The Stooge Page #3

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Just why, dear

l'm yours

When you went away

You left a glowing spark

Trying to be gay

ls like whistling in the dark

l am only what you make me

What are you laughing at?

Say, what kind of a voice

do you have?

Until l was 1 8, l was a soprano.

Soprano?

Yeah, but then my mother

told me l was born a boy.

Don't tell me you were born.

What do you think,

l came from an egg?

No, the chicken would have buried it.

Ha-ha. Well, my mother loves me.

l'll bet she was disappointed,

l'll bet she wanted a child.

She got one! Look up the records.

l was born at the Mercy Hospital.

- What's the matter, were you sick?

- No, l wanted to be near my mother.

Mercy Hospital.

That's in Brooklyn, isn't it?

What's wrong with Brooklyn?

Any big men born in Brooklyn?

No, just babies.

How about ''For You''?

- For you? How about for me?

- No, what about it?

How about what?

''For You''.

- You said that!

- l know it.

What about it?

- Sing it.

- Sing what?

- ''For You''.

- l don't know it!

Well, ''Who's Your Little Whozis?''

None of your business!

No, l mean, sing it!

All right, but stop hollering.

- l'll start it.

- Go ahead.

Hit it.

Who's your little whozis?

Who's your little whozis?

Who's your turtledove?

Who's your turtledove?

Who's your little whozis?

- Who do you

- Who do you

You don't wanna help me?

Who's your little whatzis?

Who's your little whatzis?

That you're dreaming of

That you're dreaming of

Who's your little whozis?

Who do you love?

Who do you love?

Tell me who has you aflutter

Whenever they're passing by?

Melts your heart like butter

Oh, me! Oh, my! Say

- When you get the blueses

- When you get the blueses

Who you thinking of?

Who you thinking of?

Who's your little whozis?

Who do you...

Who do you...

- Who do you...

- Love, love!

Oh. Love

Gee, you're cute!

Where you gonna play next week?

What are you, a wise guy?

- Just listen to them!

- Don't you think you should have...?

- The fellow take a bow?

- Who?

- The fellow in the box.

- Oh, sure.

See what l mean.

lf you just keep punching...

Darling...

l don't know whether

l'll let you book him now.

Come in.

- Hello, Mary.

- Hello, Leo.

That's more like it.

Congratulations, Bill.

- You know Frank Darling here.

- Oh, hi, Frank.

- Mrs. Miller.

- Mrs. Miller, how do you do?

Well, Frank here wants to book you

on the Orpheum Circuit

for about ten or 1 2 weeks.

- What did l tell you, Mary?

- That's right.

You and what's-his-name.

- Who?

- The stooge in the box.

That's right. Where is he?

- Did you see him, Mary?

- No, dear.

- By the way, what's his name?

- What?

- What's his name?

- What's his name?

Well, no one told me.

l never saw him before.

That's fine. Leo...

How should l know,

l've never seen him before either.

- Somebody better find him.

- You're not kidding.

And when you do,

put a ring through his nose.

Gee, Ma, l didn't know

he was gonna ask me to sing.

And everybody laughed at me.

Now, don't worry. lt's all over.

l ran all the way home.

lt's a wonder l didn't get

runned over.

Theodore, it's done with.

Don't make a big thing of it.

Big thing of it.

You should see this guy, Ma!

Boy, if he ever got his hands on me,

he'd probably choke me to death.

Ma! Ma! The man. The man's coming!

Who's coming?

What are you talking about?

- The guy! Ma, the guy with the act!

- Theodore!

Oh, Ma, l gotta get out of here!

Ma. Ma, don't say nothing. Ma.

Theodore. What are you doing?

Don't say a word.

Give me your glasses, Ma.

He won't know me.

Theodore!

- Coming!

- Theodore, where are you?

Wrong apartment.

- Does Ted Rogers live here?

- Ted Rogers?

Mother, didn't Ted say he was going

to South America this afternoon?

Oh, who do we know there?

Yes, that's right.

Yes, he left this afternoon.

Fine boy, fine boy, that Ted.

Smart as a whip.

Hey, what are you trying to do?

You wouldn't hit a man wearing

his mother's glasses, would you?

Now, look...

Why, Uncle Sholum,

how did you get here?

- No, Ma, it's me, Theodore!

- Oh.

Now, look here, mister, it wasn't my

fault those people laughed at me.

You should never have

got me to stand up

and you shouldn't have had them

put that light on me.

l didn't mean to...

- Well, l apologize.

- You apologize?

And you don't have to give me

the $6 for the cab back, even.

Oh, l nearly forgot. l brought it

over for you. There you are.

- Oh, thank you.

- And here's your cap.

No, look, l had the orchestra

play the song up high

so the people would laugh at you.

l had it planned that way.

- You wanted they should laugh at me?

- Sure.

You hear that, Ma?

l was supposed to be funny.

Look, how much does

Mr. Robertson pay you a week?

Oh, 1 5 dollars a week.

But l owe him for the glass

in the office,

and l owe him for the glass

in the bookcase,

and this week, l think

for three stacks of records.

Mom, take a look at a

$40-a-week man, all expenses paid.

- What?

- That's right.

l'm paying you 40 dollars a week

and expenses. You're working for me.

Now, look here, sir, l am not

going to do anything dishonest,

even for that kind of money!

No, you do exactly

what you did today.

- Sit in the box and say those things?

- Right.

- Do l get to sing?

- You bet.

- Even if l sing, l still get paid?

- Well, sure.

Ma...

l'll ask him.

Mister, my mother and l

would like to know something.

- Yes?

- Are you for real?

Yeah, l'm for real.

We got a deal, kid?

- We got a deal.

- OK.

Here, save the gags for the act.

Well, l guess the only thing that

can come between us is dough.

Hey, how many of those carrots

you eat before going to bed?

Oh, lots of them.

They're very good for your eyes.

Good for your eyes?

Sure. Did you ever see

a rabbit with glasses?

- Oh, you want one?

- No, thank you.

l've never been away

from home before.

l don't know whether my mother

was crying because she was happy

or because she was upset.

You know, you have

a wonderful wife, Mr. Miller.

She's so beautiful and so nice.

Aren't you gonna brush your teeth

before you go to bed?

Well, of course.

Mr. Miller, there's crooks

on the train!

- What do you mean?

- Well, somebody stole the sink!

l better go tell the conductor.

They'll make us pay for it.

Take it easy. All you do is press the

button, pull the handle and it's there.

Oh, Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller!

Mr. Miller!

Oh, Mr. Miller!

You'd better get to bed

before you drown yourself.

Good night, Mr. Miller.

You, go up there.

You, up there.

Well, how am l supposed

to get up there?

Use the steps. Use the steps.

Put this up there.

- Mr. Miller?

- Yes?

How do you put these lights out?

There's a switch up there, kid.

Use it.

- Mr. Miller.

- What?

How far are we from New York?

Oh, l don't know. About 200 miles.

- Gee, l'm homesick.

- No, that's just the carrots.

No. From carrots, l get nauseous.

l'm just lonely.

Mr. Miller, my mother sings

me to sleep.

l am not your mother.

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