The To Do List Page #6

Cameron wants me to die of aids.

And can I get a milkshake?

- Come on, we're waiting here.

- Sh*t. All right, man.

I cannot believe he is letting a hand job

come between our friendship.

He should be happy

that you jerked him off.

- Especially with his condition.

- Yeah.

I didn't know he "like" liked me.

How am I supposed to know?

I'm not a mind reader. I'm not a gypsy.

- Do you, like, "like" like him back?

- I don't know.

It's Cameron.

I don't think about him like that.

But, you guys, he was...

"Prying-."

- I think I really hurt him.

- Dude, he's just being a little baby.

Guys mess around

and girls just have to put up with it?

- Yeah.

- It's bullshit.

When I sprained my ankle

in gym class...

Duffy square danced

with, like, three other girls.

- He did not.

- I had to sit and watch.

Oh, my God. You broke up

three years ago. Get over it.

It still hurts, Fiona.

It's like Gloria steinem says,

"you're either the virgin or the whore."

Well, you know what?

One of those sounds

a lot funner than the other one.

Yeah. The whore.

Maybe this whole scam-list thing

was a stupid idea.

No, you can't give up now.

You worked too hard to get to this point.

- You can't back out now.

- Think about all you've accomplished.

You've gotten more action

this last month...

- ...than your entire high school career.

- That's true.

You're right.

I deserve to get f***ed by rusty.

She made a scam list?

A list of sexual experiments

to do with guys.

She used me, man.

Like she could just jerk me off

without ever even committing.

That is terrible. Any old guy?

Oh, he's such a dick, he's such a dick.

- No, he's not a dick, Duffy.

- He is.

- No, he's like one of my best friends.

- I know. Me too.

You have to believe me,

I didn't mean to hurt him.

- I know you didn't.

- Why would I do that on purpose?

- You would never. You're an angel.

- He told me he wanted me to die.

- He's a meanie. He's a dick.

- He's not a dick.

But don't worry,

Duffy's here to make it all better.

Why are you referring to yourself

in the third person?

Duffy. Duffy, stop.

What? I just invited you over

to make you feel better.

What's on your neck?

Nothing. Just a little hickey that...

Kitty Randall gave to me

when we dry humped the other night.

What's dry hump?

It's actually kind of complicated.

I'd have to show you.

- Okay. You can show me.

- You're just gonna let me hump you?

Yes.

It's all right. It's all right.

My mother's cats. Mother's cats.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm still hard. Let's keep going. Oh, yeah.

- You've never done this before?

- No.

- Feels so good.

- Yes.

- Shut the f*** up.

- No way, dude.

We dry humped last night

all over my room.

- She's writing a sex manual or something.

- Sex manual?

All right.

Thank you.

Hey, you got plans tonight?

I don't know, Derrick.

Do we have plans tonight?

Sure.

You're so funny.

Walk me to my bike.

I did not say anything.

- Hey, where you going?

- I need some air.

But it's an outdoor pool.

I need air.

Welcome to big bun.

May I help you?

Double order of fish sticks,

a large rc cola...

And would either of you

like to go out on a date?

- I will.

- Sisters before misters.

What? Come on, give me a break.

Brandy doesn't own Cameron, okay?

And she said herself

that she doesn't, like, "like" like him.

So it's an open playing field.

I've never been with someone

who wasn't circumcised...

And I wanna see if it's as gross

as she says.

I can hear you.

Hello? Hello?

Fiona, I can see you right now.

Ls every woman in this world...?

You know what? Forget it. Forget it.

Stupid car won't work.

Let me get this straight...

You wanna go down on me?

Yeah, because I just got dumped

because I suck dick at eating p*ssy.

I just thought that if I practice...

Then I could keep it

from happening again.

It's a lot harder than you think.

I don't know.

You know what? Forget this. Forget it.

You had me at "eating p*ssy."

You had me at "eating p*ssy."

Right. Okay.

Up a smidge.

Okay, down a tad.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, right there.

- It's not working.

- Yeah, it's working.

- No, it's not.

- Yeah, it's really working.

No, it's not.

My video won't play, Derrick.

Was that good?

- Is the TV on channel three?

- Yes.

- Well, make sure it's set to vcr, man.

- Okay.

- What you doing?

- Looking for my keys.

You need some help?

I mean, I can always help.

- No.

- I know, buddy, I know. Just get out.

All right, guys-

- I thought we were alone.

- Who, Benji?

He doesn't count.

He believes in monsters and sh*t.

- He's not a person.

- Okay, fine.

- Mitchell residence.

- Hello, Mr. Mitchell, it's Brandy.

Is Cameron there?

Yeah, I'm sorry, he's in his room

with the door locked...

And he's listening

to Sarah mclachlan.

- That bad, huh?

- Yeah. I would tell him you called...

But we're not saying

your name around here.

Got it. Thanks anyways.

It's a three-day rental, so we can watch

it again tomorrow if you want.

I'm glad you talked me into this.

- So excited for beaches.

- Me too.

Guys, I brought kleenex and stuff,

just in case we get emotional.

- Yes, Wendy, we know.

- What's after "titty f***ed," cunni-what?

- Cunnilingus.

- What is that?

It's when a man stimulates

the female genitals with his mouth.

No sh*t. So Derrick ate you out?

Yeah. I prefer "cunnilingus," though.

"Eat out" reminds me of fast food.

- Look at you. That's a step away from sex.

- Yeah, I know.

We should celebrate

by watching beaches.

So...

Now that you're like hooking up

with all these different guys...

Is it cool if I go outwith Cameron?

- What? Cameron asked you out?

- He asked me out too...

But I said no

because you're my best friend...

And best friends don't let boys

get between them.

Speaking of that, it's time for beaches.

Yeah, beaches.

- Are you pressing the right button?

- I think so.

Did you dry hump Duffy?

- What?

- Yeah.

- What?

- He gave me two hickeys. One and one.

Brandy.

You know I, like, "like" like Duffy.

- So? It's not like you're going out with him.

- So? What is wrong with you?

- Why are you spazzing out?

- Because it's ho's before bros, man.

You don't just go around...

- ...hooking up with whoever.

- Whomever.

You're going out with Cameron,

so don't be a hypocrite.

Yeah, but I asked you first.

That's the difference.

I cannot believe that you would choose

a boy over our friendship.

- You don't deserve to watch beaches.

- No, she doesn't.

- Don't say that.

- Let's go. Let's watch it at your place.

You guys. It's stuck, Wendy.

- Yeah, thanks, I can see that.

- Take it. Let's go.

- Don't take my vcr.

- Come on.

- Wait. Come back.

- You better hope that tape isn't ruined.

- Fiona, come on, don't be...

- No, I'm sorry...

I don't understand you

because I don't speak slut.

- Willy, what happened?

- Same sh*t every summer.

Oak crest country club

pulls some stupid prank on us.

- It's an initiation for their new lifeguards.

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