The Major and the Minor Page #6

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Well, maybe he tripped

on his shoestring, maybe.

Oh, youth, youth.

As someone with a beard once said,

"Youth is such a wonderful thing

"it's too bad

it has to be wasted on the young."

Major Kirby.

Miss Applegate, I was looking for you.

Oh, he's from 2:
00 to 3:00.

And where are you taking her?

- I had a little canoeing in mind, sir.

- Oh, sounds like fun.

You wouldn't care to come along with us?

Oh, you don't have to be polite

to an elderly relative. Run along.

Well, little lady,

where have you been all my life?

- Huh?

- Miss Applegate, let me look in your eyes.

- You know what I see?

- What?

Stardust.

- Lieutenant, you dazzle me.

- Captain.

You know, I ought to be boning up

on my mathematics right now.

Bring me luck, General.

I got a test tomorrow.

Maybe we better forget about the canoe

and run through the multiplication tables.

No! You know, you and I

could make beautiful music together, we two.

Do you make these things up

out of your own head?

- Sure do. You see, I'm from New York.

- Oh.

Yeah, I've been kicked out

of all the best schools in the East

and one in Arizona.

Say, you're murder.

Well, let's not talk about me.

Let's talk about something else.

- Oh, strategy, for instance.

- Fine.

You know, I've got my own theory

about the fall of France.

The first lesson to be derived

from this present war

is the futility of stationary defence.

Now, there was the big Maginot Line

and the little Maginot Line,

and right in between was Sedan.

All I know is the canoe started to wobble.

You know how it is

if two people try to sit in one seat.

I don't think that's very funny.

Well... Well, the minute... Well...

Well, the minute the canoe

started to turn over, I jumped into the water.

Four of us did.

- She could swim fine.

- You wanted me, Phillip? Oh.

Yes, it's about Su-Su Applegate.

Thank you very much, Sommerville.

Oh, Phillip, you're too beguiling.

She's perfectly all right.

Lucy dried her off, and she was all dressed

and ready for the 4:00 shift.

Yes, well, during the first shift,

I happened to see her and one of the boys

at the cannon, and frankly, I was worried.

- For whom? The boy?

- No, for her, of course.

You can't suddenly throw a young girl

among 300 cadets...

In the merry month of May?

Well, I hate to say it,

but who threw her there?

Pamela, I think you ought to talk to her.

- You know...

- Facts of life?

- Yes.

- No, thank you, darling.

It's not fair to the kid.

Well, I dare say both Miss Su-Su

and the school will survive until Sunday.

Well, somebody ought to talk to her.

Really, I'd feel a lot more comfortable.

Well, in that case, when you felt the urge

to become an uncle,

you should have found

a less inflammatory niece.

I wrote that letter to Cornelia, by the way.

- Good-bye.

- Good-bye.

- Su-Su.

- Yes, Lieutenant Miller?

You know, you're very cruel.

You mean because I'm not interested

in the fall of Paris?

It's so unfair. Wigton at least got to Sedan.

Oh, Su-Su!

Su-Su, I'd like to have a few words with you.

Why don't you come up for a moment?

Why, I'd love to.

Good-bye, Lieutenant Miller,

and I do love the way

you can wiggle your ears.

Come in.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Well, Su-Su, how do you like it here?

I like it fine.

- Did you have a nice time this afternoon?

- Awfully nice.

Yes, well, that's what I wanted

to talk to you about. Sit down, Su-Su.

Well, I suppose I should've spoken

about all this before,

but kids nowadays know so much, you know,

Quiz Kids and all that sort of thing.

They know more than I do.

They know about plant life

and the laws of nature.

I naturally took your knowledge

of such things for granted, you see.

What things, Uncle Phillip?

Well...

Vaguely, boys. Boys and giris.

Does your collar hurt you, Uncle Phillip?

No, no, it's just a little tight, that's all. I...

Where was I?

- Boys and giris.

- Oh, yes, yes. Well, not exactly.

You see, what I mean is...

Have you ever watched moths?

- Moths? Like butterflies?

- Yes.

- Not lately, I haven't.

- Yes, well, you know,

when you turn on a light on a porch,

and they come at you from all sides,

a lot of them,

and they bang their heads against it

and bump their wings.

We have screens on our porch.

Yes, well, you see, that's what I'm driving at.

Su-Su, a light

does attract moths mysteriously.

Nobody know why it does.

It just does, you see,

and all we can do is put up screens

or dim the light.

Well, you can always go inside.

Yes, you can always go...

Please, Su-Su, don't throw me off. I... I...

What I'm trying to say is...

You don't want to be a light bulb, do you?

And have moths all flapping at you

and breaking their necks pestering you,

do you?

- It's never been a particular ambition of mine.

- No.

And so, you su, See-See...

I mean, you see, Su-Su,

a girl is like a light bulb

as far as boys are concerned.

That is, if she's pretty.

And with 300 moths in this school,

well, they're all just attracted.

And that's why we say

a girl like you is attractive.

- Am I?

- Oh, yes, yes.

Very nice eyes and good, straight legs,

and there's a sort of glow to your hair.

I was watching you in the mess hall

this afternoon.

Were you?

Yes, that little red head of yours is like

a dandelion in a big meadow of uniforms.

And, well, frankly, I felt like cutting classes

and taking the afternoon off

and showing you around myself.

- Honest?

- Mmm-hmm.

I'll tell you something else, too.

One day, you're going to be

a very charming young lady.

- When?

- Six or seven years.

Then you'll be a general

and come to my graduation?

Mmm-hmm.

You know, Su-Su,

when I look at you with just my bum eye,

you look almost grown up.

Like something in the Sunday supplement

with the colours all run together.

Kind of blurry. Not a child anymore.

Oh, it's lovely. It's like a reflection

in the water with the wind blowing.

Su-Su, you're a knockout!

Yes, well, about those moths,

I don't want all the boys in this school

to lose their fool heads.

So if you had a little more reserve,

maybe even if they try to hold your hand

or to kiss you, you...

You wouldn't like that, would you, Su-Su?

- No, Uncle Phillip.

- No.

Maybe if you made yourself

a little less attractive

or bit them or something. No.

No, don't bite them.

Perhaps... Perhaps if you took Lucy along.

- Of course, Uncle Phillip.

- Yes.

Well, I think we've about covered everything,

so why don't you run along

and have a good time, hmm?

Only not too good.

I'll try and be a well-behaved light bulb.

- Hello, Luce.

- Hello.

That's the doggonedest uncle I ever saw.

- What'd you say?

- Nothing.

Except now I know what you mean when

you say adolescence makes you nervous.

Did they give you that Maginot Line?

- Huh?

- The cadets.

Those innocent little panzer divisions

in sheep's clothing.

The third one had some imagination, though.

He made it Benghazi.

What are you doing?

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