The Pirates of Somalia Page #5

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- Really?

- The whole time.

There are orders

from the colonel, Omar.

- He's not into sunshine?

- He's into keeping you alive.

- Fair enough.

Oh, cute.

- And yes, uh, we are

very sorry, uh, no hot water.

Welcome to Somalia, yeah.

- [chuckles]

No worries. I'll make do.

Was thinking about growing

it out. What do you think?

- Oh, hair on the face

is very popular here.

- Yeah?

- Yes.

- Good. That's great.

- Good idea.

You have a mosquito net?

- I do, definitely.

- Good.

Malaria is very rampant

here, as well as rats,

so any valuable, any food,

you must keep it inside the box.

- Cool, just like camp.

Well, thanks

for everything, Abdi.

- Yes, uh, welcome. Good night.

Anything you need, uh,

let me know.

- Okay, perfect, thank you.

Oh, uh, one last thing.

Um, I kind of like to work

with things taped on the walls.

Is that okay?

- Oh, it's okay,

as long as

no pornography, eh?

- Not a problem.

- Because small, little kids

come, walk in.

- Yeah, no.

- So--so no--

- Please, yeah.

- Okay. Bye.

- All right.

[speaking Somali]

- Good night.

Bye-bye.

- Thank you. Night.

[exhales]

Can't open

the f***ing window.

[Joe Dassin's "Et Si Tu

N'existais Pas playing]

[man singing Muslim prayer]

- Ahh! Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t.

- [speaking Somali]

Oh, sh*t.

Ugh, rats.

[grunts]

[prayer continues]

Ahh.

[sighs]

Garowe, Somalia, December 10,

2008, a view from my room.

I've broken security measures

and opened my window.

Holy sh*t.

- [whistles]

- Opening the windows?

You got a knack

for living dangerously, bro.

- Sorry, man. Totally worth it.

That girl was mad hot. Wow.

- She's--she's one

of Garaad's wives.

- Who's--who's Garaad?

- Garaad, he's a pirate,

and he's, uh,

one of the most powerful men

in all of Puntland.

- Really?

- Her name is Maryan.

- Maryan.

- She sells khat in the market.

- Mm, whoa, khat dealer?

- That's where all these

pretty girls

are going, to sell khat.

- Is it possible to conduct

an interview with her?

- With her, it's not advisable.

- Well, how do we meet Garaad?

- Garaad?

- Yeah.

- No, no, no, no.

We are avoiding this guy.

- No. Dude, I didn't come--

- This guy--

- No, I didn't

come here to avoid.

- He's dangerous.

He's a very dangerous man, so--

- And Boyah isn't?

I mean, come on.

- Well, you'll find out Boyah.

- What does that mean?

- We're going now. Let's go.

- Now?

- I set up a meeting, yes, now.

- Sh*t, let's go.

- Let's go. Okay.

[singing in Somali]

[shouting]

[both speaking Somali]

- [speaking Somali]

[both speaking Somali]

- Where's he going?

- Now me and you meet him

under the tree.

- [speaking Somali]

- Come.

- Okay. Okay.

You know those

out-of-body experiences

where you look around and say,

"This sh*t

isn't happening to me?"

My only one I could compare it

to was when I got pulled over

for speeding in Kitchener.

Cop asked me

to step out of the car

'cause I had a blunt

in the ashtray.

- What is a blunt?

- You know, grass, marijuana.

- That isn't tolerated

in America?

- I'm Canadian.

- Sorry, bro, I forget.

- Well, please don't forget

when I get shot here.

I want my body sent

to the right country.

- No one will shoot you.

- Maimed, whatever.

[both speaking Somali]

- He wants to know

what's your shirt.

- [laughs] My shirt?

- Yes.

- Uh, this is a Blue Jays shirt.

It's the, uh, baseball

team in Toronto.

[both speaking Somali]

- He wants to know

who wears the number 15.

- 15?

Uh, that's my man, Alex Rios.

Uh, he's, uh, what you call

a five-tool player.

No one can touch him

in my opinion.

[both speaking Somali]

- He say as Somali people

number five is very important.

- [speaking Somali]

- As we pray five times a day,

and they say the liar

has five religions.

- Maybe that five explains

why Rios is such a monster.

All right, uh--

so Boyah,

um, Westerners call you

a, uh--a pirate.

[both speaking Somali]

- He's saying

he's not a pirate.

He is someone

defending his oceans.

- Badaadinta badah?

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- [speaking Somali]

- He was a lobster diver

from Eyl.

- [speaking Somali]

- The Westerners come, Chinese,

the Koreans, uh--

- [speaking Somali]

- And they

overfished the waters.

- [speaking Somali]

- So they must pay for

their illegal actions.

- So you attack

their fishing vessels.

- [speaking Somali]

- He takes the taxes that the

government's supposed to take.

That's all he's doing.

- [speaking Somali]

- And they never kill anyone.

- Never?

- [speaking Somali]

- Yes, he said never,

not his men.

- Who are your merry men?

Or men--just say men.

- [speaking Somali]

- It's 500 men based in Eyl.

- [speaking Somali]

- He's the one that

gathered them together,

and he's also the one

that pays them their wages.

- Wow, impressive.

So how do you pick someone

worthy of your confederation?

[both speaking Somali]

- First, he must own

his own gun.

That's why he show you the gun.

- Right.

- And they must be ready to die.

- [speaking Somali]

- He wants to know

if you have khat for him.

- Khat?

No, uh, sorry, I--no,

I--wha--

What the f***?

What just happened?

- You were supposed to bring

the khat to him!

- I'm supposed to bring drugs

to this interview?

- Yeah, you should know.

- You didn't tell me that!

How am I supposed to know that?

- You didn't research it?

- It's not on f***ing

Google, man.

I don't know what to tell you.

- Yeah, you don't come to

[speaking Somali] with no khat.

- Great.

- Jay Bahadur, now you know.

Mm.

[phone rings]

- CBC, Avril Benoit's office.

- Hi, this is Jay Bahadur.

I'm calling for Ms. Benoit.

I believe she's expecting

my call.

- One moment, please.

Avril, I have a Jay Bahadur

on the line.

He says you're

expecting his call.

- I don't know a Jay Bahadur.

- Okay.

I'm sorry, she can't be

reached at the moment.

Uh, can she return, Mr. Bahadur?

- No, it'd be impossible

to return. I need to talk now.

It's critical.

- Well, unfortunately,

she's unavailable.

- No! Please, uh--

what's your name?

- Beth.

- Beth, hey, Beth.

Um, there's gonna be a moment

when you're not on

that desk screening calls,

and you're gonna need a break,

a single tiny break

from the assistant

on the other end,

and that karma

is gonna be paid off

by giving me a break

in this very moment.

- You think it gets me a raise?

- Definitely.

Just tell her

that I'm in Somalia.

- Okay, fine. You win.

Jay Bahadur says

he's calling from Somalia.

- Oh, sh*t.

Jesus, yeah, I'll take it.

Hello, this is Avril Benoit.

- Hi, Ms. Benoit.

This is Jay Bahadur.

I believe Seymour

told you about me.

- Yes, yes. Are you really

calling from Somalia?

- Yes, I'm in Garowe,

all limbs intact.

- Jesus.

- Look, I sent you

a proposal, uh,

regarding a book

I'm writing on the pirates.

I don't know if you had

a chance to review it.

- I'm gonna be honest

with you, Jay, I haven't.

Are you really there?

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