The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw Page #3

They don't go nowhere with me.

I do beg your pardon, ma'am.

- I'm a little bit confused.

KATE:
All right.

You've had your laugh,

now don't press your luck.

Here's your key.

It's number six upstairs.

The rules are posted on the wall.

Read them, mister,

and read them carefully.

And remember them if you wanna

stay out of trouble with me.

JONATHAN:

Ah, thank you, follow me.

Number six, my room.

[MEN LAUGH AND CHATTER]

MAN:

I bet I can drink more than you can.

[SNORES]

[BAND PLAYS MUSIC]

[MEN WHOOP AND CHEER]

[SINGS]

[CHEERING]

GUARD:

Stay back, you scoundrels!

Stay back, you varmints!

- Whiskey.

- Right.

Hello, Cora.

How about coming to the ranch

and roughing it...

...for a couple days

with Keeno and me?

- No dice.

- All right.

Come to the table

and have a drink with us right now.

I'm waiting for Johnny.

Keeno ain't gonna like this.

So?

Hey, Cora.

How about spending

a little time with me?

No, Johnny, please.

Why wear a gun?

You're safe behind

a woman's skirts.

Cut it now or I'll break

a chair over both your heads.

- Forget it, honey.

- Thanks, Kate.

For what? Every time

there's a shooting...

...I gotta order new glassware.

If you wanna kill a man over a girl,

do it on your own time.

You can fire me any time you want.

Sure I can.

Until I do,

I'd rather have you alive than dead.

MAN 1:
Hey, Joe, can we deal you in?

MAN 2:
What you say, there?

And there's the reason.

MAN 3:
Hello, pardner.

MAN 4:
Hi, Bill, how are you, pardner?

Want me to take him now?

- Not just yet.

- Oh, I beg your pardon, young lady.

Name's Kate if you're talking to me.

I'd just as soon you weren't.

I seem to have got off

on the wrong foot, and I am sorry.

Don't let it break you up.

However, I would like to register

a complaint. My room, you know.

Now, that's just what I've been

sitting up nights worrying about.

I don't want you to regard this

as a personal failure.

But there's such a devil

of a racket here...

...it's impossible to sleep.

No doubt you could switch me

to a quieter spot.

There's one quieter spot

in Fractured Jaw, and that's Boot Hill.

- And I think you'll wind up there.

- Oh, thank you so much.

Perhaps that porter chap could deliver

my luggage in the morning.

You must think you're

a real funny fellow, don't you?

Well, you think so.

I've never been called that before.

You're liable to get called

a lot of things...

...you ain't never been called before.

And by me.

From your tone I gather we're having

a spot of language difficulty.

Your difficulties with me

haven't even started.

MAN:

How about a song, Kate?

High-spirited, isn't she?

Mister, you better mean that

real nice...

...or you're gonna have 40 cowpunchers

jamming their boots down your throat.

- You can figure on mine too.

- Don't misunderstand me...

...I wouldn't say

anything uncomplimentary.

When her uncle,

Two-Gun Billings, cashed in...

...and left this place to Kate...

...a couple of hombres tried

to put their brand on her.

They finished up

at the best necktie party...

...Fractured Jaw ever seen.

Oh, well, I'm a stranger here.

I'm not familiar with your local customs

or the type of parties you have.

Say something against Kate,

and you'll learn all about them.

So long as you're filling up space

at the bar, are you drinking?

Don't seem to be, do I?

A glass of sherry, please.

Oh, very dry.

Mister, we got whiskey,

and we got water.

We don't serve water.

That doesn't offer me much choice,

does it?

Nothing, thank you.

You know about that feller?

Only what the stage driver told me.

You're the mayor of this town,

you ought to find out...

...when a new gun

is gonna make trouble.

That's the sheriff's job, not mine.

Since you ain't got no sheriff,

it's your job now.

All you gotta do is go over

and ask him if he's Lazy S.

- Suppose he don't wanna tell me?

- We made a deal.

Box T in town three days a week,

Lazy S three days, and Sunday quiet.

He's Lazy S,

he's got no business here today.

He just got off the coach.

I got a right to know, Masters.

If he's Lazy S, the next time

we find him in town on our day...

...there'll be shooting.

Well, I'll try to find out.

But don't you start nothing,

you hear me?

- Howdy, stranger.

- How do you do?

- Tibbs is my name.

- Masters is my name.

I'm the mayor of this here town.

I also run the general emporium.

That is, six days a week.

And on the seventh...

...I preach the Holy Gospel.

- Glad to meet you, sir.

- Yeah.

This here's a friendly town, mister,

and we don't ask no questions.

No, sir,

from what I've encountered...

...you'd only be confused

by the answers.

Of course, if a man don't mind

telling us what his business is, we...

Oh, not at all.

I'm in the gun business.

Yeah. Gun bu... Yeah.

You're heading for the Lazy S,

I suppose.

Yes, sir. I intend to call on them

tomorrow morning.

Well, just remember,

I didn't ask no questions.

- It's perfectly all right.

- You didn't have to give no answers.

I hope you enjoy your stay

in Fractured Jaw...

...and just remember

that we don't take sides here.

Me in particular.

Very particular.

Lazy S gunslinger, all right.

That's what I figured.

He's going out there tomorrow.

So don't you start no trouble

in town today. Hear me?

You know I won't start

no trouble.

Anyway, I'm shoving out

of here right now.

Wait till I'm gone

so I'm not mixed up in it.

Then take him.

[BANGING]

[BAND PLAYS MUSIC]

[SINGS]

[ALL SING ALONG]

[CHEERING]

I say, she's magnificent, isn't she?

MAN 1:

What's the matter, Kate, we're raring.

Waiter, can you manage

a pot of tea and a chicken sandwich?

No, we ain't got none.

MAN 2:
I ain't seen you in weeks.

Where you been?

MAN 3:

What do you know?

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

How do you like

our little nightingale?

Oh, Miss Kate?

Oh, absolutely first-class.

- Then you'll drink to her.

- Oh, all right.

Well, that's extremely kind of you.

Thank you very much.

Good health.

And to Miss Kate, eh?

[COUGHS]

No, really.

- Drink it.

- No, really, old boy.

I said, drink it.

[COUGHS]

I say, I really couldn't.

Really, old boy.

Are you telling me

you won't drink with me?

- No, not at all, but you know, well...

- Drink it.

At night, and on an empty stomach...

- Drink it.

- Oh, yes.

Well, I must say

as I told our friend...

...I'm not familiar with the local customs

but this does seem a bit much.

Let's see how big a man

you really are.

Oh, you mean

it's a sort of contest?

May the best man win,

and all that sort of thing.

All right. I'm game.

You know, it's a funny thing,

but after the first one or two...

...it doesn't feel so much

like drinking a porcupine.

Or does it?

- Keep drinking.

- No, no, no, sir.

I insist, it's my turn.

There.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Oh, good heavens.

Barman, another glass

for my drinking friend here.

I insist, sir,

it's my turn to pay.

You can't abuse the laws

of hospitality.

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