The Lion of the Moguls Page #9

you have to take a look.

Moose, V,

Emmetts the cameraman.

He's just going to

take a quick look, okay?

Come on. Gee...

He's... He's not just making slow,

passionate, quiet love, by any chance?

Oh, no. No.

This definitely isnt a action porno.

Lets just leave him alone

in there for a few minutes.

Thats probably what

Liberaces dad said:

"Leave him alone with a naked

porno babe for a few minutes. "

Guys.

I have something I have to tell you.

I'm gay.

Oh, we dont care at

all, you know, Moose?

Yeah, Moose, whatever you like.

I was the one who told you.

The hell with gay.

Youre terribly forgetful.

But it makes me different

from the rest of you.

You know, youre all heterosexuals.

Yeah, but...

horrible ones.

Yeah. Were not any good at it.

I'm glad youre gay. If by

some miracle I get a gal,

youre one guy I wont have

to worry about stealing her.

Will we still watch games together?

Now well get to watch games together.

You wont be saying clich

male sh*t all the time.

- Its gonna be great.

- But now I'm the gay guy.

You were always the gay guy, Moose,

just like I'm the

good-Looking guy, huh?

Look, none of us are prizes.

Gay doesnt even rank.

Yeah, gays a good day for us.

So I'm still part of the gang?

Part of the gang?

Moose, youre our friend. We...

We cherish you, buddy.

Moose.

So...

Of course were not

very discriminating.

Idiots, screw-ups, homos.

Well be friends with anybody.

God.

However, we had no guys for our porno.

We were sex-deficient

and fresh out of ideas.

- Guys.

- Guys.

We know youre in a jam.

Ron and me, we want to help.

Yeah, Moe and me want to help.

Well do the scene for you.

Weve double-teamed lots of gals.

Double-teamed?

Moe-Ron, you double-team

lots of gals, do you?

Yeah. We like to all

the time, actually.

Yeah, well do the Aunt

V scene. No problem.

Would you boys like some pie?

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha! I love it, I love it!

Put them in place!

Oh!

Come back here.

I say Moe, you say Ron.

Moe! Ron!

- Moe!

- Ron!

- Moe!

- Ron!

Its a wrap!

We got it all. It was amazing.

Where did you get those weenies?

Our film has a great lesbo scene.

We do not have a "white

girl with black guys" scene.

We gave up our "gal going

to town with toys" scene.

Uh, but, thanks to good old Moe-Ron,

we got our gal

piccolo-playing two guys,

and we got our, uh, anal.

That's what Aunt V calls it. Nice lady.

So what have we got? We got a porno.

We were out of money.

If we needed more, we

weren't going to get it,

so we began editing.

There you go.

We even had the premiere planned.

Yeah.

Hi, Andy.

Oh, hey, Hel.

Emmett, Some Idiot.

Some's asleep.

Oh. Well, what do I know?

I'm just a porn actress.

Um, I saw the light on.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Uh, I got the, uh...

invitation to the, uh, premiere.

Thanks.

But, uh, look, I hope you get

from this thing what you want,

and for everybody,

but I, uh, I...

Youre not in the film.

You know, me and Emmett and Some did...

Yeah, I know, and Barney,

he came and got it...

you know, the footage.

What do you mean?

Well, Barney, uh...

he wouldnt let you

be in the porno, Hel.

You know, we gave him the,

uh, the print. All of it.

There are no other copies,

and, yeah, Some and Emmett were there,

but otherwise no ones seen it.

Oh. Right. Right.

Youre telling me Barneys

not having a look at it?

He burned it.

As soon as we gave it to him,

he... he put it in the fireplace.

Hel, I know Barney aint no poet,

but... you cant possibly not know.

I mean, uh, you know,

if the guy drank poison,

it couldnt be more obvious.

He's in love with you.

Come on, He's sick in love with you,

from the first day he

saw you right up to now.

Oh! Aunt V, look at you!

We had a really good turnout.

Uh, Barney had to miss the premiere.

I'll tell you why later...

or show you.

The stars. So, look at you girls.

Lovely. Hope you enjoy your scene.

- Hey.

- Ah.

Thanks, Andy. Thanks.

Oh, my pleasure. I didnt

know if you wanted to come.

I was going to, uh, call you...

No, no, no. I dont

mean for the invitation.

I mean, um, that day...

the day that you came to the

ball field for your aspirin,

you were going to ask me to

be in your film, werent you?

Yeah, I think I was. Yeah.

Well, youre a nice man, Andy.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very, very much for coming.

Uh, I dont know what to say. Uh...

Well, we really couldnt

have done it without you.

We couldnt have done it without you!

Thats right, Andy!

Uh, I'm a man of few words,

and its not me youre

here to see a lot of,

so roll "em!

Remember Ernest G. Pike,

Charlene's brother?

As promised.

The film came out okay.

These are friends, but everybody,

you know, seemed to enjoy it.

What's Ern's first stop?

Floyd's, which is reasonable.

It's the closest bar. It's

where he'd find people he knew.

Even his sister might be found here.

Speaking of Ern's sister,

it turns out we were able to

use some of Charlene's stuff

as sort of the tease

Hey, the hat was my idea!

We used her getting

the guys all interested.

You know, they're, uh,

just about to have sex,

and then we cut away, you know,

don't give you the sex,

drive you a little crazy, you see,

and then, uh, and then in other scenes,

you get it all, uh, you know,

but you're never sure

you're going to get it, see?

Uh, tension, you know,

worked pretty good.

As you see, peering plays a

very big role in all my films.

Sh*t!

I can't remember if Ernest has

always had impeccable timing.

Where the hell...

He did indeed find his sister here.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Ernest! Ern, its me... Moose.

Ern! Wait, dont take it out on me!

Listen, Ern... Uhh!

Stop!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Aah!

The police came and apprehended Ernest.

We had shot our porno on

reversal stock, no negative,

so there was only one

copy... you know, print.

It was destroyed, every frame.

Some Idiot lost his arm.

Some, Some, Some, Some, Some,

You are some idiot, Some Idiot.

I'm so sorry, Some.

Nobody was supposed to get hurt.

Your arm.

Your arm.

I wanted you to get

something, not lose anything.

Its...

I'm sorry.

Andy, its okay.

How are you feeling, huh?

It was fun.

Thanks for letting me

be the writer/director.

Nobody else would have.

You did a really good job.

I did, right?

You were great. Youre

a writer/director now.

First class, huh?

And you cant become a

first class writer/director

without a little sacrifice.

Hey, its not the one, uh, that you...

No. I still got that one.

- Well, thank God. Whew.

- Oh, yeah.

Okay, then.

Once I took a road trip.

Uh, my destination was Vermont.

Well, I ended up in Florida...

a couple of wrong or right turns,

depending how you look at it.

Whoa. Whoa.

Here's where you get.

You failed enough. Time not to fail.

I'm talking about

something so much more

than determination or

positive thinking here.

Failure really just won't do,

so you see to it that you don't.

It's possible, swear,

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