The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw Page #6

...with your kind of people.

And a few of the things in the outside

world I don't know nothing about.

You might not like

all that you find.

- I'd take a chance on that.

- Would you?

I sure would.

I'd be out of here quick...

Quicker than you could draw

that derringer of yours.

But why am I telling you all this?

To make me feel a little less the fool.

And because anything you say to me,

I want to hear.

This is silly. Come on.

Come on, and I'll teach you to shoot.

I'll never be any good at it.

And I'll never pour tea

for Lord Whatsits.

Lord Whatsits will never know

what he's missing.

- The gun's reloaded.

- Is it?

Six bullets,

that's why they call them six shooters.

- That's clever.

- I got a repeating rifle too.

- Have you?

- Oh, the latest model.

I'll show it to you

when we get back to...

- Why don't you kiss me?

- I'd like to see that.

Oh, Kate.

Oh. Oh, I beg your pardon.

Oh, that's all right.

[GUNSHOTS]

I ain't looking for you,

I'm looking for the sheriff.

I want him to know

that I'm carrying a gun.

Yeah? You know, you're a lucky fella.

Mighty lucky.

- How come?

- Our new sheriff's out of town.

You'd be a dead man by now

if he wasn't.

Me? More likely him.

Him? Say, our new sheriff

could give Wild Bill Hickok...

...first draw and beat him to the kill.

You hear about them fellas...

...that can shoot

the middle out of the ace of spades?

Our new sheriff can shoot

the middle out of the middle.

- I don't believe it.

- You don't, eh?

Another of your Lazy S cowpokes

was in here earlier in the day.

Bud Wilkins. You ask him.

Bud Wilkins.

You mean he took Bud Wilkins?

Just like he was a little boy.

Don't take my word for it.

Just hang around, he'll be back soon.

You can get yourself a big rep

by going up agin him.

Well, I ain't got time now,

but I'll be back.

Yes, sir, I'll be back.

I'll tell the sheriff you was

here looking for him. Ha-ha.

- Jonathan?

- Yes?

Oh, nothing. I just like

to say your name.

Tell me, Kate, can a man support a wife

on a sheriff's salary?

Sheriffs don't have wives,

they have widows.

If that's the procedure out here, you're

going to make a very charming widow.

Jonathan, when you're planted

in Boot Hill...

...will any fair lady from London come

and place flowers on your grave?

We won't talk about the past.

My future's out here with you.

Well, if that's an English proposal,

I'll accept.

Hey.

[ECHOES]

Hey.

Kate, Kate, Kate.

Jonathan.

[SINGS]

MAN 1:

Good morning, sheriff.

You'd better take that thing off before

somebody uses it for target practice.

I'll ask the mayor

to find a replacement.

Tonight could be too late.

I can't just walk away even though

I'm not much good as a sheriff.

Don't walk, run.

Now, that wouldn't be

a very sporting thing to do, would it?

Nobody in Fractured Jaw

ever heard of a sporting thing.

- And you're being a bull-headed jackass.

- Whoa.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Why, you no good,

contrary, unreasonable...

Bet they don't teach my kind of English

in your schools.

JONATHAN:
It shows a great weakness

in the English educational system.

You're kind of sweet.

Come on, no spot of tea, but I could be

talked into pouring you a spot of coffee.

I'd love it, but I have a job to do.

- Such as...?

- Selling guns.

At first, it was just because of the family

tradition and all that rot, but now...

...I'll need the money

to start a family tradition on my own.

And I'm gonna love that tradition.

I've never sold anything before.

The first thing

is to call on the local merchant.

Do you shoot that thing

or hang it on the wall?

- What do you mean?

- You're not going to sell...

...that antique around here?

- Antique?

My dear Kate,

it's absolutely brand-new.

The perfect gentlemen's

sporting gun.

Jonathan, listen, in Fractured Jaw

guns ain't for sport.

Unless you make a hobby

of killing people.

Then Tibbs' guns

should make a welcome change.

There must be some

gentleman farmers hereabout.

They might like to shoot a bird or two.

Only farmers around these parts

are the squatters south of town.

All right, the squatters it is.

Why, they'll laugh in your face.

Kate, I came out here to sell guns.

And I'm determined to

find someone who'll buy them.

I couldn't love a local idiot,

I had to pick an international one.

All right, go and get yourself

shot up if you want to.

Goodbye.

JONATHAN:

Whoa, whoa.

- Steady.

- They ain't going anywhere.

They're just heading

for the water trough.

We ain't never met.

I'm Hank Barnes, this here's my place.

How do you do.

I'd say you were about 5 foot 11 inches

tall, weight 170 pounds, am I right?

Well, just about.

My wife and I had an argument

when you rode out of town this morning.

- She said you were only 5' 10", 160.

- Oh?

I like to find out

these things in advance...

...then I can give you a real good job.

- Thanks, sheriff.

JONATHAN:
Don't mention it.

Good morning, madam.

My name is Tibbs.

- Is the gentleman of the house in?

- Luke's in, but he's eating.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, I'll wait.

Might as well come in and sit.

Oh, thank you.

I won't be a moment.

[JONATHAN HUMMING]

Charming little cottage

you have here.

After you, ma'am.

Ooh. Allow me.

Ah...

How do you do.

Luke don't hear good

while's he's eating.

Oh, well... That's perfectly all right.

Luke don't talk much

while he's eating.

Oh, I see. May I?

Thank you.

Hm. Hm-hmm.

Hello.

Baby don't talk much

even when it ain't eating.

Ah.

Charming little baby girl.

Ain't a girl, it's a buck.

A buck?

Yes.

How long does he generally eat?

Luke don't mind listening

while eating.

Oh, I see. Oh, well, in that case...

My name is Tibbs.

I represent Tibbs and Company

Gunsmiths and Armorers...

...of St. James's Street, London.

My card.

Now, sir. We have supplied

the best gentlemen's arms since 1605.

And, sir, I'm confident that

I can supply you with a fowling piece...

...that you would be proud to own.

And you can tell at a glance

that this is as fine...

...a sixteen-bore shotgun

as anyone could wish for.

[BELCHES]

Luke's through eating.

[GUNSHOT]

LUKE:
Why, you ornery young critter.

You might have blown my head off.

Get him out.

Put him in there with the pups.

That'll keep him out of the way.

Goldarn it. Look at that.

Cost me two bits. The last one

I've got now. Goldarn.

You bite any one of them pups

and I'll lick the hide off you.

You don't expect anybody

to buy that junk, do you?

Maybe pal it off on some redskin

that don't know no better.

Junk? I beg your pardon, sir.

Now, if you was selling a cannon,

I'd sure buy one.

Maybe keep them cowpunchers

from shooting up my place.

Tibbs and Company

do not manufacture a cannon.

Hey, say, before you go, come on

over here. I wanna show you something.

Now, look.

My land lays smack in the middle

between the Lazy S and the Box T.

- See that fellow there?

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