The Shaggy Dog Page #5

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We can't see what you saw?

Do we need special goggles?

Is this like a Bigfoot affair?

Objection! He's badgering the witness!

- Your Honor!

- I saw a monkey who acted like a dog!

[Courtroom laughing]

[Judge] Counselors, approach the bench.

[Dave sniffs]

[Judge] Get over here!

Don't you dare turn

my courtroom into a barnyard.

Get your chin off my desk.

- [Whimpers]

- Go on. Go on.

I assume you're going somewhere

with this line of questioning?

I'd like a treat first.

Yes, yes, I was. Thank you.

- [Judge] Proceed, counsel.

- [Dave] Thank you, Your Honor.

How did this monkey act like a dog?

It was growling and chasing its tail.

[Laughter]

[Dave] Was there anything else

that was genetically odd?

There was a snake

with a tail like a dog.

- [Laughter]

- [Gavel pounds]

And rats. Rats that barked.

- [Judge pounds gavel]

- [Forrester] It's true!

Look, it's true!

I'm... I'm not lying! I'm not crazy!

[Judge] Order! Order!

This dog that you saw,

what did it look like?

It was a big, woolly sheepdog.

- No further questions, Your Honor.

- Thank God.

- [Judge] Court adjourned.

- [Pounds gavel]

[Bell ringing]

Josh was one

of my best math students,

and then, all of a sudden... [whistles]

Bad grades.

And so we're just trying

to search out an explanation, really.

Well, I think the problem

is he's distracted by football.

Can I...? I think I know what the

problem... The problem, I think, is me.

I've been workin' too much.

This is what this is about.

I haven't been home. It's...

It's been causing a lot

of stress on my family.

[Teacher] Well, I know what it's like

to be too busy to do anything.

In fact, I didn't even get to eat lunch.

- Do you mind if I eat something?

- [Chuckles] Sure.

- [Dave] Go ahead.

- Thanks.

I realized this in court, actually.

Uh, last couple days the...

the amount that I was in...

[sniffing]

Can you smell that?

It is so smelly in a great way.

That is... [echoing] turkey...

- [lettuce crunching]

- [Echoing] Mmm.

Look at that. Ah, yeah.

- [Teacher] Do you want half?

- Hmm?

C'mon, please?

Uh, no. Well, no, wait, no.

No, we're here to talk about Josh.

Boy. Anyway,

I'm gonna commit myself to this.

There's nothing more

important than Josh.

Nothing more important to me... Nothing

more important to me than family.

- [Smacks lips]

- [Teacher] That's true.

Oh, that's great.

I love hearing that. [chuckles]

- As a teacher, I love to hear...

- [hisses]

- Honey?

- [Door closing, running]

[Stammers] I'm so sorry. [laughs]

I mean, he's really a wonderful father.

You know, we just have

a very normal lifestyle.

- Yeah, it just seems that way.

- [Cat yowling]

Very down-to-earth.

[ Baha Men:
Who Let The Dogs Out?]

- [Horn honks]

- [Tires screeching]

Whoa!

[Panting]

Oh! Ohh!

Oh! Oh!

Now this is why I come here.

Toning up all day long just for me.

[Laughing] That's why they

call them trophy wives.

- Aaah!

- [Tires screeching]

[Truck horn blaring]

[Panting]

[Yowling]

[Dave] I got ya now. [panting, groans]

Come here! [grunts]

[Panting] Now I gotcha.

- [Cat yowls]

- Oh!

- [Panting]

- [Heartbeat accelerates]

Aw, nuts!

- [Cat meows]

- What?

[Yowls]

Well, if ya didn't do anything wrong,

why were you running?

[Laughs] Serves you right...

[grunts] Oh!

Gotcha.

This is just not my week.

[Whimpers]

I think we've got it.

This rabbit was injected

with the serum two days ago.

[Kozak] Uh-huh.

So far cell degeneration

has ceased with no side effects.

- You're sure?

- I'm sure.

Are you absolutely, entirely certain?

Absolutely.

- I've done it.

- Um, we've done it.

I've done it! [laughs]

I'm gonna call Strictland.

I bet he's gonna want an injection

of this stuff right away.

Can we do that? Isn't there an FDA?

The man's got one lung and

someone else's kidney. He'll risk it.

Gwen, I want you to manufacture

as much serum as you can.

Don't worry about the FDA.

It's nothing money can't handle.

[Laughing]

[Dogs barking]

- That's him.

- [Dave] Kids! Am I glad to see you.

This mastiff just sold me

for three biscuits.

Where you been? We've been

lookin' all over for you, boy.

I've been waitin' for you guys

to come get me outta here.

[Josh] Let's go.

I got a football game to go to.

[Dave] There's a game today? Wow!

I... I get to watch you play.

That'll be great.

[Crowd cheering]

[Crowd cheering]

- Get him!

- C'mon.

- Hit him! Hit him!

- [Referee blows whistle]

[Man] That's the way to hit somebody,

Jenkins. Way to go.

[Dave barking]

[Dave] Hey, coach,

would ya put my kid in?

We waited all game for this.

Douglas!

You're in at tailback.

[Players laughing]

It's OK, coach.

You don't have to play me.

- [Dave] What?

- Everybody plays, Douglas. Come on.

But with the game

on the line and all...

We're up by 30. Now let's go.

- [Woman] C'mon, buddy!

- All right.

[Dave] Get in. Come on.

Come on, buddy. Get in there. C'mon.

[Grunts] Oh! Sorry, coach.

That's what I gotta deal with.

[Dave] Show 'em what you can do.

The other team's afraid. I can smell it!

And a hot dog. And a poodle.

[Boy 1] I run. Twenty-four dive, I run.

- Ready? Break!

- Break!

- [Boy 2] All right!

- Where...? I go...?

What the...?

[Coach] Douglas! Tailback!

Tail...! Behind the fullback!

Back up! Back up! Back up!

Back! Back, back, back,

back, back! Right there!

- Stay right there!

- [Quarterback calls play]

Set! Hut!

- [Boys] Block him!

- Here it comes!

[Coach] You got the ball! Run! Run!

Whoa!

- [Grunts]

- [Crowd groans]

- Ooh!

- Ow!

- [Blowing whistle]

- [Dave] Man! That's gotta hurt.

- [Sighs]

- [Coach] Hustle!

[Dave] Attaboy, Josh.

Come on! Shake it off.

Pain is just fear

leavin' your body, buddy.

You completely suck, Douglas.

Why do you even show up?

Everybody thinks you're a loser.

[Barks, growls]

Thanks, pal.

Wish I could buy you an ice cream.

But I've got paws

and, uh, don't have a wallet,

because I'm actually nude right now.

[Tracy] Football?

That's why you're not trying out?

[Chuckles] You hate football!

[Josh] Shh! I know, but my dad loves it.

You should hear him. "Ah, you're

gonna be just like your old man."

If I told him I wanted

to do a musical instead,

he'd, like, write me off as a son.

[Dave] Aw, Josh.

Josh, is your father a stupid man?

No. But he is clueless,

- which, in some ways, is better.

- [Dave] Oh, boy.

See, he told me I could only

play if I keep my grades up.

So I started flunking math.

But he only let me off with a warning.

So now I gotta flunk English

and maybe history and home ec,

which is actually really hard to fail.

[Dave] Aww, no, Josh.

So you'd rather wreck your future

than tell your dad you hate football?

I can get my grades back up,

as long as he makes me quit in time.

[Scoffs] Wow.

Men are so complicated.

- Come on.

- [Dave] How did I let this happen?

[Stammers] What kind of a father am I?

[Carly] So? What do you think

of the new pamphlet?

[Trey] It's infuriating.

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