The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw Page #5

- Well, obviously if he's a slinger.

- Well, go take it off him.

Maybe he ain't heard

we got us a sheriff now.

Oh, well, I'll advise him.

That's the least I can do.

Your pardon, gentlemen.

- So you're the new sheriff.

- New, indeed.

I heard you ain't allowing guns

in Fractured Jaw.

The ruling isn't mine,

I'm merely the custodian of the law.

You're gonna take away

a man's gun?

Let's just say a chap hands it over when

he's advised of the regulations, eh?

I heard about you,

so maybe you heard about me.

I'm Wilkins.

I come to have you take my gun.

Well, how do you do?

Tibbs is my name.

All right.

You got the drop on me this time.

But I'm coming back.

And next time, I won't be alone.

Mr. Bud, don't forget your gun.

There's no law against wearing it

if you're leaving town.

That's the stuff, sheriff.

It's remarkable, the effect this has.

See? How do you do?

That's the quickest draw I've seen

in 50 years.

Sheriff, the way

you handled that derringer...

...would make my old grandpappy

turn over in his grave.

I say, do you think so?

- It does work well, doesn't it?

- It sure does.

Say, how about you coming

into my office? I want to talk to you.

Oh, with pleasure.

Boys, I never thought

I'd live to see the day...

...when Bud Wilkins gives up his gun.

You sure are fast on the draw with

that gun, mister. How do you work it?

It's on a spring. And when

I straighten my arm, it pops out.

Well, it should pop out into my hand.

It must need some adjust... There.

Say, you know,

I'd like to have one of them.

To wear on my garter.

Great Scott. I say.

Of course, you could have mine,

but wearing it on that limb...

...you'd be obliged to pull the trigger

with your toe.

You let me worry about that.

How much you take for it?

I'd be honored if you'd

accept it as a gift.

- No. I couldn't take your gun.

- No, really, I've got others.

- This is just a sample.

- No, no.

- There we are.

- Well, thank you, thank you.

You know,

you're not a bad sort of fellow.

Well, you needn't worry about accidents.

It isn't loaded, of course.

What? You mean to tell me...

...you went up against Bud Wilkins

with an empty gun?

You think

I'd go around with a bullet in it?

The silly thing popped out in my hand.

I didn't mean to frighten Wilkins...

...although I imagine

it did have that effect.

Tell me, are you tired of living,

or just plain stupid?

Oh, now really, Miss Kate.

- Take it back.

- No, I wouldn't dream of it.

I made you a present.

Well, one of us must be crazy.

What happens

if some gunslinger draws on you?

Well, why should they?

I've no quarrel with anyone.

Only with the Lazy S, because

Wilkins will get them all riled up.

And with the Box T outfit, because

you got mixed up in Keeno's killing.

Oh, I do think you're exaggerating.

That chap Wilkins offered me

his gun before he saw the derringer.

And as for that poor fellow who got shot

last night, we were the best of friends...

...drinking together

and all that sort of thing.

I've seen some strange characters

in my time, but you take the prize.

You know, I've never met

anyone like you either.

I hope you won't mind if I say it,

but I find you simply enchanting.

Well, let's say

I find you different, anyway.

Well, that's a beginning, isn't it?

Say, what are you doing

in Fractured Jaw?

I represent the firm of Tibbs & Company,

gunsmiths, St. James's, London.

I'm here to sell firearms.

At least you should know

how to handle a gun.

That could keep you alive

for a little while.

Hm.

Well, I don't see why skill with a gun

should be so frightfully important.

But if it is to you,

I suppose I could learn.

- Tibbs, I just decided something.

- Oh?

I'm gonna teach you to shoot.

It won't do any good, but at least I

won't be blaming myself at your funeral.

Now, listen to me

and try to understand.

I wouldn't give two cents

for your chances...

...of living to be one day older

than you are right now.

But I always had a soft spot in my heart

for a barefoot tenderfoot.

So I'll do what I can to help you.

I never thought I'd appreciate

being taught how to handle a gun.

- But it's wonderful of you to offer.

- I'm not asking for your thanks.

Personally, I think I'm weak in the head

to even bother. Now, come on.

- Shall I bring one of my own guns?

- No.

- Is there a target range nearby?

- Lf there was, we wouldn't use it.

Nobody should know you can't shoot or

you won't live long enough for a lesson.

- Can you ride?

- I don't know, I've never really tried.

But I can handle a pair of horses.

If it's any help, I asked that porter

to load my gun cases onto a carriage...

...so I can call on the trade

this morning.

KATE:

Well, that'll do.

- Morning, Miss Kate.

- Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

WOMAN 1:
Morning, sheriff.

- Good morning.

- Allow me, my lady.

- Well.

There we are.

MAN 1:
Morning, ma'am, sheriff.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning, sheriff.

How do you do, sir,

how do you do?

WOMAN 2:
Good morning, sheriff.

- Morning, ma'am.

WOMAN 3:
Good morning, sheriff.

MAN 2:
Good morning, sheriff.

- Good morning.

MAN 3:
Howdy, sheriff.

They're a friendly lot, aren't they?

They're happy.

They think they've got a sheriff.

You know, at first, I didn't take this

sheriff business too seriously. But now...

MAN 4:
Hi, sheriff.

- Good morning.

You know, it's rather a nice feeling.

It makes one feel good,

even a bit important.

Oh, you'll probably draw one of

the biggest crowds we ever had.

In there.

Whoa.

Well, this looks purty good.

[KATE CHUCKLES]

- We're here to teach you to shoot.

- Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Well.

See that?

See?

Extraordinary.

- Watch the gun.

- Oh, right you are.

I say, you are marvelous.

- Now you try it.

- Right.

Oh, dear. That wasn't very good,

was it?

It wouldn't have been bad

if you were hunting rabbits.

Now, try it again.

Hold your wrist steady.

- Look where you're shooting.

- Ah, hm.

Maybe I should have said

shoot where you're looking.

I'm not likely

to win the first prize, am I?

Oh, give yourself a little time.

Here, I'll help you. Come on.

Now, squeeze.

- The trigger.

- Huh?

Well, that was a bit better.

If only you could hold my wrist

every time I shoot.

- Now, you try it all by yourself.

- Right.

Kate, you must think

I'm a blithering idiot.

Forget it.

I'm not exactly what you'd call

a howling success.

I've come all this way to sell guns,

and I don't know how to fire them.

So you don't know guns.

How do you think I'd be...

...pouring tea for Lord Whatsits

in a London drawing room?

Enchanting.

You know,

I've never been east of Dodge City.

Never been to a real theater.

You'll laugh, but I ain't ever seen a man

in evening clothes.

They're not very different

in evening clothes.

You know, Jonathan,

much as I love my home out here...

...sometimes I feel like

I'd just like to throw my hand in.

- What for?

- For a little of your kind of life...

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