The Naughty Nineties Page #4

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I wanna find out the fellows'

names. As long as it's okay...

I'm crazy about baseball. Will you

stand still? Go pick up your hat!

Then you'll go peddle your popcorn

and don't interrupt the act anymore?

Yes, sir. Strange as it may seem,

they give ballplayers peculiar names.

Funny names? Nicknames. Pet names.

Not as funny as my name... Sebastian

Dinwiddle. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Funnier than that? Whoo!

Oh, absolutely, yes.

Now, on the St. Louis team,

we have Who's on first,

What's on second,

I Don't Know's on third...

I want you to tell me the names of

the fellows on the St. Louis team.

Who's on first, What's on

second, I Don't Know's on third...

You know the fellows' names? Yes.

Well then, who's playing first? Yes. Who.

The fellow playing first base. Who!

The guy on first base.

Who is on first.

Well, what are you

askin' me for?

I'm telling you.

Who is on first!

I'm askin' you who's on

first. That's the man's name.

That's whose name? Go

ahead and tell me. Yes. Who.

The guy on first. The first

baseman. Who! Who is on first!

Have you got a first baseman? Certainly.

Then who's playing first? Absolutely.

When you pay off the first baseman

every month, who gets the money?

Every dollar of it. And why

not? The man's entitled to it.

Who is?

Yes.

So who gets it?

Why shouldn't he?

Sometimes his wife

comes down and collects it.

Whose wife?

Yes.

Whoo! After all, the man earns it.

Who does?

Absolutely.

All I'm tryin' to find out is,

what's the guy's name on first base?

No. What is on second base. I'm

not askin' you who's on second.

Who's on first. That's

what I'm tryin' to find out.

Don't change the players around. I'm not

changin' nobody. What's the guy's name?

What's the guy's name

on second base.

I'm not askin' you who's

on second. Who's on first.

I don't know. He's on third.

We're not talking about him.

How did I get on third

base? You mentioned his name.

If I mentioned the third baseman's

name, who is playing third?

No, Who's playing first.

Stay off of first, will you?

What do you want me to do? What's

the guy's name on third base?

What's on second. Who's

on first. I don't know.

He's on third. There I

go, back on third again.

Well, I can't

change their names.

Will you please stay on

third base, Mr. Broadhurst?

Please, now what is it

you want to know?

What is the fellow's

name on third base?

What is on second base. I'm

not askin' you who's on second.

Who's on first.

I don't know.

Third base. Whoo! Third base.

You got a outfield?

Oh, sure.

St. Louis has got a good

outfield? Absolutely.

The left fielder's name? Why.

I don't know.

I just thought I'd ask.

Well, I just thought I'd tell

you. Who's playing left field?

Who is playing first.

Stay out of the infield!

Don't mention any names. What's

the fellow's name on left field?

What is on second. I'm not

askin' you who's on second.

Who is on first.

I don't know.

Third base.

Third base.

Take it easy, man. And

the left fielder's name?

Why.

Because.

Oh, he's center field.

Pick up your hat, please.

Pick up your hat

and stop this...

Mr. Broadhurst.

Yes?

You got a pitcher? Wouldn't this

be a fine team without a pitcher?

I don't know. Tell me the

pitcher's name. Tomorrow.

You don't wanna tell me today?

I'm tellin' you. Tomorrow.

What time?

What time what?

What time are you gonna tell me

who's pitching? Who is not pitching.

Who is on... I'll break your

arm if you say who's on first!

Then why did you ask me? I wanna

know what's the pitcher's name!

What's on second.

I don't know.

Third base.

You got a catcher?

Yes.

The catcher's name?

Today.

And Tomorrow's pitching.

Now you've got it.

St. Louis has got a couple of days

on the team. Well, I can't help that.

All right.

What do you want me to do?

Got a catcher?

Yes.

I'm a good catcher too,

you know? I know that.

I would like to play for the St.

Louis team. I might arrange that.

I would like to catch.

I'm being a good catcher.

Tomorrow's pitching, and I'm catching. Yes.

Tomorrow throws the ball,

and the guy up bunts. Yes.

When he bunts the ball,

me being a good catcher,

I wanna throw the guy

out on first base.

So I pick up the ball

and throw it to who?

That's the first thing

you've said right.

I don't even know what I'm talkin'

about! That's all you have to do.

Throw it to first base?

Yes.

Now, who's got it?

Naturally.

Who has it?

Naturally.

Naturally?

Naturally.

Okay.

Now you've got it.

I pick up the ball and throw it

to Naturally. No, to first base.

Then who gets it?

Naturally.

Okay.

All right.

I throw the ball to

Naturally. You throw it to Who!

Naturally. Well, that's

it. Say it that way.

That's what I said.

You did not.

I said I throw the ball to

Naturally. You throw it to Who!

Naturally.

Yes.

So I throw the ball to first

base, and Naturally gets it.

No, you throw the ball to

first base! Then who gets it?

Naturally!

That's what I'm saying!

You're not saying that. I'm

sorry, friends. Excuse me, folks.

I throw the ball to

Naturally! You throw it to Who!

Naturally!

Well, say it that way.

That's what I'm saying! Don't get excited.

I throw the ball to first

base... Then Who gets it.

He better get it! All right.

Now, don't get excited.

Hmm. I throw the ball

to first base,

whoever it is grabs the ball

so the guy runs to second.

Who picks up the ball

and throws it to What.

What throws it

to I Don't Know.

I Don't Know throws it back

to Tomorrow. A triple play.

Yeah, it could be. Another guy gets

up and hits a long fly ball to Because.

Why? I don't know.

He's on third,

and I don't care!

What was that?

I said, I don't care!

Oh, that's our shortstop.

Three nines.

Kings full.

Nobody could win that often

without cheatin'.

That's the last straw.

I had to stand by and watch you

put gambling on my showboat.

Then it was cheating.

Now it's gunplay.

This isn't a boomtown barroom.

It's the River Queen.

It's just a scratch, boys.

Go on with your games.

Let me by with this

load of catfish.

Not unless I gets

my share of them cats.

Move out o' the way, sister.

Mr. Sebastian

is calling for food.

That Miss Farrel's cook Effie

is hogging up the pantry.

But I'll get you

some chopped meat.

Get outta my kitchen, you ornery

cat, or I'll chop you to cat burgers.

Hey! Did you hear what he said?

He's gonna make cat croquettes.

Oh. Where are you going?

Sit down! Gotta eat something.

Yeah, but not anything.

Will you sit down?

Scat outta here!

Scat! Scat! Scat!

You take care of that cat, and

I'll take care of this catfish.

Scat outta here, I tell you!

Sure is wonderful cat.

I'm gonna eat some of that.

You gonna eat a whole cat?

Mr. Broadhurst,

let's get out of here.

Nonsense.

You can't walk out...

when the man is cooking

something special for you.

Take it easy, take it easy.

What are you excited about?

You'll enjoy it.

I thought you said you were hungry.

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