The Taqwacores Page #5

Ill tell you whats wrong with not masterbating Yusef.

If you keep that sh*t inside of you it will

poison you and make you do f***ed up things.

Look at the catholic priests.

Wait a second, wait a second!

Fatima here has been quiet.

Quiet as a mime!

What, I dont know anything I think its

different for guys than it is for girls.

Oh shut up! - Maybe, but what does that have to do

with being afraid to touch your own freaking anatomy?

Sweetie, you know how it works?

I mean, youve look down there

Stop!

Geez, yeah, I know.

You know you dont have to like

stick anything in, right? - Yes!

Did you not learn anything in sex ed?

My mom took me out of school that week.

She did!

Of course she took her out! Shes like, oh no, my

daughters gonna see a penis. We cant let that happen.

Alright, were gonna have to reframe

and do a little va-ga-ga one-o-one.

Okay.

I should, I should go

Im gonna write a couple things on the

black-- Oh, we have a fugitive.

I should really go and work on my paper.

Its due tomorrow.

No Yusef, stick around.

You could learn a thing or two from me.

Rabeya, Rabeya. Weve gotta clear out

the cobwebs first. So let him go.

Thanks Ms. Muzzy.

Wait. Hand me that.

You need this more than they do.

God damn it!

Vaginal lesson number one

is this is a tampon.

Oh, thats a good one.

- Thank you.

I dont use those.

Tampons do not de-virgin-ize you, okay?

Even if the hymen is broken by a tampon it

doesnt mean youre not a virgin anymore.

Say goodbye to the Maxipad!

Tampons coming in!

Yusef?

As-salammu alaikum.

On what days will you be

coming home this semester?

Abu I think Im gonna stay in

Buffalo during the breaks.

Why Yusef?

Whats the reason to stay?

I just, I just wanna hang out here

Hang out?

What does that mean, hang out?

Abu, I gotta go.

I gotta catch a bus.

Yusef!

Yusef, dont rush me!

Sorry, sorry, I gotta go!

Yusef! AstaghfurAllah!

Stop, stop, stop.

Yusef! Let him go!

Let me talk to him, let me talk to him.

No, you talk from here.

Alright?

My f***ing sheets are still stained because of him.

My f***ing sheets are still stained because of you! You know that!

F*** dude! How many f***ing times

do I have to say Im f***ing sorry!

Free themselves from the unrightful

prejudice toward specific sects.

I dont give a f*** about that!

Dude, this is the official fatwa

of Shaykh Mahmud Shaltut!

What the f*** are you talking about?!

Umar! Listen to me!

Umar! Listen to me!

Calm down.

You really gonna deny a brother Friday prayer?

You want to answer to Allah for that?

F***ing think about it.

F***!

Whatever.

Put a f***ing shirt on this guy!

Okay. Well get a shirt.

Well get you a shirt.

Dude, its so f***ing good to be back man!

Khutba.

Islam is a f***ing surrender.

Thats it.

Knowing that you dont run the show, staying

mindful of it in everything you do.

Take your hands off the wheel. See how it feels.

Islam isnt about ayats and hadiths, and niches, and lamps.

Its about us. All of us.

Allahs too big and too open for

my Islam to be small and closed

Im so Muslim I am so Muslim.

I can say f*** Islam.

You know Imam Husain said

"He has no religion, let him at

least be free in his present life."

Lets pray.

Jehangir.

That was a beautiful khutbah today.

Amazing, Ive never heard anything like it man.

Yeah?

Bombs away baby!

Im putting on a f***ing show baby!

- yeah

God damn right.

Been callin all my boys out West, their

coming in a big f***ing taqwacore caravan.

Were gonna set it off.

Set it off real f***ing nice. - When?

December twenty-first.

- Where?

Right here, baby.

InshaAllah

I cant believe you got the Ghilmans to come out.

And Al-Thawra. Like, its getting serious.

Yes, yes, yes, this place is gonna get over run

with f***ing taqwacore and its gonna be so good

I'm really excited

What about, what about,

whats her face?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dee Dee Ali and the guys are in.

Osamas Tunnel Diggers!

Theyre in there.

We just threw them in there for you.

Another band wants to make it out.

Thats cool.

Yeah.

- Which one?

Bilals Boulder.

No f***ing way Jehangir.

Those guys are bad news.

Yeah, I mean, they kind of are,

but Theyre good at what they do

Bilals Boulder? They dont

even allow girls at their show.

Look, I know. But their taqwacore.

Theyre gonna piss the

other bands off.

Yeah, and were telling them its an all gender show right off the bat.

If they dont like it, they dont have to come.

Jehangir, theyre a bunch of c*cks!

Muzzamil jaan.

If we deny a band their spot because we dont

like their attitude or their interpretations.

Then really it makes us no different

than those whove excluded us.

Alright?

- Alright. Bilals Boulder, cool.

So, how many people are

gonna to be staying here?

I dont know, I mean

with the bands and all of the scenesters making it

out

a lot of people brother, a lot of people.

Where they all gonna sleep?

In the halls, in the basement.

In your bedroom.

Listen, some of these

taqwacores are girls.

Yeah.

You got any liwaticore

bands coming out?

Yeah, we do.

You got them all sleeping together?

Guys, girls, and liwats?

Piece of sh*t, Im trying to

have a f***ing conversation.

Hold this.

F***ing relax, relax. look at me.

I knew the guy and girl

thing was gonna bug you

So I invited the liwats so they could turn all the guys gay.

That way you dont have anything to worry about.

Okay?

InshaAllah, its gonna be fine.

F***ing funny to you isnt!?

This is f***ing funny? It's a f***ing joke

Relax, relax.

Listen, listen you need to f***ing listen to me, okay?

You need to be f***ing careful.

Hug me.

Anything goes wrong with this

sh*t and its on you this time.

Im not cleaning up your f***ing mess.

Get the f*** off me.

Give me a hug.

- Piece of sh*t.

Wait come back, give me a hug.

Muzzamil doesnt want you to leave.

Do you want him to leave?

Yeah, he can go f*** himself.

He said he loves you!

Umar. Umar. Are you okay?

Everythings fine.

You dont seem okay.

Is that why youre here?

I wanted to ask you something.

Shoot away.

Why cant we all be in the same

room together and get along?

Have you seen the f***ing

parties in my hallway?

Have you seen the walls in this house?

The people that come into this house.

We have that f***ing liwat

hanging out upstairs.

Thats not his name.

F*** his name.

I just I just think its

really disrespectful.

The way you are to people.

Thats all I had to say.

What?

Is that Jehangir talking?

Huh?

Its not you, Yusef.

Its not you talking man.

f***.

So Imam, what youre saying is that the Republican Party

should be doing more outreach to American Muslims?

Yes yes yes, Because Muslims and

Christians share the same values.

We are bother opposed to some of these

crazy social trends that you see today.

These crazy social trends

like what, gay marriage?

Absolutely. Christians and Muslims should stand united

against the homosexual agenda invading our country.

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