to owe you, Ill owe you.

Barney.

Thanks. ILL see you tomorrow.

I was starting to doubt if

we were any good filmmakers.

We'd spent over half our budget

and had nothing to show for it.

But, still, I believed in us,

and I had this feeling

that we could do this.

It was just time to

get angry, try harder.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Had to drive this baby home.

Okay, we wanted to use not

only Ellie from the bed store,

but the bed store itself in the porno.

We wanted Ellie to do a lesbo scene,

and we were hoping

that she could supply

a partner to do it with.

There was always V,

but we were using her

for a number of other things.

Anyway, it was up to me,

and that's the only way

I'd have it this time.

This time, I wanted to go in,

and there was only one

way I was coming out.

victorious.

May I help you?

Oh, I'm Andy Sargentee.

We havent met yet.

I'm the producer on the film

that my friend Otis spoke to you about.

Oh.

I, uh, I just wanted to, uh,

talk to you about it and...

Its really nice to

meet you. I'm Ellie.

Wow. Its so great that you stopped by

"cause I was gonna call you.

I had an idea.

I was wondering if maybe I could do...

a... lesbian scene?

That would be my preference.

I think... I think... Yeah.

And, um, I had another thought.

This place would make such a great set

for a porno film...

with all the beds and all.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

To be honest, the only

reason I work here is "cause

I love sex so much. Duh.

Anyway, the only catch is,

if youre interested in using it,

I spoke to the owner,

shes recently divorced,

and she won the store

in her settlement,

and shes fine with you using it.

We could shoot it on Sunday.

The store is closed.

But...

She... she would have to be

my partner in that scene.

Hmm.

Look, there she is now.

Oh...

The highs and lows

come too close together

in this business.

I'll bet the lows last longer.

Her name was Veronica.

And right now, all I cared about

was that fantastic,

"nothing beats it" feeling

you get when something works out.

Otis, no guts, no glory.

We shot the scene on Sunday.

Our lead, who you never see,

goes to buy a new bed.

The sales gal is already

busy with a customer

when he gets there.

Ellie plays the sales

gal, Veronica the customer.

Our new favorite thing,

all of ours, lesbians.

We love lesbians.

We're having the buttons and t-shirts

made up right now.

Ellie and Veronica were great.

You could've turned on the

camera and gone to lunch.

They knew how to make and

keep a scene interesting.

I don't know, they're

naturals or something.

I mean, they'd just do something...

I don't know how they came up with it,

it's anybody's guess.

You know, Some would go,

"Yeah, more of that. "

And...

Boy, did we get more of that.

We love lesbians.

We were in trouble again.

Highs and lows, remember?

Ridiculously close together?

It was time for a scene with V,

and we had no guys.

This sucks. God damn it.

This shouldnt be hard!

Hey, who wants to get laid?

Somethings not right with the world.

Boy, the stars are out of place.

You know, thats why

the weathers so weird.

You know, when I think of all the gals

whod happily do this for me, you know,

"cause they feel like they owe me,

if you catch my drift.

And in a freaky fluke,

theyre all away in China

or Africa, you know,

places without phones.

Ask for guys. Wow.

Moose, this is serious.

We dont have time for your stuff.

Okay? Just shut up. Youre a homo.

So dont with that crap, not now.

A homo?

A homo?

What are you, nuts?

Me, a homo?

He's kidding, Moose.

Well, thats a laugh.

You know, boy is that a laugh.

Yeah, it sure is. Good one, Otis.

Stop! Stop! We dont

have time for this!

We got to keep our eye on the ball

and drive this home, God damn it.

Youre a homo. Period. The end. There.

Now we dont have to do that anymore.

- Otis, dont.

- Look, thats okay.

Youre upset, Otis. I understand that.

Look, Ill, uh, Ill call some...

some, uh, ladies I know, you know.

Some other ones, you know,

the ones that are not

away or... or sick.

Thanks. That would be great.

Doesnt change the

fact that youre a homo.

I am not gay!

Then youre a spy deep

undercover. Only other possibility.

- Look, I am straight!

- I'm rich and bright.

Moose, if you dont know youre gay,

allow me to introduce you to yourself.

Moose, this is you: Ass master.

Anything else about yourself youre

oblivious to that I can help you with?

Your hair is brown. You wear glasses.

Why would you think that?

Do... Do you know how

many women Ive had?

If I had money, all

of it would be on none.

Moose, Moose, Moose, look.

Beer bottle.

Red apple.

Guzzler.

Andy, Ill do the scene with V.

- No!

- Moose.

I insist. Look, we need an

actor for tomorrows scene.

Its nothing I havent done before.

For the good of the

film, I will save the day.

I wont take no for an answer, Andy.

Oh, Otis.

- Wait...

- Moose.

We came up for this character for V.

Uh, she plays this lovable, bit

older member of the community

who's like everybody's favorite aunt.

you know, always feeding you and stuff.

Uh, only that's just a facade.

She's really a hot and sexy sexpot,

and, uh, we call her Aunt V.

Were rolling.

Okay, and action.

I... did say action, right?

Yes.

Okay, good. Just making sure.

V, how are we doing?

Nothings happening.

Do you want me to do something?

Do you want some help, honey?

No. No.

Just give me a moment.

Sure, Moose, sure.

Look, the cameras are

rolling whenever youre ready.

Uh, theres an acting

technique called substitution.

Just mentioning.

Emmett.

Youre the cameraman, so

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