The Mindy Project Page #5

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Mira’s mouth drops open. *

MIRA *

You want to get smacked, son? *

A few patients look up, concerned. *

BROOKS *

(loudly) *

No, Dr. Kaviraya, I don’t want to *

get smacked in my place of work. I *

want to peacefully go about my day. *

The patients shoot Mira dirty looks. *

BROOKS (CONT’D) *

(whispering) *

And maybe invest in a padded bra. *

Brooks walks away, triumphant. Mira is speechless. We hear a *

beep. It’s her phone. *

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It says:
“I think you look hot.” She looks up. Jeremy is in *

his doorway, smiling at her. She smiles back. *

INT. JEREMY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Mira and Jeremy make out on the floor of his exam room. *

MIRA:

You smell like peaches.

JEREMY:

You smell like chlorine and vomit.

MIRA:

I’m so sorry.

JEREMY:

No, it makes it more wrong. I love

it.

Mira runs her fingers through Jeremy’s hair.

MIRA:

God, your hair is so thick. It’s

like a tar pit. *

Jeremy starts to push up her skirt.

MIRA (CONT’D)

No wait. Stop. We can’t. I told *

myself I wouldn’t. *

JEREMY *

Let’s just worry about that later. *

MIRA:

We wouldn’t worry about it. Only I

would. *

Mira dis-entangles herself. *

MIRA (CONT’D)

I should be using my thirties to

try to find a real boyfriend.

Because someday I’d like to have a

real husband. And some actual kids.

My friends all got married in their

20s when I was becoming a doctor.

So I can’t spend the next ten years

fooling around with colleagues even *

if they look like a mannequin that *

came to life. *

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JEREMY *

That would make a great blog entry. *

I kind of just want to get naked *

right now. *

MIRA *

Look, I can still be your hook-up

buddy in my forties, fifties, and

sixties.

JEREMY:

I won’t want to have sex with you

in your forties, fifties, and

sixties.

MIRA:

Sorry. I want to, but I can’t. *

Mira turns to leave. She then impulsively kisses him. *

MIRA (CONT’D) *

I think that’s a good compromise. *

Addicts can’t go cold turkey. It *

doesn’t work. *

She kisses him again. *

MIRA (CONT’D) *

Okay, that was too much. *

Mira leaves. Jeremy is a little impressed at her restraint. *

INT. HALLWAY - LATER *

Mira walks, now on the phone. She’s in tight dress and high *

heels and her coat, on her way out. *

GWEN (O.C.)

You’re lying. *

MIRA:

I didn’t! Mostly because I’m *

wearing Spanx. But no, I didn’t. *

GWEN (O.C.)

That’s my girl. He’s ridiculous *

looking, though. I don’t think I *

would’ve been able to stop.

(to someone off-camera)

Sophie don’t use that kid’s

inhaler. You don’t have asthma. *

(then, to Mira) *

You’re not wearing sequins, right? *

Sequins are for earnest sluts. *

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MIRA *

I disagree with that, but no, I’m *

not. *

(quietly) *

Tight dress, high heels. *

GWEN *

That’s perfect, Mir! *

Mira hits the elevator button.

MIRA:

I think it’s lateral, but whatever. *

I’m so excited to meet Dennis. Eric *

printed out a picture of him from *

Facebook. It’s super tiny because *

all Eric’s friends are gay tweakers *

and have no degrees of friends *

close to him. But he looks good. *

Mira squints at a print out of a tiny pixillated picture. *

MIRA (CONT’D) *

I think I love Dennis. Is that

possible?

GWEN:

No. That’s weird. You have not met

or spoken to him.

MIRA:

It seriously feels like love

though.

GWEN (O.C.)

Mira, I didn’t want to tell you

this to freak you out, but Dennis

is an analyst... for Beyonce

Knowles.

The elevator opens.

MIRA:

You think you have to use her last

name?! Oh. My. God.

(to the people in the

elevator)

Go. Go! I’m obviously not getting

on.

END OF ACT TWO:

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ACT THREE:

EXT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT TIME

Mira sits inside the backseat of a running cab. She is *

praying aloud. *

MIRA *

Dear Lord, please let this date be *

good. May he have the wealth of

Mayor Bloomberg. The personality of *

Jon Stewart. The face of Michael *

Fassbender. *

(beat, sure, why not?) *

The penis of Michael Fassbender.

The cab driver clicks the meter back on, impatiently. *

MIRA (CONT’D) *

I’m going, I’m going. *

INT. RESTAURANT - A LITTLE LATER

Mira enters the restaurant, tentatively. She approaches a

hostess.

MIRA:

Hi. I’m here to meet a man I’ve

never met before on a blind date.

He’s in finance, so I’m assuming

he’s in a suit. Probably a fancy

one. He’s Caucasian.

HOSTESS:

(annoyed)

Does this Caucasian man have a

first or last name?

MIRA:

Oh! Yes. Dennis.

The hostess gestures to a HANDSOME GUY IN A CORNER BOOTH.

MIRA (CONT’D)

(psyched, to herself)

Whoa. Dennis. Way to look. *

INT. RESTAURANT - SOON AFTER

Mira sits with Dennis at a table.

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MIRA:

Hi. I’m Mira. Sorry I’m late. Just

came from a delivery. Threw this on

and raced over.

DENNIS:

You look very pretty for having *

raced over.

MIRA:

That is so sweet. But yeah, like I

said, I’m so not prepared in any *

way for this date. Or is it even a

date? I don’t care - I just like to

meet interesting people.

DENNIS *

It’s a date. *

Mira opens the menu, happily. *

MIRA:

What should I get? I’m basically a

vegetarian. I eat chicken and fish

and hamburgers. Never steak.

INT. RESTAURANT - A LITTLE LATER

MIRA:

Wall Street, huh? So you guys must

have access to a lot of drugs. That

must be cool.

Dennis laughs.

DENNIS:

I don’t have access to drugs,

actually. Do you?

MIRA:

No, I hate drugs. I don’t even know

how to do them. I didn’t know pot

and marijuana were the same thing

until college.

We see Mira discreetly cross off “Drugs” with a golf pencil

on a small list that is sitting on her lap. Her beeper goes

off. She silences it.

MIRA (CONT’D)

Sorry about that.

(then)

(MORE)

Untitled Mindy Kaling Show Pilot 1/9/12 31.

MIRA (CONT’D)

But the stress of your job, finance *

is an emotional rollercoaster, I

bet. Good thing there’s so many

therapists in the city.

DENNIS:

I wouldn’t know. I go running when

I’m stressed.

Mira smiles, crosses off “Depression” on her list.

MIRA:

Me too. Well, slow jogging. And I

mean slow. Like elderly people have

passed me, before.

DENNIS:

That sounds really cute, actually. *

Dennis places his hand on Mira’s. *

DENNIS (CONT’D) *

Carl said you were kind of crazy *

and dramatic. But you’re not that *

way at all. *

Mira smiles. YES. YES. SEE? I CAN CHANGE! *

MIRA:

I hate drama. I’m like Mary J. *

Blige. *

Mira’s phone starts vibrating.

DENNIS:

Boy, you’re blowing up.

MIRA:

It’s stupid. I hate it.

Mira takes the battery out of her phone and drops it in her

water.

MIRA (CONT’D)

Battery destroyed. My calm, adult *

self is all yours. *

DENNIS:

I love it.

MIRA:

(then, glancing at card)

Say, what are your feelings

on...um...huh.

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