The Monster Squad Page #3

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Look at that big, scary monster!

Ooh!

Listen. You are not gonna sleep with your Mother and me tonight, so you can forget it.

And keep this up, and you're not gonna look at those monster magazines.

Understand?

(CLOSET DOOR OPENS) Uhh?

Okay. We're all here.

What's the deal?

Yeah. What the hell's Monster Squad?

It's us.

We're the Monster Squad.

Since when?

Since now!

What's a "squad"?

It's like Miami Vice, I think.

Look. I think there's monsters.

Like, real ones.

I heard my Dad talking on the telephone to a guy down at the police station.

There was a guy screaming he was a werewolf.

And they shot him. And the body disappeared from the coroner van.

And the coroner guy was dead.

So what? He got shot, and the werewolf took his body?

No, you pinhead! He was a werewolf! Maybe.

But if they shot him...

They must've been regular bullets, not silver ones.

Look, I know this will sound pretty stupid, but a Mummy disappeared from the museum tonight.

Mummy came in my house.

And, guys...

Dracula might be here, too.

Aw, man, Fat Kid farted!

Oh, God. Did not.

Can't you hold it? God!

God damn it, would you shut up?

Did you hear a word I said?

The guys are dead! Get a clue!

Something's out there, and it's killin' people!

And if it's monsters, nobody's gonna do a thing about it but us.

So, what do we do?

Think this book might be important.

Look. It's Van Helsing's diary.

Mom said they found it in an old house on Shadowbrook Road.

But I can't read it. It's all in German.

My sister takes German in high school.

Your sister doesn't speak German. All she does is hang around, and the guys touch her tits.

Your sister wouldn't happen to live next-door, would she?

So what?

That girl's your sister?

So, what do you say? Are we Monster Squad...

...or what?

Cool. All right.

(RUDY) How does that dog get up here, anyways?

(SOFT THUNDER)

(RATS SQUEAKING)

Old friend.

How do you like your new home?

Home.

(LOCK TURNS)

(SIGHS)

I must sleep soon, so listen very carefully.

Van Helsing's diary...

...is missing.

I want you to retrieve it for me.

You understand?

Yes...

Master.

Children... possess it.

I want you to find them and take the diary.

If they do not cooperate...

...you will kill them.

(FAT KID) Gentlemen, I'd just like to say three words Scary German Guy.

Who else are we gonna get to translate this thing?

Come on. Somebody go up and knock.

You knock. You're our leader.

(FAT KID) Firstly, he's scary, okay?

And "B," he's German.

Maybe he doesn't even speak English.

Okay, so what's German for...

"Please don't murder us"?

Bitte, moerden-zie uns nicht.

(HUMMING)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(FOOTSTEP)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Boys... time is almost up.

It's your last chance for pie.

(FAT KID) Thanks, Mister, uh, guy. Now, here we go.

I mean... No, thanks.

So? Ja?

Now, where were we?

Ah... Ja.

"The amulet itself is fairly small and carved with intricate symbols."

Oh.

Rather an odd-looking thing, don't you think?

Scary German Guy's bitchin'.

Sir, the thing I don't understand is the part about the equilibrium.

Well, according to this rather curious book you have brought me, "The forces of good and evil..."

Uh, that is a B-17, in case you are wondering.

It's rad!

"Good and evil

"are in constant flux, "back and forth.

"Only once, every hundred years, are these forces balanced."

And what about the amulet?

The amulet, so nearly as I can translate, is "concentrated good."

"It is a talisman which wards off evil and is..." how you say, uh...

"indestructible"?

That means it can't be destroyed.

Or, in any case, normally destroyed. However, and this part is underlined...

"Once every hundred years, "at the stoke of midnight, "the amulet becomes vulnerable, "and at that moment, it can be shattered."

And if it is?

Then the balance between good and evil will shift, and evil will rule.

However, our friend Mr. Van Helsing claims there is a way to stop the forces of darkness.

How?

"If one could gain possession of the amulet before those forces..."

"...then every hundred years,"

"at midnight,"

"there is another option."

"A ceremony which, when followed to the letter,"

"will open a hole"

"into Limbo itself"

"where dwell the damned."

"A vortex,"

"which like a great whirlwind,"

"can swallow the forces of evil forever."

Well... does it describe the procedure at all?

In detail.

This was the last entry.

On this date, he was to battle those forces himself.

Interesting.

It is tomorrow's date, one hundred years ago!

A hundred years ago?

Tomorrow night.

Thank you very much. Thanks.

Bye. Thank you very much for all your time.

Thank you. I expect you boys thought I was some kind of monster myself? Hmm?

A vampire, perhaps?

That's quite all right.

But I am not, you know.

If I were a vampire, then I wouldn't have a reflection.

Now, would I?

Man, you sure know a lot about monsters.

Now that you mention it...

I suppose I do.

(FAT KID) Guys, wait up!

Tomorrow night? What do we have to do again?

Blow a hole in Dumbo?

Limbo, stupid.

So, how do we know the amulet's there, anyway?

Because, you dweeb, Dracula's obviously here looking for it.

If we don't find it before he does, we're beast bait.

Okay, so, say we get the amulet.

Then what?

Wait till midnight... and?

We get a virgin.

A virgin? Yeah.

Okay, right. Then what?

Well, our virgin takes the amulet, reads the magic spell from the book, and, blamo, we blow a hole in Limbo.

That's so easy.

Oh, a cinch. Piece of cake. Yeah.

Rudy. Question.

Shoot.

Know any virgins?

(SEAN) Okay. Rudy, find some silver bullets.

And where the hell am I supposed to find silver bullets?

K-Mart? I don't know. Gimme a break.

Fat Kid, get a map. Find Shadowbrook Road.

What, do I look in the index for "big, scary mansion"?

Oh, you're a riot.

You guys!

How can we trust Scary German Guy?

Why would he lie about a thing like this?

Sean!

Phoebe, have a life. Okay?

You're being a spaz!

Ow! God!

You bit me, you brat!

I'm tellin' Mom on you!

Would ya look?

Huh?

It's okay, you guys!

He's friends with us.

Come on! Don't be chickenshit!

Come on. I want to show you my friends.

Sean, no.

Oh, go for it.

(FAT KID) Sean, are you crazy?

That's a walkin' dead guy.

(PATRICK) Sean, please don't die.

Are... are you dead?

D-Dead?

Does Mom know about him?

No. Only us.

Hey, guys, get over here! He's great!

Huh. Uhh!

Now can I be in the Monster Club?

I can't believe it.

Frankenstein's monster in our clubhouse.

(FAT KID) Let's ask him to leave, okay?

You're not still scared, are you?

Well, he is a little bit gross, Sean.

Scr...

Scra-aps.

I taught him to talk.

Bo-Gus.

Give me... a...break.

Huddle up, you guys.

Sean, we gotta get an adult.

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