The Relationtrip Page #4

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Are you...

picturing me in a Catholic

school girl uniform right now?

Yeah. 100%.

I'm gonna look at

your yearbook photo

and listen to this song like

a hundred times this summer.

Cool.

Totally cool.

Uh...

I guess I'll see you

in high school?

- See you in high school.

- Mm.

Good night.

[gentle instrumental music]

Whoa.

Whoa. What up, sleepyhead?

What do we have here?

I'm currently making my

world-famous eggs

that are guaranteed to

knock your goddamn socks off.

Pshew!

- Okay.

- You like eggs, right?

Yeah. Do I like eggs?

Of course I like eggs!

Right.

All right. How about this?

I make one of my

world-famous lattes,

guaranteed to knock

your goddamn socks off,

then we'll both be sockless and one

step closer to getting in that pool.

I like it. I like it.

Good.

Permission to

compliment you.

Mm. Permission granted.

You look really pretty with

your hair all crazy like that.

Whoa, watch out now.

[laughs] Well, you look

really pretty in that apron.

It's 'cause real men

wear pink.

- Oh, do they?

- So...

- Real man.

- Okay.

- I wear pink.

- Do they?

I guess I forgot.

Come on...

Hey, you need help?

Okay.

You got it?

Bunny ears.

I do a loop it.

Loop it, scoop it.

Oh, okay,

I'll loop it.

- Not too tight.

- Just... Okay. Just give me a second.

- Okay.

- Perfect.

- Thank you.

- Welcome.

Mm.

Mm. Delish.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Somehow your socks

are still on.

Holy cow! Watch out.

Whoo! My socks have somehow

been knocked clean off.

There we go.

That's better.

Hold on.

Mm-hmm.

What you got?

- Mm-mm.

- What you got?

- Uh-oh. Do you feel that?

- Uh-huh.

Do you feel that? Boom!

Boom!

We left each other sockless.

Wow.

It's amazing.

Hey, you got a...

You got a little...

- What?

- I don't know. Come here.

You got a little something.

Let me see.

Did you get it?

Yeah, almost.

Actually, you know what?

You got something, too.

[Beck] Hmm.

- There we go.

- Got it.

Um...

Thank you for...

for cooking, but...

I actually don't like eggs.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah.

You know what?

I don't drink coffee.

Oh.

It's okay.

- Huh.

- Mm-hmm.

Cool.

Cool.

[Beck] So I remember reading

this thing in school.

Some philosopher said that

we were originally born with

four arms, four legs,

and a head with two faces.

And somewhere

along the lines,

the Gods decided to split

everyone into two separate parts,

so that the rest of your

existence on Earth

is all about trying to

find that other half.

Whoa.

That's a lot of pressure.

It scared the sh*t

out of me.

Like, what if your other half

is born in Laos?

I only found out that country

even exists like last week.

How am I gonna find

my other half there?

[Liam] Yeah. Or what if

your other half dies?

[Beck] Whoa.

I think I'd rather just get

really good at being a half.

Two arms, two legs,

one head.

[Liam] Oh, yeah.

One head is plenty.

[Beck] Mm-hmm.

[Liam] Buddy and Sara always make me

feel like I'm running out of time.

Like, if I don't

get a girlfriend,

someone from the government

is gonna come and kill me.

[Beck] Oh, yeah. Franklin asked

me if I would be his surrogate,

because what the f*** else

am I doing with my eggs?

[Liam] Can't you sell them

for, like, a ton of money?

[Beck chuckles]

[Beck] Oh, the other day he introduced

me to his bald 45-year-old neighbor

like he was a potential

love interest.

[Liam]

Oh, God. Like, yeah.

"This person likes to

breathe air too.

You two have so much

in common."

[Beck laughs] Mm-hmm.

It's like I'm that

guy from operation,

and everyone just takes turns trying to

fix me with those little metal tweezers.

[Liam] I can't even look at

the Internet anymore,

because there's just pictures

of people's babies.

[Beck] Mm-hmm.

Or photos of couples

at the Grand Canyon,

the girls flashing some, like,

ridiculous engagement ring.

[Liam]

I can't help but feel like

the people in those photos

are looking right at me.

Like, "What are you waiting

for, you f***ing loser?"

[Beck] Yeah.

F*** 'em all.

[Liam] Yeah. F*** 'em all.

For the lady.

- Thank you, sir.

- Mm-hmm.

Come on in.

Wow.

I cleared out my three

top drawers for you.

- Babe!

- Mm-hmm.

- I got you something.

- What?

Aw, babe!

You shouldn't have.

Wanted to.

- What is it?

- You'll see.

- Tell me, tell me, tell me...

- You'll see.

You'll see. You'll see.

You'll see.

[gasps]

What!

I made it myself.

I love green and yellow.

- May I?

- Yes, please.

I'll never take it off.

Good.

Good.

- Hey.

- Mm.

What was little Liam like?

Well, despite my hulking

physical presence,

I was a pretty small kid

growing up.

Aw! Little baby Liam.

I wanna know him.

What did he wanna be

when he grew up?

Football star.

- What?

- Mm.

- You played football?

- No.

God, no.

My mom didn't let me.

Said I was too small and

the other kids would hurt me.

[Beck] I don't like that.

[Liam] She bought me Nintendo.

And then I developed

a good old-fashioned

fear of people

bigger than me.

[Beck] Come on.

What did your dad have

to say about all that?

[Liam] Nothing.

My dad died when I was a baby.

[Beck] Oh.

I'm sorry.

[Liam] It's okay,

It was a heart attack.

My mom always said that she would try to

tell him to take better care of himself,

but he was too stubborn

to listen.

So growing up,

any time I disagreed with her,

she would say,

"You know who else

thought I was wrong?"

No!

- Mm-hmm.

- Whoa! That's...

That's heavy.

I grew up pretty much thinking

everything would kill me.

Oh, my God.

Ugh!

Sounds cruel, but,

sometimes I think I'd be

better of if my dad were dead.

What?

Yeah.

He, um...

He had an affair

when I was like six.

Some younger girl.

No!

Mm-hmm.

My parents tried to be

really discreet about it.

My mom had gained

all this weight, and...

my dad just...

treated her different...

like, physically.

He would only kiss her

on the top of her head.

Little things like that.

And then when it finally came

out with this younger girl...

My mom learned about it.

She didn't even...

She acted like she

didn't even care.

Like she just completely

shut down,

like a zombie. Like...

And then, I just

tried my best to

play make believe

with my best friend

and avoid them.

Sh*t, Beck.

Yeah.

Then he ended up running

off with the other girl.

And that was it.

Did you ever see him again?

Yeah, actually.

When I was in college

he got in touch with me.

And he asked me to

go out to lunch.

Did you go?

Mm-hmm.

But...

Sorry, I haven't talked about

this in a long time.

[sighs] When I got

to the restaurant...

[scoffs]

I saw him sitting there

in there window, and...

um...

He was really old...

and fat...

and bald.

And he looked...

He looked...

so nervous, and I just...

I was mad and angry

and grossed out.

I just didn't wanna f***ing

deal with it, so I...

[sighs heavily]

I left. I just...

I didn't go in.

Wow.

And that was it?

Yeah.

Then I went back to...

distracting myself with

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