The Major and the Minor Page #5

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You can't bluff me.

Bluff? What do you mean, bluff?

That is what I mean.

Oh, the suitcase.

Well, that belongs to my aunt.

- You see, I was taking it...

- Save your breath.

See all those books? Biology. All biology.

I'm a scientist.

I'm going to be somebody

like Madame Curie.

Labial folds are too deep.

Gastrocnemius is too well developed.

Adolescent adiposity, or baby fat,

has disappeared.

Look at mine.

Okay, Madame Curie.

But since you're so smart,

why'd you have to pry open my suitcase?

Hypotheses have to be checked

and double-checked.

Well, at least,

I don't have to play Baby Snooks anymore.

Not with me, you don't.

Lucy! Lucy!

Will you keep your mouth shut for a dollar?

Listen, I had to get home,

and all I could manage was half-fare.

- Two dollars?

- I don't want your money.

Lucy!

In here, Pam.

Among the wedding presents

was a crystal bowl from old Mrs Collins.

It's on my table.

Oh, Lucy, what in heaven's name...

I isolated a tadpole

for observation purposes.

It's not losing its tail properly.

I want that bowl downstairs in five minutes,

clean and shining.

Well, how are you children

getting on together?

Fine.

You're lunching at the officers' mess, Su-Su.

You'll find it too beguiling.

Is there anything you want pressed?

She's going to wear some of my clothes.

Why?

Well, she had a fountain pen in her suitcase,

and there's ink all over everything.

Oh, glory.

Well, I'm glad you two

are getting on so nicely.

Does this room always have to smell

of sulphuric acid?

I'll get you a blue-and-white number.

It looks awful on me,

but I guess it'll do for lunch.

Why didn't you tell your sister?

Because she's a stinker.

Lock that door.

Smoke?

Thanks.

If you'll excuse me, I won't join you.

I find adolescence

makes you nervous enough.

Say, is there a back gate to this school

or a service entrance or something?

What for?

I'm getting out of here as fast as I can.

Oh, no, you're not.

I'm not? What is this, a house of detention?

You're going to help me prevent a crime.

A what?

The systematic destruction

of a human being.

What are you talking about?

Phillip Kirby.

He hates his job here. He's dying

to get transferred to active service,

but Pamela is seeing to it

that he'll never get it. Never.

Now, now.

I heard her say she was willing

to follow him to Iceland, Trinidad

or any place he happened to be stationed.

Bah!

I suppose that's why she moved

heaven and earth in Washington

to see he didn't get transferred,

writing to people behind his back

to say he's indispensable here.

Pamela's picked out the husband she wants,

and she wants him right here

at Wallace Military.

Nice, cosy and beguiling.

Phillip Kirby may have a bum eye,

but he's not stone blind.

My dear child,

love is a very astigmatic condition.

What do you expect me to do?

Help.

Well, I haven't any pull

in the war department.

I knew a Washington senator once

that played third base.

Listen, now that there's the two of us,

it's going to be a lot easier.

No, sirree.

I got him into trouble, I got him out

of trouble, and now I'm beating it.

Well, you and I could work

kind of a pincer movement.

Forget it. Things are too involved for me.

I'm taking the back gate.

- Yes?

I'm reporting to Miss Applegate.

Just a minute.

What do I do with this?

Yes?

Miss Applegate?

Yes?

The Cadet Adjutant regrets that he cannot

have luncheon with Miss Applegate.

- The who?

- The Cadet Adjutant.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

There was some discussion

about which cadet officer has precedence.

It was finally decided by drawing lots.

Oh, well, you didn't have to go

to all that trouble.

You see, I have other plans.

The winner was Cadet Lieutenant

Anthony Wigton Jr of Company D.

Well, you can just explain

to the Cadet Lieutenant...

May I assure Miss Applegate that she will

find Cadet Lieutenant Anthony Wigton Jr

a very amusing escort

and plenty good-looking, too.

Do I have to?

All right, when will he be here?

I am Cadet Lieutenant Anthony Wigton Jr.

"At 7:
00 this Saturday, the quarterly dance

will be held in the mess hall.

"Attention, corps of cadets.

New schedule of laundry formations.

"A Company, 7:
30 a.m.

"B Company, 7:
40 a.m.

"C Company, 7:
50 a.m.

"D Company,

immediately following a.m. Drill recall.

"All members of the glee club take notice.

"Practice periods,

Thursday, Friday and Saturday

"between 1:
00 and 2:00 p.m.

"The finals in company drill competition

will be held Friday during p.m. Drill period.

"The lightweight baseball team

"is scheduled to play

the High Creek Parochial School

"on Kimball Field this Saturday at 2:15."

Battalion, take seats!

At ease.

Is this to work up an appetite or something?

Discipline.

Miss Applegate,

- may I introduce Cadet Adjutant Babcock?

- How do you do?

- Cadet Captain Osborne.

- How do you do?

- Cadet Captain Shumaker.

- How do you do?

- Cadet Lieutenant Miller.

- How do you do?

Now, as I was saying...

I told her we were all washed up.

She sent me three or four letters,

but I didn't answer them.

That was kind of heartless, wasn't it?

Heck! She kept spelling "adore" with two d's.

Well, maybe you should have sent her

a dictionary.

Miss Applegate, you have no idea

how forward women get with a man

once he's wearing a uniform.

- Is this your glass or mine?

- Yours.

- You mad at me or something?

- Nope.

- What's the matter with him?

- Ethics. This is my time.

He gets you at 2:00. Shumaker, 3:00 to 4:00,

Cadet Adjutant Babcock, 4:00 to 5:00,

Cadet Lieutenant Miller, 5:00 to 6:00.

Good glory, booked solid.

To tell you the truth, Miss Applegate,

I always felt

that the Maginot Line was all wet.

Well, kind of damp, anyway.

The first lesson to be derived

from this present war is the futility...

Is this something of General Wallace's?

- Appomattox, 1865.

- Oh.

Shall we sit?

As I was saying,

the first lesson to be derived

from this present war

is the futility of a stationary defence.

You're not just mulling over

yesterday's lessons,

are you, Lieutenant Wigton?

Please!

You want to know how Sedan was taken?

How?

This is Sedan,

the weak point between the big Maginot Line

and the little Maginot Line.

Now, a flank of the German army

swung around

through the Netherlands and Belgium.

Then a panzer division

smacked right through here.

Why, you little devil!

Hot stuff, huh?

Then, of course, they took Paris.

I've got about two more minutes.

You want to see how they took Paris?

- Oh, no!

- Come on. That was only kindergarten.

Paris is a real kiss.

And I've still got a minute!

- Let go of me! Let go of me!

- Oh, Su-Su.

Ouch!

Oh, don't be such a droop!

If you start moving that German army again,

I'll yell, Lieutenant. I'll yell!

Oh!

- Oh, hello, Uncle Phillip.

- You playing games?

Oh, we were just down by the cannon.

It's a wonderful cannon. Appomattox.

- Where's your escort?

- Oh, yes, where is he?

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