The Sasquatch Gang Page #6

---

with crazy Ted. #

# he's always jumpin'

on my head, #

# but, mmm, I love onions. #

# onions, onions,

la, la, la. #

# onions, onions,

ha, ha, ha. #

# root doot doot-doot,

doot doot-doot. #

# onions, onions,

la, la, la. #

# onions, onions,

ha, ha, ha. #

# root doot doot-doot,

doot doot-doot. #

Yeah, well, next time

I'll bring enough money

so we can play two games.

Well, did you guys know

that in, like, ten years

they're gonna make laser tag

into an Olympic sport?

Yeah?

Yeah, sweet, huh?

Oh, no,

my mom's gonna kill me.

Sophie, don't.

Wait.

What is it?

I think we're screwed.

I think they're gone.

You okay?

No, my man boob stings.

I think it's swelling up,

and I got shot twice

in the boodniks.

Let me see.

No!

This is all your fault anyway.

I wish I wouldn't

have even come tonight.

What?

You should have let me stay home

and watch TV like I wanted.

Now I got all shot up

because of you.

Well, I didn't know

this was gonna happen.

Screw you

and your fat girlfriend too.

Wait.

What's the total?

325 bucks.

Yes! How many bids

we got so far?

Dude, this is awesome, man.

Hey, Lance,

you coming to dinner?

Okay.

Oh, Mr. Jokem, could I see

that newspaper for a sec?

Yeah, why not?

I only pay the bills

around here.

Thank you.

This is crazy.

Dude, can you

turn around, please?

Crap!

"Famed Bigfoot Researcher

To Come To Clackanomah County.

"The Clackanomah

Sasquatch sighting

"has drawn some attention

from the scientific community,

as Dr. Artimus Snodgrass"--

And there's a picture of him.

"famed Sasquatch researcher,

will be arriving tomorrow

"to verify

if the footprints and scat

"found near Deer Cliff Falls

are indeed

from the leg-endary bigfoot."

Crap!

Crap.

This sucks, dude.

What are we gonna do

about this guy?

I don't know, dude.

I'll think

of something, though.

Okay, I'm gonna go eat now.

You can either stay here

if you want,

or I can come by later.

My mom says you can't eat

any of our food anymore.

What are you guys having?

Hot dogs and cheetos.

Crap!

All right,

I'll see you later.

Bye.

Amen.

Here you go, Squirts.

Hey, Grandma Lloyd,

is Hobie there?

Oh.

Okay, well, then just tell him

that I called.

Okay, bye.

Hey, is Sophie here?

She's not home right now.

Well, actually,

could you, um,

give her this for me?

Okay.

It's a list of all the movies

in my video collection.

Tell her she can borrow

any one she wants

free of charge.

Okay.

And one more thing.

Tell her that they're wrong.

She looks great

just the way she is.

Who's wrong?

She'll know

what I'm talking about.

Okay, I'll tell her.

Good-bye.

Sophie, honey.

He left a message for you.

That's when I realized

it was a dude.

What the crap is going on?

That kid just totally

wiped out on his bike.

That kid's, like,

an extreme nerd.

It's a wussy-looking bike.

What's going on with his leg?

Hey, how'd you get that welt

on your leg, dude?

Some jerks shot me

with paintballs.

That's awesome.

You beat them up?

No, they ran away.

All right, well, why didn't you

go to their house,

wait for them to come out,

and beat the crap out of them?

Doy!

I don't know.

I know.

It's 'cause you're a total wuss.

Why should I listen

to you guys?

I mean, that guy

doesn't even have a shirt on.

Yeah, well, I'm rubber

and you're glue.

Whatever says...bounces.

Yeah, yeah, I got this, dude.

Don't even try.

You know what

your problem is, Gavin?

You're all talk, man.

Let me tell you something.

Every once in a while,

You got stand up

for yourself.

This isn't Canada,

my friend, all right?

This is America.

In this country, some kids shoot

you with paintballs,

you got a constitutional right

to knock them out.

And if you don't exercise

that basic freedom,

you're gonna grow up

to be a total Q hole.

What's a Q hole?

Why don't you look

in the mirror?

You hear that?

Up top.

Oh--oh.

Dude, what are you

doing, man?

Why you got to be holding

a corn dog

When I go for a high five?

I'm making a point

to the kid.

Now I'm the one that looks

like a total Q hole.

It was really hot,

and I was letting it air out.

You guys are just stupid.

You know there's--

crap off.

Ah, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I was hot on the heels

of the Chupacabra

in Chihuahua, Mexico.

But when I was contacted

about you Sasquatch sighting,

I came straightaway.

I have investigated

many Sasquatch sightings

and exposed

my share of hoaxes.

Dude, bring it in.

Bring it in.

Do you realize

if he says it's a hoax,

our sales are boned.

Well, maybe we should

just destroy the evidence.

It's been

in the newspaper already.

Shirts,

you're a dang genius.

Come on, let's go spread

the bird's wings

and fly out of here.

Caw!

# I need to go outer space

for a while. #

# let's take a chosen few. #

# we'll have

a real good view, #

# 1 million miles up-- #

# escape from earth. #

# escape from earth. #

# escape from earth. #

What the...

Dear Diary,

What do you do

when your best friend

betrays you?

I know; There's no easy answer,

is there?

I guess

it all started one day

When he first took her

on a date.

She was

a terrible swordswoman,

not even worthy

of wielding excalibur.

But I must admit,

there were things

I admired about her myself.

It was as though

she had an inner power

to kick butt in a way

I'd never seen in any girl

since Wonder Woman.

Get of me!

His noodies

must have hurt for days.

Yeah.

But I guess that admiration

wasn't mutual.

Maybe we could watch it

together sometime.

I don't think so.

I don't like

spending my time

with disgusting fat bodies.

Why do you think

I got my jaw wired shut?

So I wouldn't

have to be one anymore

and be doomed to live a life

with people like you.

That will be a dollar.

But the main change

was in my best friend:

Our friendship became secondary

to his selfish egoism.

So which one of you kids

found this?

It was me.

Oh, Gavin,

you're my hero.

Go for the gold, Gavin.

Fat people suck.

Claiming he found

the Sasquatch tracks

when I was the one

who fell on them.

And I distinctly remember

that I recognized it

as the Sasquatch first.

The Sasquatch.

He was on "sss"

when I was

already on "asquatch."

The Sasquatch.

He didn't even mention me

when the journalist

asked me about the tracks.

He just kept saying,

"we, we, we, we."

So just tell me what happened

in your own words.

Well, I've always been

pretty clumsy walking around.

We thought that a trip

to Deer Cliff Falls

would be a great way

to spend a summer day.

And on the way,

we ran right into these tracks,

isn't that right, Hobie?

And that wasn't

the only time he interrupted me.

Officer,

we'd like to file--

We were on the trail

to Deer Cliff Falls today

and we found

a number of large tracks.

We think it's bigfoot.

I'm get so tired

of people always interup--

Hobie.

Yes, Grandma?

MASH is on.

You want to watch?

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