The Prisoner of Second Avenue Page #3

ln two years,|we've had only four burglaries...

...two attempted rapes|and one completed rape.

Give me the country anytime.

Don't lie there.|We just had manure put down.

Well, listen, tell me about the girls.|Do they like college?

Karen seems very happy.

Maggie, l don't know about.|She never writes.

Come on. Try it.

Up and down.

Up and down, never sideways.

Never sideways.|Okay, l'll try to remember.

What do you do with yourself|now that the girls are gone?

-lt must be very lonely for you.|-lt is sometimes.

l've thought about going back to work...

...but l like to be home|when Mel gets there.

Up and down.|Up and down, never sideways.

Can l ask you something personal?|After all, l'm your brother for 55 years.

-Forty-eight. You had seven on your own.|-Fifty-five, 48, what's the difference?

l think something's wrong.|l think you got some kind of trouble.

l'm not blind.|You're not enjoying yourself.

l've been here three hours. l've got|poison ivy, l'm chewed up by gnats...

...l laid in manure|and your dog piddled on my car.

So l haven't really had a hell of a lot|of time for rural ecstasy.

l can tell by the way you put|that Scotch away.

-Something is very wrong.|-Nothing is--

l'd like to know|so that maybe l can help you.

What is it? Trouble with Edna?|Another woman?

Edna's the only damn thing|l can depend on.

Then you got no troubles.

You're happy with your wife,|got your health, got no trouble.

l got fired, Harry.

All right. You got a problem,|but not trouble.

Good. For a minute there,|l was worried.

l'm not saying it's wonderful news, but|it's not the end of the world. Don't panic.

When the littlest thing would happen,|you'd panic. Am l right?

Oh, you're right. Every time l lose a job|after 22 years, l panic.

You were 4 years old.|Look how you were crying.

Look how you panicked.|Look how calm l am.

Look how you didn't have|to get on the damn pony.

l was on plenty of ponies in my time.

Bigger ponies than this.

l was the breadwinner.|Don't forget that.

-l have never forgotten the bread.|-But l never panicked.

l always tried to examine the situation|intelligently.

You always fell apart.|You were that way in the crib.

-Remember that?|-Distinctly.

l remember panicking in the crib.|You sat in the highchair...

...figured it out intelligently.

Why? What was the reason they gave?

-You worked there over 20 years.|-They lost $3 million last year...

...and 2 the year before.|They're looking to save pennies.

The vice president of my department|used the same paper clip for six months.

Nobody came to work late anymore.

They were afraid somebody|would sell your desk.

ln other words, you saw it coming.

All right.

You know what you can do, don't you?|Come in with me.

Thank you, Harry. No offense,|l'm not cut out for the chandelier business.

Lighting fixtures, not just chandeliers.|Lighting fixtures!

And don't knock it.

Could we turn all of this off?|lt looks like a night game at Shea Stadium.

And what did Edna say|when you told her?

-Nothing.|-lsn't that something? No tears, no panic.

l knew it.|She's got a lot of strength, that girl.

-l didn't tell her, Harry.|-Oh, my God, l wonder how she'll take it.

Why do you think l slept two minutes|in six weeks? l keep waiting...

-...for something to turn up.|-Tell her, Mel.

Tell her.|Don't bear this burden by yourself.

lt helps to share it with other people.

-l told you, and l don't feel any better.|-l'm not your wife.

This is something you have to share|with your wife.

What's something you share|with your wife?

Dinner.

How would you like your steaks?

Medium.

Medium.

Medium.

What were you talking about so long|with Harry?

l don't know. l never listen|when l'm talking to Harry.

Talk to me, Mel.|l'm a good listener.

-Edna.|-Yes, Mel?

Get a dollar for the toll.

This is Dan Raller|with news on the hour.

It's 5:
00, and the temperature|is 92 degrees.

A member of the Albanian Diplomatic Corps|was mugged today in Central Park...

...despite the fact that two patrolmen|were only 1 00 yards away.

The Albanian claimed he screamed loudly|for two minutes.

But unfortunately did not know|the English word for ''help. ''

Good afternoon.

-Thank you.|-You're welcome.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.|Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

l don't know yet.|The television, some jewelry...

...liquor, clothing.|Lots of clothing.

All my dresses, my coats.

All of my husband's suits.|There's not a thing left in his closet.

Well, could you send somebody|right away?

l'm all alone here.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Valium. l need a Valium.

Edna?

Mel, it's you.

Didn't Mildred come to clean today?

Not today. Mondays and Thursdays.

Well, what the hell happened here?|Why is this place such a mess?

We've been robbed.

What do you mean, robbed?

Robbed. Robbed.

What does rob mean?|They come in, they take things out.

They used to be yours,|now they're theirs.

We've been robbed!

l don't understand.|Someone walked in and robbed us?

You think they made an appointment?|We've been robbed!

Calm down. Take it easy.|l'm asking one simple question.

-What did they get?|-l don't know yet.

l was shopping.|l was only gone five minutes--

You couldn't have been gone five minutes.|Look.

Five minutes. That's all.

lt took the Santini brothers two days|to move everything in.

How could junkies move it out|in five minutes?

lt's a special talent.

When you came back|did you notice anybody suspicious?

-Everyone in this building is suspicious.|-Did you notice anybody leaving...

-...with bundles or packages?|-Three guys in the elevator.

How should l know it was our television?

They took the television.|A brand-new color television.

-You saw them and didn't say anything?|-Should l have made a citizen's arrest?

l had bundles in my arms.|l didn't know it was ours!

Could you describe them to the police?

l didn't notice.|l'm not Bulldog Drummond.

-What do you want from me?|-Sit. l'll get you a Scotch. lt'll calm you.

-lt won't calm me down. They took it.|-My Chivas Regal too?

No, they're gonna take cheap Scotch,|not the Chivas.

They took it all.|They cleaned us out!

Sons of b*tches.|Sons of b*tches.

Sons of b*tches!

Dirty rotten bastards!

You heard me!

Must've been gorillas to lift all that|in five minutes. Sons of b*tches.

-Stop swearing. l just called the police.|-Did you call the police?

-Didn't l say that?|-Tell them we were robbed?

Why else would l call them?

-What kind of questions are you asking?|-Calm down. You're hysterical!

-l am not.|-You're hysterical.

You're making me hysterical.

Don't you realize my house|has been robbed?

What am l, a boarder?|My house has just been robbed too.

My Scotch, my television are missing too.

-You didn't walk in and find it.|-What is the difference who found it?

There's still nothing to drink or watch.

Oh, my God.

They found my kitchen money too.

What kitchen money?

l kept my kitchen money in here.

-Eighty-six dollars.|-ln cash?

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