The Rise & Fall of a White Collar Hooligan Page #4

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What the f***?

Can you believe this sh*t?

You stealing from us?

Piece of f***ing junk.

F***ing stealing?

F***ing stupid f***ing c*nt.

All right, mate, all right! He's done!

Ed, he's done! He's done, mate!

F***ing hell.

[Mike] It was plain to see

that people shouldn't get too greedy.

F***.

Every now and then,

Eddie fancied a change of venue.

We'd do jobs all over the country,

but we also went international.

Boys, good to see you busy.

F***ing hell, boys.

A bottle of wine, double bed.

- A bit suspect, innit?

- Not the only thing that's suspect.

I can smell f***ing weed

halfway down the corridor.

What are you trying to do,

draw attention to us?

Topbeef, bag the rest of that up

and we'll go and see the money mover.

In fact, you won't. You're gonna go and

get us tickets for the match tonight.

- Good seats.

- You got it.

Guys, what if somebody from housekeeping

sees all these cards and cash?

No one comes in here, mate, I promise.

Nobody from housekeeping came in.

Look at the f***ing state of the place.

We're trying to keep a low profile,

which is...

[phone rings]

Who has this room number? Topbeef,

have you given the number to anyone?

- F*** off.

- [ringing continues]

Hello?

Have one of you c*nts

ordered room service?

- No.

- No.

Have one of you c*nts

ordered room service?

- Yes.

- Yes.

And where's room service gonna get

delivered to? Oh, yeah, to your room.

They're not hungry.

F***ing get it together, guys.

Get this place cleaned up. Get your

cards done in two hours when we're back.

- Jamie, don't let him smoke anything.

- I won't.

You're not my f***ing parents

I smoke what I f***ing want.

I am your f***ing dad

I f***ed your mum 18 years ago

and now look at the problem I've got

And don't get pinched.

[Mike] You can't just walk

a bag of cash through customs.

On jobs abroad,

Eddie always used a local money mover.

Drop the cash with him,

and his mate back in the UK gives you

the same amount minus his 10% fee.

It may be a little costly, but it was

worth the price to keep things flowing.

- What, you not staying?

- I'm not staying. I'm the supervisor.

I can't stay around watching you

learn to suck cock all my life.

I'm only here for the f***ing football,

to be honest. Oh, which reminds me.

If we've got sh*t tickets, dude,

when I gave you a bunch load of money,

with money-no-object rules

attached to it...

I don't wanna be sitting in a wheelchair

pit or f***ing behind a pillar

or right up at the f***ing back...

Ed, I've got something

to tell you, mate.

- What?

- I could only get one.

- One what?

- One ticket.

I sent you to a ticket tout.

The geezer you hooked me up with,

he said he can only get one.

He said they were like gold dust.

- You got one ticket to the match?

- Yes. The geezer you set me up with...

- You probably went too late.

- Listen, don't get pissy about it.

- Of course it's gold dust!

- It's not gonna make a ticket appear!

- Are you done?

- Yes, I'm done.

- Can I have my ticket, please?

- Right, and how does that work?

Because I gave you a bunch of money

to get two tickets, you get...

It works because I'm your boss.

Give me the ticket.

Listen, this is f***ing football.

It's not work, right?

- Don't pull rank on me.

- I'm not... Right, OK.

- We will flip for it

- What?

We're gonna flip for it.

Flip, flip. Get a coin. We'll flip.

Let me teach you one of life's lessons.

Fate isn't gonna be on your side today.

- Fine. Heads or tails?

- Heads.

- F*** you!

- Pow!

Now, get me my f***ing credit cards.

Bet you wish you were

at that f***ing football match.

Would you please f*** off? Don't you

have something better to be doing?

- Been doing it.

- You done already?

Yep. There you go.

- Oh, marvellous.

- And there... are the used ones.

- You'll be wanting some more, then.

- Could do with a beer, I tell you.

- Well, take this lot.

- F***ing hell.

- Look at this. Amateur hour.

- Don't get the f***ing hump with me.

I mean it. You can do that with Mike

Don't do that with me.

I'm your f***ing supervisor.

Pick up the f***ing cards.

When you get back to the hotel, you're

gonna sort out which ones are done.

For f***'s sake. Just run

some interference, for f***'s sake

- All right, boys? What's happening?

- [speak French]

Don't you f***ing look lovely

in your little blue suits, eh?

[speak French]

In fact, ask them what the f***ing score

is on the football match I should be at.

Do you know

the football score for tonight?

- Eddie, mate, f***ing hurry up.

- Five more seconds.

I can't understand a f***ing word

you boys are saying, mate.

Don't f***ing touch,

you f***ing French little ponce.

- I've got it. Go, go.

- Bollocks.

[siren wails]

F***.

- That was f***ing close.

- That was too f***ing close.

- Did you see his face?

- Those f***ing gendarmes, mate.

They can f***ing move, can't they?

- F***. I dropped the f***ing bag.

- Forget it, mate. Forget the bag.

I can't forget the bag. It's got a

f***ing sh*t load of cards and cash.

- I'll go and call the boss.

- No, f*** the boss.

We'll go back to the hotel,

pick up some more cards...

Let me make a call.

F***. Don't call the boss.

- The key card.

- What?

- The hotel key card.

- I gave it to you.

- I know you did. I put it in the bag.

- Don't tell me you put it in the bag.

I put the card in the f***ing bag.

It's in the f***ing bag.

- What the f*** is the matter with you?

- F***.

Jesus f***ing Christ.

Call Dan and Jamie

and tell them to get out the hotel.

Tell them to go back to London.

I don't f***ing care how.

- Hello, Jamie.

- Get back to London.

Yeah, listen, mate.

It's... It's Topbeef here, son.

We've got a bit of a situation, mate.

Cool, cool. OK.

Police could be on their way, mate.

- Get the f*** out of here.

- Sh*t.

[loud cheering]

Mike. Call me when you leave the game.

Don't go back to the hotel.

F***. F***.

- Have you got your passport?

- Yeah.

It's time to f***ing get out of here.

Come on, come on. Go.

Police!

F***!

And that's how I ended up sentenced

to 18 months in a French prison.

F*** off! It's the middle of the night!

[man] You have a visitor.

All right.

Cinq minutes.

Hi.

Hi.

- I wasn't expecting to see you

- I bet.

I assume the platinum blondes

haven't visited?

No. No one has.

Eddie came to visit me.

He said they were taking care of you

as much as they could.

Said I shouldn't worry about you.

- Did it help?

- Not really.

At that point I had no idea you were

doing 18 months in a French prison.

I thought you were on holiday

or something, spending your new wealth.

So, yeah, I did get worried.

Yeah, well, don't.

They're sending me stuff.

I'm sure they're keeping you happy with

everything you need to get through this.

But are they gonna look after you

when you get out?

- They have been so far.

- They are the reason you are in here.

You could be out tomorrow

if you just tell the police...

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