The Man Who Knew Too Little Page #5

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...some sort of right-wing extremist

what-have-you.

Did you trace that call?

- I'm an actor.

- Right.

- Did you trace that call?

- Yes, sir.

40 Overbridge Square.

Right. Charlie.

Call out the Armed Response Unit.

I want this thing crushed, right now.

Thanks. These actors don't know

when to stop.

No, Mr. Ritchie.

The theater community

at large are asking:

What went wrong with

the Theater of Life tonight?

The police are anxious to interview

a Mr. Wallace Ritchie...

...an American, dark, about six foot...

...and believed to be armed

and extremely dangerous.

- There you are, James.

- There you are, finally.

Yes, indeed.

Before we continue, I'm going to...

...pop down to the cellar.

There's a nice bottle of port...

We've already got one.

True. But it's very dark there

and it might take me a few minutes.

I'll be back with the port.

And the car keys.

Oh, dear.

Who's wearing Old Spice?

- Shut up.

- I found letters.

But no identification.

Of course not, idiot. He's a professional.

Everybody wants to check minibar.

Go away!

It's the plumbers!

Those sons of b*tches

blew up my Nikita in '79.

Nikita was vicious...

Forget about your dog. Open the door.

Easy for you to say.

He's my dog, not your dog.

Come on.

Let go of me.

Get off me!

I thought you were staying in the car.

This is busier than my butcher shop!

Go away!

Sergei Nikolivich. Open up.

Don't shoot.

Good to see you.

Here we have our man, in the flesh.

How am I supposed to do my work?

Stop complaining. Give me the letters.

Quick.

So, this is him, in the flesh.

Where are the letters?

Spenser, do something.

Those are my letters. Bastards!

Come, Sir Roger. We are overdue

for banqueting room.

Splendid.

I think...

...we begin with soft tissue.

Mr. Prime Minister...

...Mr. President...

...distinguished guests...

...my lords, ladies and gentlemen...

...it's my duty and privilege

to welcome you this evening.

Before that historic moment at midnight...

...when the peace accord is signed

between our two countries...

...we shall be treated to...

...music and dance that seek

to embody the souls...

...of these two great nations.

- Before torture, we try truth serum?

- Please.

Are you a member

of our Frequent Renters' Club?

We would like to be.

We have a two-night rental policy.

If the tape stays out longer than that,

you're not charged the extra $1.50.

What is your real name?

Wallace Ritchie.

Who is paying for all this?

My brother Jimmy. He's...

...trying to impress the Germans

so he gave me this for my birthday.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Who you are working for?

Blockbuster Video, Des Moines, lowa.

Who you are working for?

Blockbuster Video, Des Moines, lowa.

Damn.

They trained him so well.

Give him the antidote. I do it

old-fashioned-way. I beat it out of him.

This real pen.

Idiot.

I have antidote here.

That is so refreshing.

May I have one of those

when we're all finished, please.

Who else knows

about these letters, Mr. Ritchie?

Please don't call me by my real name.

It destroys the reality I'm creating.

Who are the goddamn Germans?

Time out.

I hate to break out of character, but...

...you cannot shout into a person's ear.

It does damage.

You know, the spitting I don't mind.

Boris, it's so big.

Boris. Please.

Please. Not like Ponsonby in Helsinki.

Is fun for you, but we have

to clean up after. Please.

We do have to do cleanup after?

Always. You're right.

Sometimes it's foolish to be so brave.

You leave us no alternative.

I will call Dr. Ludmilla Kropotkin.

- She will take care of you.

- The evil lady torturer?

Bring her in here!

Even perhaps you are not brave enough

for taste of her medicine.

I'm not ticklish.

Get the rubber sheets.

And watch that man.

Yes, boss.

How come you not sniff on his turn?

Boris' Old Spice is lingering.

Do you think we could open up

the window a little bit?

Hey, vodka...

...be a guy.

See that nasal spray?

Could you pass me over

a couple of snoots worth, please?

Is poison maybe.

Good. Give him.

Maybe we'll finish game.

I'm going to need one on each side.

Tilt. Little tilt.

Deeper.

Oh, yeah, stop. Stop.

Stop. Can you back it out a little?

- No, don't do that. Stop.

- It's stuck.

Don't push it in. Stop it.

Don't push it in. Wait.

Now it's too far in.

You squeeze it.

Wait, wait.

Squeeze it.

That's much better.

Fabulous. Fabulous.

You're clumsy.

What're you doing? Don't joke.

Great, great spill.

I still need my stuff though.

You stay, I'll get it.

Come on.

Now really.

I know you do this every night and it can

get boring, but you gotta give 100 percent.

Now I've got to figure out how to escape.

I'm going to show you

what 100 percent looks like.

I'm right there.

Where's that big paw?

Lori, am I good, or am I good?

He's done it again.

My God, you're good.

Thank you.

Gonna untie me?

Sorry.

Hurry, before they come back.

Dr. Ludmilla...

...we're ready for you now.

Why do you always go out the window?

It's more dramatic, I guess.

It's kind of a Starsky and Hutch thing,

isn't it?

Where's our special scarves?

Stop joking.

I risked my life. I waited for you.

I didn't have to.

Why did you tonight?

Don't make me say it now.

What about the money?

We can't just rewrite the whole script.

Can't we?

Is the money so important?

Without the money,

what the heck we got going on?

Less than I thought, obviously.

Bye.

Albert, if you don't say it,

it won't work. What are you?

I'm a very naughty boy.

Good.

What are you?

I'm a very naughty boy.

Don't mind me.

If you hold it a bit lower down,

you get more of a flick.

Thank you.

What are you?

A very naughty boy.

If Featherstone Finch...

...were to move 40 million

of Feathers' assets to...

...Tonga...

Get your hands up!

Get your hands behind your back!

Where's Mr. Ritchie?

Where's Mr. Ritchie?

Where's Mr. Ritchie?

- Mr. Ritchie, he go for port.

- Which port?

Shut up, you! Which port?

He go for port in his car.

Control.

Green 1. Suspect Ritchie heading

for unspecified port. Over.

Control to Special Branch.

I want an all-ports alert,

effective immediately. Close all ports.

Up high!

I'm the only one standing on a ledge!

Jimmy!

- Oh, my God.

- I'm stuck!

- Don't move!

- I won't! I can't!

I'm coming, Wally.

Come on, damn it. They're gone.

Here.

Come here.

Hold me. Okay?

We'll try from other side.

Stop!

- What happened?

- He went out the window.

You have beans!

He jumped us. He's not human.

Neither am I.

Get him!

A nasty, wicked boy.

Jimmy. Jimmy.

We get him from downstairs.

Wally.

Wally.

Jimmy.

Where are you?

I'm here on the ledge.

What's going on?

My leading lady came out on the ledge,

and I think I broke her heart.

And...

So I followed her.

She came out here

and she went down to this next room.

There's a hallway. We can walk.

Not very theatrical, though.

I'm so sorry. This isn't theater.

You don't get it. It's experimental.

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