The Movie Out Here Page #3

hmm.

That's Theo.

Mm-Hmm.

Serial killer Theo.

Nice.

He's not like that, man.

He's a good guy.

Yeah, I know there's a freezer

Full of asses and lips

downstairs, trust me.

He had a heart attack

on the toilet.

I was just scooching

underneath the door.

It's called

mouth-To-Mouth, man,

Not mouth to ass.

Come on.

Well, I'll be back in a sec.

Gotta pinch

a little brown aura?

Yeah.

I'm surprised you're

friends with that dude.

He is seriously...

what's the word

I'm looking for?

Oh, yeah, "f***ed up."

Just give him a chance.

Hey, he's your friend,

so he's my friend, okay?

But for real?

My man looks like

a hairy basketball with teeth.

You know maybe

this wasn't such a good idea.

I'm exhausted.

Hey, man, that's the problem

with you being engaged.

Your dick has no reason

to be in here.

You need to trick your dick

Into thinking

that you're not engaged.

Now, check out

that girl right there.

You go talk to that girl,

That will confuse your dick.

Sow the seeds of doubt

into your dick's mind.

Yeah, I'm going to

go to Theo's,

And I'm going to go to sleep.

What's your problem, man?

Have one drink.

You said one drink.

Let's go.

Okay, one drink,

That doesn't mean

I'm going to talk to her.

One drink, then you're

going to talk to her.

Ow!

You should watch

where you're going...

Oh, my god.

Danielle!

Yes!

It's been forever.

How are you?

Really good.

Really surprised

to see you here.

You look great.

You too.

You know, I don't know

how ugly you were before,

But god damn,

you banging now, girl.

You hot as sh*t!

Thank you, whoever you are.

This is a buddy of mine, Jason.

Hey, Jason.

Hey, Danielle!

Hey, Theo!

Hi. Hi. Hi.

You remember Adam?

Yeah, of course.

So, how long are you guys

in town for?

A weekend.

I'm here on business.

What about you?

You still live here?

Yeah.

Well, I left for a few years

To go to university.

Thank you, Theo.

But turns out my degree

Helped me get a job

And landed me

right back here in fernie, so...

very cool.

Oh, great.

What?

I'm sure you remember Mick

From high school.

Oh, unfortunately, I do.

Well, well, well,

If it isn't tweedle dee,

tweedle dum,

And tweedle...

black guy I don't know.

What are you in town for,

turd-Eating contest?

Yeah, you know what?

I'm very concerned about

the town you come from.

I'm 'a leave you

And Freddie mercury's

love child

To deal with it.

Have fun, excuse me.

Hey, Danielle.

We should bang sometime.

I'll put the "yell!"

Into "Danielle."

And I'll put my vagina

in your dick.

Sorry to hear

About your waxing sh*t-Opolis.

If you need work,

Daddy has some asbestos

he needs removed

From his factory loft project.

No? No takers?

Well, f*** you very much then.

Not you, Danielle.

If you know what I mean, huh?

Feed you some oats.

Why don't you

Turn around immediately,

Walk out that door

Before I kick your nuts

Up into that sh*t-Tub

you call a brain.

And take your creepy

Quasimodo with you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I'll suck your dick off.

What?

Wow.

Yeah, that happens

every Friday.

- Really?

- Mm-Hmm.

Can you believe

he still lives here?

Hey, everybody,

This is Connie,

Sylvia, and carol.

Yeah, I've managed

to talk myself

Into their little book club.

We talking about Moby dick

tonight, ain't we, girls?

Theo, can we get some drinks

for the ladies?

- Right.

- Thanks, brother.

I'm starting to like

your little backward-Assed town.

We're going to go back

to Cynthia's place

And discuss how my protagonist

Can fit into each one

of their back stories.

Some drinks!

We need to get some alcohol.

My cougars be thirsty.

All right, let's move

that ho train out, girls.

Back to your place.

Drink till we forget.

All right, see you in a bit.

Why is it

When you say

it's going to be one drink,

It never is.

How did the ho train go?

Yeah, ho train got derailed.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Hey, Theo, what was Mick

talking about?

Everything's okay

at wax-Opolis, right?

Because from the way

he was talking,

It seemed like you might be

in a little bit of trouble.

"Trouble" is a very

"subjective" word.

What the f*** does that mean?

Essentially,

I believe that Mick's

idea of "trouble"

Is that I need to raise $15,000

To save the business.

15 grand?

Are you shitting me?

Theo, how did this happen?

Well, I did borrow some money.

For what?

I tried a few alternative

methods of making money

In the off-Season

That didn't really pan out.

Like what?

Mostly wax-Based

enterprises

Like candles,

And hair removal,

Like backs

and vaginas and such.

I'll bet.

Okay.

Let's go.

I'm bagged, and I've had

a really shitty day.

Theo, did it ever occur to you

That women might not

want rainman

Putting hot wax

on their pubic hair

And tearing it out and stuff?

This guy, I love it!

When do you need the money by?

Technically,

I have until Monday.

But not until 5:
00 P.M.

Oh, well, you should

be fine, then.

Jesus Christ, how are you

so unfazed by this, Theo?

Something will happen.

It's karma,

the law of the universe.

Look, I would help out,

But all my money's tied up

in a condo down-Payment.

Yeah, and I would

help, too, but...

actually, no, I wouldn't

help you, brah.

You're a bit

of a f***-Up, man.

Sorry.

What are you gonna do

if you lose the place?

I guess I'll live off the land,

And on the charity

of my fellow brethren.

That's a great strategy.

The hobo who lives in

the dumpster behind my office

Has the same business model.

Hey.

Why don't we have

the mother of all parties

And trash the place?

That's not a bad idea,

Except...

let's not

trash the place, right?

We'll just have

the mother of all parties.

20 bucks a head.

Or more.

Cash bar.

I think we can cover the debt.

Worst case scenario,

Boatloads of women,

And we have a licence

to print vagina.

What?

Don't worry about it.

Okay, look, I think

we have a good plan.

Mm-Hmm.

This could work.

Yeah!

I thought you were doing

some kung fu or something.

No.

Check it out, dudes.

Well,

That's real cool.

I really like

The guitar-Toting

snowboarding Jesus.

Hey, Theo,

I'm sorry to interrupt,

I have this, um, "situation."

Look at this.

It's ridiculous!

And I have a date tonight.

What happened?

I kind of like it.

Are you kidding me?

It looks like a Viking

is eating a tulip.

How did this happen?

This isn't my wax job,

it's barbaric.

It looks like you have

buckwheat in a leglock.

I feel like there's an ewok

Trying to sell a bearskin rug

to my labia.

You know what,

You're being a little

hard on yourself.

That's very European.

Tres au naturel.

It's more like an old man

choking on a Persian cat.

Or like sasquatch trying

to play a small accordion.

I'll see what I can do.

Why don't you head

into the back, and... Wow.

We'll figure it out.

Guys, this, um,

might take a while.

Yeah, yeah.

Go.

She must do kegels.

Vick wins!

What!

Daddy, it's Mick.

Yeah, I know it's you, dickwad.

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