The Major and the Minor Page #4

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What kind?

Well, how about,

"Met your daughter on train

and looked out for her last night."

- Stop.

- Stop.

"As we cannot proceed

on account of high water,

"am taking her home with me."

- Stop!

- Stop.

"Don't worry. Signed, Kirby." Will that fix it?

That'll certainly fix Mother.

Major Kirby, a fine major,

acting like a travelling salesman

coming back from a convention

of drunken drummers!

I understood he went to Washington

to get into more active service.

More active indeed.

I trust Major Kirby will resign

without protest.

Resign? Do you think

I'll permit him the honour of resigning?

I intend to see that he's kicked out,

with my own foot.

Oh, I don't want an open scandal, Father.

Surely, that must be avoided.

- We must think of the Wallace Institute.

- Did he?

A man in his position

whose first duty was to set an example

of discipline and decency?

To 300 young people.

May I? The first batch of wedding invitations.

The top five I think should go airmail

to Major Kirby's relatives in Oregon.

Put them there, Bertha, and get out.

I'm so sorry.

"Colonel Oliver Slater Hill

requests the honour of your presence

"at the marriage of his daughter, Pamela."

You don't have to aim point blank

at my heart, Father. Not point blank!

Good morning, gentlemen.

Pamela, my dear.

Well, how very convenient

to find you all together.

How goes the autopsy?

Major Kirby,

you'll go immediately to your quarters

and wait there

until you receive my summons.

Shall I take the woman in question

along with me?

Father!

You brought her here?

Why, yes, I want you all to meet her.

You'll be as crazy about her as I am.

He's drunk, Father. He must be.

Major Kirby,

how long have you known this woman?

Oh, I met her last night.

She got into my compartment,

and I succumbed to her charms.

Major Kirby.

- Pamela, leave this room!

- I will not!

Captain Durand, I want a record of this.

His sanity will have to be investigated.

And now if you can brace yourselves

to meet this woman of Babylon, I'll...

I forbid you, Kirby! I forbid you!

Come in, Su-Su.

Oh, there are lots of people. Uncle Phillip!

No, don't be afraid, child. It's quite all right.

They're very nice people.

Members of the faculty.

Except, of course, for the lady,

who is Miss Pamela Hill.

This is Su-Su Applegate, who is 12.

What a happy solution!

You know, you're to blame for this,

Pamela Hill.

Faulty reconnaissance work!

That's what it was, faulty reconnaissance!

Oh, Phillip, you adorable man!

- How utterly beguiling.

- Miss Hill is my fiance.

Do you know what that word means?

Will one of you gentleman

with less chalky deposit

retrieve those invitations for their wedding?

Can I go home now, Uncle Phillip?

Home? All alone?

All the way to lowa and with the railroads

underwater and that stomach of yours?

- I should say not.

- But it'll be all right now.

I'm telegraphing your mother.

We've got to make some arrangement.

Please don't keep telegraphing my mother.

And did you say the child

was going to lowa?

- Yes.

- Listen, I've got to get home.

I'm way behind in my homework, and...

My teeth!

The dentist has got to put the braces back.

I never saw straighter teeth.

Well, they won't be if I let them go.

Will you let me make a suggestion?

I'm going to Des Moines on Sunday

to open a memorial chapel.

- And you'll take Su-Su with you?

- Why, of course.

But that'll be too long!

You see, my piano teacher...

I'm just beginning my three-finger exercises.

You're going to stay at our house, lambkin.

I've got a little sister just your age.

But Sunday is three days!

It'll be three days

you'll remember all your life.

I owe you something nice.

Oh, you don't owe me anything,

Uncle Phillip.

Su-Su, this is a treat

that doesn't come to one girl in a million.

Does it have to come to me?

Listen, Su-Su, you like boys, don't you?

- What boys?

- Nice boys.

- Can you dance?

- A little.

Come here. Come on.

Just step out here.

Column left, march!

To rear, march!

Sergeant Hatch!

- Line them up below, will you?

- Yes, sir.

Column right, march!

- Company!

- Platoon!

Halt!

There you are, Su-Su. How's that?

Three hundred of them,

and all of them yours.

Mine?

- Company!

- Platoon!

Halt!

- Company!

- Platoon!

Halt!

Halt!

Gentlemen, I want you to meet

Miss Su-Su Applegate,

who's going to be your guest for a few days.

Present arms.

This is General Wallace, Su-Su,

after whom the institute was named.

The boys throw pennies into his hat

for good luck before examinations.

You know, Annapolis stuff.

I see, Uncle Phillip.

This "Uncle Phillip",

makes you sound as though you wore

a gold watch chain across a large stomach.

That's Company C barracks over there.

I'm dying to hear what happened

in Washington.

Do you mind, Su-Su?

Oh, I made a pest of myself

running back and forth and back again

from one department to another.

They just couldn't see it my way.

Well, you're awfully useful here, darling.

Oh, a man of 80 could fill my job.

Why don't they send me to Trinidad

or the Canal Zone or Iceland, anywhere?

Well, why not worry about that

when and if there is a war?

- Where did you say I'm going to stay?

- At our house.

Now, Phillip, why don't you put

the whole thing out of your mind?

- You've done your utmost.

- Not yet, I haven't.

The day I left Washington,

I ran into Lieutenant Colonel McWerther.

- Cornelia McWerther's husband?

- Yes.

Only he's on the general staff now,

but he used to teach at Culver.

He knows what it feels like

to sit teaching military ABC's

to a bunch of kids in a town like this.

- He can be of great help.

- Can he?

I knew Cornelia quite well.

I might drop her a line.

Swell.

And if you get this transfer,

I go with you wherever you go.

- Iceland, Trinidad...

- Regulations permitting, darling.

Oh, my suitcase!

What happened to my suitcase?

- Oh, I had it sent over, Su-Su.

- It's in your room by now.

I mean, the room you're sharing

with my sister. Come on.

Lucy!

Lucy!

- Lucy!

- Yes, Pam.

Oh, Lucy, this is Su-Su Applegate,

a friend of Phillip's. She's staying with you.

I know.

Run along, child.

Lucy will show you everything.

See you later, Su-Su.

The first wedding presents have arrived.

- We'll always have plenty of pickle forks.

- Oh, good.

Hello, Lucy.

Hello, you.

I met Major Kirby on the train.

I was awfully sick.

I heard you the first time.

You did?

From the third shelf in the supply closet,

you can hear everything that happens

in the conference room and see most of it.

Oh, that's naughty.

In there.

Oh, what a lovely room!

Goldfishes!

Look at the ones with the flopsy-wopsy tails.

And the one sticking his nose up,

he wants his din-din.

Oh, get up and stop that baby talk, will you?

You're not twelve

just because you're acting like six.

How old are you anyway?

Twenty or 25 or what?

Why, Lucy, that's a funny thing to say.

Is it?

Maybe you can bluff the grown-ups.

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