The Son of Bigfoot Page #4

Are you kidding? (LAUGHS)

I'm like the boss around here!

Everybody in this forest

hangs off my every word.

(LAUGHS) Is he always like that?

What a place.

(GRUNTS) I'm starting to like it here.

- (GROWLS)

- (YELPS)

Don't run and don't turn your back to him.

- Oh, no. He's a big one!

- (WHIMPERING)

(GROWLING)

- Careful, Dad! Don't...

- (YELLING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Nice performance, Wilbur. 10 out of 10!

Well, thanks. I've been practicing.

You jerk! I almost had a heart attack.

(LAUGHING) Nothing to be afraid of.

This is just Wilbur.

He's a big teddy bear,

sweeter than a pot of honey.

I am not!

Okay, maybe I am.

This is my son, Adam.

Pleased to meet you, kid.

Over the hill... (PANTING)

Oh, hello. (PANTING)

- Two of 'em... (PANTING)

- Wow, slow down, Tina.

- Breathe through your nose.

- (BREATHING RAPIDLY)

I ain't got time to

breathe through my nose!

I'm talkin' about rednecks with guns!

Hoo-hoo, hunters! (LAUGHS)

Hunters? Should we hide?

(CHUCKLES) That won't be necessary.

I, my friend, am a connoisseur

and when it comes to hamburgers,

this is a tasty piece of beef.

I thought you got the fried chicken.

My point is, whatever

it is, it's delicious.

(ALL PANTING)

We haven't had hunters in three seasons!

BIGFOOT:
Blue 32. Green 180. Hut!

- (GRUNTS)

- (TINA SQUEALS)

Yee-haw!

You think that'd be cruelty

to animals, but she loves it.

(TINA CONTINUES YELLING)

TOM:
My point is,

we're smarter than them animals,

so they deserve to die.

(TAPPING)

That's the sign. (LAUGHS)

(SHUSHING)

(GROWLING SOFTLY)

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

It's a dog-eat-dog

world, my friend,

but I ain't eatin' no dog.

Which brings me back to my hamburger.

TOM:
That would be a chicken burger.

TIM:
Whatever burger.

(GROANS)

(BURPS)

(BURPING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GROWLING)

Oh!

I got it!

I saw it first!

(GROANING)

(LAUGHING) We got him, my friend!

(LAUGHING) I told you dousing

ourselves in that bear urine

would make us in-detectable.

Like the Invisible Man.

Ooh, you were right about that one, buddy.

All we gotta do before we mount it

on the wall is make sure it's dead.

Let's take a look.

Yup. He's a goner.

(LAUGHING) I love destroying

nature's most majestic creatures!

Come on, get your butt

in here. Selfie time!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(LAUGHING) I'm gonna

post that up on Facebook,

and watch the likes come rollin' in.

Oh, don't you be tagging me!

My wife thinks I'm down at the

community college studyin' to be an...

(ROARING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

- (GROWLING)

- Zombie bear!

He's undead!

I did poke it!

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS) And stay out!

- (LAUGHING)

- Nice shot, honey.

(LAUGHS) They won't be

coming back for a while.

(LAUGHS) That was the

best thing I've ever seen!

(GROANS)

At least you guys know

how to have a good time.

We make the most of it.

ADAM:
It's nice to finally have a dad.

Well, then, son, we've got

to make up for lost time.

All right. Where do we start?

I don't know.

Okay, so what's the best

father-son thing you can think of?

Hmm... Uh... Want to play baseball?

- Sure, why not? You got a ball?

- Hmm.

Whoa, I would have picked

a different activity

if I'd known you had to

whittle a ball from scratch.

That's how things work around here.

You have to rely on yourself.

Yeah. I guess you can't just

order it off the Internet.

What's the Internet?

You've never heard of the

Internet? Are you kidding me?

(LAUGHS) Adam, I'm joking.

I know what the Internet is. Come on!

I have tons of friends on MySpace.

Things have changed a little bit.

You'll see when you come back.

Oh, Adam, I told you. I can't.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry, I know how you feel.

Come on, son, show me what you got.

Okay, Pops.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Huh?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(TOM SCREAMING)

Whoa, maybe we should try something else.

Hmm.

BIGFOOT:
Whoo-hoo!

ADAM:
Whoo!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

Whoa, that felt great.

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Ah, come on out, I'll race you back.

All right, old man, bring it on.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(PANTING) Give me a second.

What's wrong, gettin' tired?

You wish.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, no fair!

(PANTING)

(TUNING GUITAR)

(LAUGHS) You totally cheated!

(LAUGHS) We'll call it a tie.

Whoa! Did you make this?

Sure did. So do you play?

Oh, yeah. I love guitar!

(PLAYING OFF-KEY)

Yeah, uh,

try not squeezing so tight.

Yeah, leave a little

space... Yeah, yeah. Oh. Okay.

I think it's out of tune or something.

Do you play or is it just to look cool?

Well, you'll be the judge.

(PLAYING GUITAR)

Holy crap!

Well, I've had lots of time to practice.

Can you teach me how to do that?

Well, maybe a little

bit more rock and roll.

Of course, I'd be happy to.

(STRUMMING)

You have to come home with me.

Oh, Adam, I wish I

could, but it's not safe.

We can keep you a secret.

No one will ever know.

They don't even know you're alive!

HairCo will find out.

I'm sure they've been

monitoring you and your mom.

They're relentless. I've seen it firsthand.

When I was in medical school,

I started studying my hair growth,

desperately trying to make sense

of what was happening to me.

I discovered a rare DNA

mutation in my blood

was triggering a resurgence

of Neanderthal features.

Every day I was becoming

more of a bigfoot.

HairCo found out

about my experiments.

At first they tried to hire me

but when I declined,

my lab was ransacked,

and all my research stolen.

That's when things got

really out of control.

They threatened your mother.

We couldn't go anywhere

without being followed.

I knew the only way to keep

you safe was to disappear.

Why didn't they come after me?

Don't we have the same, uh...

DNA. Yes, we do, but when you were younger,

the genetic mutation hadn't activated yet.

I'm sure they found some of your genetic

material when they ransacked the house.

But back then, you'd have

seemed totally normal.

That must be why they left us alone.

And it's the reason I can't come back.

It's too dangerous. If

they even suspect I'm alive,

they'll stop at nothing

to get what they want.

(GRUNTS)

You.

What are you doing here?

All day breakfast, of course.

I jest. Please sit, Mrs. Harrison,

so that we might solve the

problem of your missing boy.

(SIGHS) He hates that photo.

You expect me to believe

you're here because of my son?

Oh, you got me.

I don't care about your son,

but if we find him, we find your husband.

My husband?

He died a long time ago. You know that.

Yes, well... No.

Some new evidence has come to my

attention. Please read the headline.

"Baby born in a pumpkin."

The other headline.

Bigfoot? Really?

Before he disappeared, your husband

was working on strange experiments.

Studying hair growth.

Hair like we've never seen.

Hair like that of say, a bigfoot.

Quite a coincidence, wouldn't you say?

Your son happens to show up at the

first Bigfoot sighting in 10 years?

I don't think your husband

was studying Bigfoot.

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