The Rewrite Page #7

but I'm just not sure it's really going

to pass muster to just

retell those stories

and change some names around.

I didn't.

Well, you have a small, wise,

greenish character called Zoda.

- That's not the same.

- Yes,

but I just think maybe it'd be good

to let go of your obsessions.

Do you have other ideas?

I was thinking about

trying to join a frat.

Well, that would take care

of your social life, I suppose.

Anything we could do, writing-wise?

They're kind of the same thing.

A lot of nights when

I'm sitting home alone,

Star Wars is what I look forward to.

And sometimes I wish it was real

and I could go live in that world.

So, that's what I write about.

It's just that somebody

already wrote it.

Yeah, no, it's bad timing.

So you think I should do the frat thing?

Yeah, why not? Expand your horizons.

Go forth like Luke Skywalker

and find new worlds to conquer.

- Mr Michaels.

- Rosa.

Sorry to bother, but...

That was an awesome class on character

development the other day. Thanks.

Oh, well, my pleasure, Rosa.

You know, I've been

teaching for 25 years,

nobody's ever thanked me.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Ooh, that felt good.

I've been hearing really good buzz

from the kids on your course, Keith.

I know Hollywood is calling, but if you

could stay, we'd love to have you.

Well, I appreciate that,

it's very flattering. Thanks.

I don't think students should

even be allowed to attend these events.

Oh, you look good doing that.

Watch the hair.

- Yes, hello, Ellen.

- Hey.

- Got the outline. Looks good.

- Excellent.

I think even an agent of your calibre

should be able to sell it.

And, I have a script I'd like you to take

a look at by a young man in my class.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It's called Veronica, Out of Time

and it's about a kick-ass girl

who gets sucked into a time machine

and has to fight her way back

through various periods of history.

Imagine The Matrix meets Gossip Girl.

- Oh. Hold that. I like that.

- Yeah, me too.

And if anything happens with it,

I would like to produce.

Email me the pages.

In the meantime, stay out of trouble.

I'm in Binghamton.

What trouble could I get into?

Oh, hang on.

I think I just discovered how the

rhetorical question was invented.

- I'll talk to you later.

- Bye.

Hi.

I want to discuss our relationship,

if you can call it that.

Well, exactly,

I am not sure that you can,

because if your script

is any kind of guide,

it could be said that any interest

you have in me

is just a misplaced attempt

to earn the attention

that you never received

from a remote father figure.

Jesus.

I mean, I don't mean to offend.

That's unbelievably insightful.

Well, it was very obvious

to me from your pages.

And, can I tell you what I think

is the most significant problem

with your otherwise very promising script?

Fine. OK, sure, tell me.

All right. So your father character is

rich, narcissistic, selfish, womanising...

Yeah, I know. Too unlikeable.

No, no, no, I loved him. He's fantastic.

You loved him? That's perverse.

Well, he's an incredibly

well-drawn character.

The problem is with the daughter,

she's sort of paper-thin, you know?

She's a good daughter,

she's a good student.

There's no flaws,

nothing needs to be fixed.

So? The father needs to be fixed.

Which is what makes him

an interesting character.

And in reaction to that, I think

that maybe the daughter should be...

Libidinous, spoiled, sexually manipulative,

you know, more like...

So many interesting characters.

Like me? You were going to say me.

- Not at all.

- You were looking right at me.

I was looking in that direction.

Karen, Karen.

Listen, listen. I did not mean you.

I did not mean you

and I really do think that your script

has enormous potential.

And I really do think

you should go f*** yourself.

Oh, and bring my weed in.

I left it your house.

Because after this relationship,

I really need to get baked.

Office hours.

There's nothing like one-on-one time

with a student, is there?

How are you today?

Hey, are you OK, buddy?

I'm not sure.

Maybe I should go home

and eat the rest of Karen's pot.

I know what you need.

Right?

Incredible.

All we need is a good wine

and this is Paris.

Well, since my four daughters

and my wife became vegetarians,

I'm not allowed to have any meat

in the house, so,

I'm going to get some pork Spiedies

to go and store them in my office.

- That's a little bit sad, isn't it?

- What?

Well, you know,

being henpecked to death like that.

Are you kidding me?

He's the happiest guy I know.

At faculty meetings, we bet on how long

it will take him to cry

when he talks about his family.

Twenty-five seconds is the record.

Seriously? Dr Lerner?

I'm telling you. In a perfect world,

I should be that happy.

I started seeing this woman, Joan.

She's an insurance agent

with State Farm.

She specialises in collision.

Don't let her go.

I'm trying not to.

What's the secret?

You're asking me?

I've been divorced for 10 years

and you just caught me in the hall

being severely berated

by an undergraduate.

I don't know, my only thought

is that you be yourself.

- No, that's not going to work.

- No, you're obviously right.

But in an ideal world,

that's what you hope for, isn't it?

That you find someone

you can be yourself with, you know?

Some smart, funny woman

full of fire and honesty,

who looks great dancing barefoot

and can obviously

see straight through you.

Why barefoot?

I enjoy feet.

Hey.

So, Harold, you don't happen to have

any pictures of your family, do you?

Oh, I don't know, maybe. I might.

A-ha, Look at that.

My wife, Helen.

And that's Kate, Rosalind, Olivia

and the little one is Beatrice.

That Beatrice.

She's got a mischievous glint

in her eye, doesn't she?

Yeah. Unbelievable.

I forgot napkins.

OK, 33 seconds. Solid time.

So, this is funny.

It's engaging.

My only thing is I'm just a

little confused about Jack,

this conservative, older banker

who is now dating Peggy.

Oh, what's wrong with him?

Well, he's a bit dull

for Peggy, isn't he?

No, Jack's steady.

He's from Peggy's hometown.

He'd be a great stepfather.

Yeah, but Peggy doesn't love Jack.

Maybe not, but Peggy can learn to.

Yes, of course,

if Peggy puts her mind to it.

Stupid of me, yes.

And, you know,

Jerry's not such a bad egg.

Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop.

Who's Jerry?

Does Jack know about Jerry?

No. Jack is Jerry.

- Jack is Jerry.

- Jack is Jerry.

Oh, so Jerry is a man you are seeing.

Yes. And that's why the character

should work.

Because I'm writing from real life.

I'm writing what I know.

Isn't that what you're supposed to do?

Not at all, no, no. That's absurd.

I mean, for a start, what if you're like

me, what if you don't know anything?

But, you're writing your Matt Damon movie

about being a teacher now

and you wrote about your son

and that worked out.

Yeah, that's debatable seeing as we

haven't actually spoken in over a year.

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