The Pink Panther Page #5

in your life?

Oh, no.

Love has not yet come my way.

How could Inspector Clouseau

be with a simple woman?

She would have to be

so extraordinary in order to keep up.

It's hard.

- What is?

- For you to meet someone.

Oh, yes.

We have a big day tomorrow.

We will go to Xania's hotel

and find out what she is up to.

- Good night, Ponton.

- Good night, Clouseau.

- Good one.

- Thank you.

I got her hotel phone records.

Xania made two phone calls...

...to a notorious

black-market diamond cutter.

There she is! Newspapers!

Newspapers!

Newspapers!

Newspapers!

Floor 12.

I smell something fishy.

May I help you?

Good teamwork.

Stop! Stop whatever it is

you are doing! You are defenseless!

We have already taken care

of your thugs patrolling the building.

I don't have any thugs.

You don't?

Ponton, I think we owe

those men an apology.

And what is it you are cutting?

Pink diamond. Clear.

- Clear?

- It's not the Pink Panther.

And what are you doing here

sneaking around?

This purse once belonged

to Josephine Baker.

It was falling apart, so

I had it studded with diamonds...

...to wear on-stage

at the Presidential Ball.

Well, why did you just not tell me

why you were coming?

I can't be seen at a diamond cutter.

Not after what happened.

That may be one

of your mysterious clients now.

Hello?

Yes, I am the person

in charge of the phone bill.

Well, I'm somewhat happy

with my service.

Twelve months

with that many minutes?

Plus free minutes per month?

Yes, sign me up.

Yes, Jacques Clouseau...

...credit card number:

Yes? Yes, you may have

my e-mail address.

DoctorKnockers@aol.com.

Well, I think I just got myself

a pretty good deal.

- When are you leaving the city?

- I'm leaving tomorrow. Yeah.

I may have to seduce her, Ponton,

in order to get her to talk.

- Part of the job.

- Talk about what?

I want to find out what time

her plane is leaving in the morning.

- Why not just ask her?

- Too obvious.

I may have to pump her

for information.

- I see.

- Inspector...

...would you like to join me

for dinner at the Waldorf?

Certainly, mademoiselle.

Say, 8:
00?

Eight o'clock.

Say, I don't know,

my room on the second floor?

"I don't know,

my room on the second floor."

I'll see you then.

It might be a trap.

Who cares?

Welcome to my room, inspector.

It is lovely weather we are having.

Oh, yes, baby. Oh, yes.

Why?

Why what?

Why were you being

so elusive today?

I was afraid of Larocque.

- He might be following me.

- Larocque? The casino owner?

He sent out word

threatening to kill anyone...

...in possession

of the Pink Panther.

He believes it belongs to him.

But why would he follow you?

I was in New York

to see a diamond cutter.

He might draw

the wrong conclusion.

You know...

...a man sitting here

in your private suite...

...so close to you...

...might draw

the wrong conclusion too.

Or the right one.

I've heard things

about you, inspector.

What sort of things?

That you really know

how to treat a woman.

Yes. Yes.

Let the games begin.

Let me just slip away.

Yes!

No! No, no! No, no!

My miracle pill

for the middle-aged man.

Give it back.

Inspector?

- Are you all right in there?

- I hope you're getting yourself ready.

Inspector? Are you sure

you're okay in there?

Yes, I am. I'm fine.

I'm just getting in the mood for love.

Well, hello.

We need fresh towels in 204.

Don't ask why, just do it.

You have the flight number.

He leaves tomorrow out of JFK.

He'll be easy to spot. He's got

white hair, a thin mustache...

...brimming with self-confidence

and completely lost.

- Did you get the stuff?

- Yes.

Good.

Give it to me.

Airline food is for suckers.

I will smuggle this on.

Just act cool.

- Hey, that's Xania!

- Hello.

Hi. Yes, thank you.

I still think she is hiding

something, Ponton.

What?

If I knew what she was hiding,

then it wouldn't be hidden, would it?

- All right. Thank you.

- One more! One more!

Okay, let's go. Next.

Nothing to declare.

- Come on through.

- Hand check on two.

- This your bag, sir?

- Yes, it is.

- We'll have to hand check it.

- Go ahead. I have nothing to hide.

In my bag.

Come with me, sir.

Wait here, pal.

It's a harmless pocketknife.

It's a harmless pair of...

Numchucks?

I don't... I don't even own a mace.

I don't know where that came from.

I've never seen that stuff in my life.

Jimbo!

You don't need Jimbo.

- Jimbo, stay.

- What's in your pocket, sir?

- Nothing.

- Sir, I'll say again...

...what's in your pocket?

- Nothing.

I'm gonna ask you again,

what's in your pocket, sir?

All right.

I have, in my pocket...

...a couple of "hambwortsforts."

What?

I have in my pocket...

...a couple of "dolvargars."

Sir?

- Sir, in your pocket you have...?

- All right, I have four "hanholders."

I'm sorry. Once more.

Again!

- Sir...

- Hey, what's that?

- Sir... Sir, I'm losing my patience.

- Oh, you are?

- You are losing your patience?

- Yes.

I'm simply telling you I have

a couple of "tamburthers."

I've got an End darter down on six.

I've got an End darter down on six!

- Locked and loaded, sir!

- Show me your hands, sir!

All right, I'll just show you.

- No, no, no! Stay here, sir.

- Sic him, W!

- Yes, that's him!

- Inspector, what is a "damburgert"?

Inspector, how does it feel

to have let down the nation?

So much for the heroic

Inspector Clouseau.

Well, this is a glorious day

for France.

How so, chief inspector?

Because a stupid idiot

named Clouseau...

...is going to be stripped of his rank

while I take over his case.

You have a second man

named Clouseau?

My God. Leave us alone

for a moment.

You, out. Go, go. Go.

I must have a private word...

...with Inspector Clouseau.

Understand something, Clouseau.

When I made you an inspector,

it was not because I thought...

...you had any value as a detective.

It was because I thought you were the

stupidest policeman in all of France.

A hopeless, deluded idiot.

Then I was not promoted

for my merits?

I only made you inspector

because I needed someone...

...who would quietly get

nowhere until I was ready...

...to take over the case myself.

I was trying to catch a killer.

You were trying...

You were trying to become a hero.

Well, you will be stripped...

...of your rank,

ridiculed by the media...

...and I will be done with you.

And now if you will excuse me,

ex-inspector, I must go and prepare...

...for the arrest which will win me

the Medal of Honor...

...catapult me to the National

Assembly, and after that, who knows?

- Goodbye, Clouseau.

- Shall we lock him up?

Look at him.

He is finished.

Let him go home to obscurity.

You knew?

Ponton...

...things were not

as I supposed they were.

And if I ever made

you look foolish...

...I am sorry.

It was an honor

serving under you, sir.

Good one.

The Internet.

Hello, old friend.

"To download your new

cell-phone ringtone...

...press the button

that says 'download."'

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