The Secret Lives of Dorks Page #6

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It's Called A Reach-Over.

A Reach-Around's A Completely

Different Thing.

Oh.

Maybe You'll Show Me That Later?

No.

Women Are Like Any Great

Football Play -- They're Hard

To Read.

So The Key Is To Stay Focused,

And Don't Get Distracted By

Their Footballs, If You Know

What I Mean.

[ Chuckles ]

I Know What You Mean, Coach.

If You're Talking To A Woman

And You Feel The Urge To Look

At Those Distractions, Just

Look Down At Your Watch And

Regain Focus.

Hello, Miss Stewart.

Wait.

No Way Payton's Out This Late.

Okay.

Okay, 10 Minutes To Drive To

Samantha's House...

10 Minutes 'Cause She's Not

Ready Yet...

15 To The Restaurant...

A Hour For Dinner -- No.

Hour And A Half Because Kids Get

Sucky Service...

10 To Drive Samantha Home...

5 Minutes For That Awkward

Moment In The Car...

10 Seconds For The Kiss...

A Minute Of Stalling, Waiting

For The Woody To Go Down, And He

Gets Out Of The Car And Walks

Her To The Door...

Wait.

What If It's A Good Kiss?

What If It's A Couple Kisses?

What If He Gets A Feel?

That Doesn't Add Up.

Ah, Sh*t!

Time To Call In Special Teams.

[ Speed-DIALING ]

There You Go. Enjoy.

I Took The Initiative Of

Ordering For Both Of Us,

Since...You Were So Busy Talking

To Carrie.

Oh, Yeah.

Isn't She Awesome?

Oh, Yeah!

Oh, Baby

Gimme That Sexy

Yeah

Yeah.

I'm So Hungry.

I Ordered Us Both The Same

Thing -- Grilled Patty Melts, My

Favorite.

[ Muffled ] Mmm!

This Is So Good!

I've Never Had This Before.

[ Muffled ] It's The Grilled

Onions.

It Gives It That Kick.

[ Coughs ]

[ Spits ]

Did -- Did You Just Say

"Onions"?

Grilled Onions -- Lots Of

Them.

Uh-Oh.

What's Wrong?

I'm Allergic To Onions.

[ Stomach Gurgling ]

Wow.

Uh-Oh.

That Must Suck.

I Can't Imagine Not Being Able

To Eat Onions.

I Mean, I Put Them On

Everything.

So, Like, What Happens When You

Eat A Lot?

Do You, Like, Sneeze?

'Cause When I Eat Too Many

Tomatoes, I Sneeze All Day.

Ew! Gross!

Thanks For Driving.

I Have To Admit, That Was The

Most Impressive Display Of

Projectile Vomiting I Have Ever

Seen, Including "The Exorcist,"

And I Have Seen My Share Of

Projectile Vomiting.

I Actually Keep A Journal Of It.

You Keep A Journal, Too?

No.

Oh.

I Just Want To Apologize For

Everything That Happened

Tonight.

You Don't Have To Apologize.

Yes, I Do.

I'm Sorry For Taking You To A

Male Strip Club...

And Knocking You Over And

Parading You Around The Diner

With A Dirty Butt...

And Vomiting On You...

And Talking About Your Breasts

In Front Of Your Parents.

Don't Forget You Copped A

Feel In Front Of Them, Too.

They'll Never Forget That.

Tonight...Was An Unmitigated

Disaster, But...

Well, Look At It This Way --

Our -- Our Second Date Has To Be

Better, Right?

[ Engine Sputtering ]

[ Groans ]

Out Of Gas. Nice Try, Payton.

[ Car Horn Honking ]

Damn It!

I Think My Dad Reported The Car

Stolen To Lojack Again.

Lojack Costs Twice As Much

As This Car's Blue Book Value.

We Just Have To Wait Until

The Cops Show Up, And Then

They'll Call It In As Not

Stolen.

[ Laughs ]

Perfect Ending To The World's

Worst Date.

What Else Could Go Wrong?

Actually, If A Truck Driver

Trying To Make It Cross-Country

Found Out That The Woman He's In

Love With On The Internet Was

Actually A Pimply Faced

16-Year-Old Boy, So He Loads Up

On A Mixture Of Nodoz And

Jack Daniel's, Causing Him To

Temporarily Lose Control Of His

Big Rig, Which Forces Him To

Swerve Into Our Lane, Which

Forces Me To Swerve Into The

Guardrail, Then Through It, Onto

A Cliff As The Car Tumbles End

Over End, Lands Upside Down,

Crushes Us, Catches On Fire, And

We Slowly Bleed And Burn To

Death At The Same Time.

Wow.

[ Police Siren Chirps ]

Put Your Hands On The Wheel

And Do Not Move.

[ Helicopter Blades Whirring ]

[ Tires Screech ]

[ Both Sigh ]

I Didn't Know You Were

Wanted.

I'm So, So Sorry.

[ Sighs ]

Stop Apologizing.

There's No Way You Could Have

Known, And Besides, It's Just A

Court Appearance.

It's Not My First.

You Were Really The One Who

Superglued Mr. Acker's Finger

To His Forehead During Assembly?

That Is So Awesome.

[ Chuckles ]

You're Pretty Cool Yourself.

Not Tonight I Wasn't.

That's What I Like About You.

You're A Dork.

A Loveable Dork.

You're Payton -- Dork!

You Don't Try To Be Cool.

You're Just...You.

That Makes You Cooler Than

Anybody Else.

Well, Not As Cool As Clark.

I Mean, He Does Have The Hottest

Babe In The World.

I Give Up.

[ Seat Belt Clicks ]

Thank You For The Interesting

Night.

I Will Never Forget It.

Okay.

Good Night, Payton.

Good Night.

[ Car Door Closes ]

Whoa.

That Girl's Intense.

I Need Details.

Did You Kiss Her Good Night?

Kind Of.

Okay, It's A "Did Or Didn't"

Situation.

It's Like You Can't Be Kind Of

Pregnant.

Oh, No, She's Not Pregnant.

That Would Be Impossible.

Did You Kiss Her Or Not?

She Kissed Me.

[ Sighs ]

You're Hopeless.

I Wouldn't Be Surprised If She

Didn't Want To See You.

Oh, No.

She Wants To See Me Again.

Really?

Why?

Probably 'Cause I'm A Pretty

Good Kisser.

[ Laughs ]

No, Seriously -- Why?

No, Seriously.

I'm --

I'm A Pretty Good Kisser.

Yeah?

Uh...Wow.

Hi.

Is There, Uh...

[ Clears Throat ]

...Something You Need?

Um...

Oh!

I Was, Um, Thinking Of

Watching The Game Again This

Next Sunday And Was Wondering If

You Had Any Recommendations...

For A Good Place To Watch The

Game...Like...

Um...

...Someplace Fun...

You Know What?

Mm-Hmm?

I'm Gonna Be Watching The

Bears Game With My Kids.

Great.

And You...

Mm-Hmm?

...You Could Probably...

Find A Great Sports Bar In The

Neighborhood.

Uh, Stevie B's Has Hd, Huge

Screen.

You'll Love It.

And They Got Great Ribs There.

U-Uh...Stevie B's?

I Don't Really Know --

Oh, It's A Great Place.

Go, Bears!

Go, Bears.

Go, Bears.

Sports BAR...

Hey, Girls.

Carrie! Hey!

Together:
We've Got Spirit!

Yes, We Do!

We've Got Spirit!

How 'Bout You?!

[ Giggles ]

Awesome.

Get Lots Of Sign-Ups, Okay?

Yeah, Definitely!

[ Toilet Flushes ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

Pawn To Rook 4!

Pawn To Rook 4!

Where Were You?

I Was Behind The School.

What Were You Doing There?

Nothing.

Don't Touch My Balls.

Or My Hair.

Or My Hair!

I Can't Believe You Copped A

Feel On The First Date.

W-Were They Pointy?

Pink? Brown?

Round?

Can You See What's Around

Him?

That's Protection.

[ Sighs ]

It's A Thing Of Beauty.

Now If They Could Just Win A

Damn Game.

Could You Imagine, Like,

Spider-Man's Agility And

Quickness And All That Stuff Put

In Bruce Wayne -- Batman?

It'd Be Like The Ultimate...

Ultimate Superhero Of All Time.

It'd Be Pretty Cool.

Totally.

Oh!

One Too Many Vanilla Cokes,

Babe.

I Got To Pee.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Cellphone Vibrating ]

Rolling Hills Dragons Rule!

Waaaahooooow!!

[ Gasps ]

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Giggling ]

Hey, Carrie.

Guess What -- I Have Another

Date Tonight With Samantha.

I'm Gonna Follow All Your

Advice -- Always Open The Door

For Her And...

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