The Toxic Avenger: The Musical Page #6

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What the hell has evil got

That makes it so hot

Damn it, it's hot

So freaking hot

Tonight we'll hit the jackpot

Where evil is hot

It's hot

It's hot

Evil is hot!

(audience applauding)

(perky percussion music)

(goofy chuckling)

Oh

Oh, oh, (grunts), ow

Uh, hey, uh ooh

Who will save New Jersey

Who will save New Jersey

It's a lot of hearsay

New Jersey

Hello boys

(giggling)

New Jersey

Ha!

Ha, Jersey

The Garden State

Garden State

Garden State

(mumbling)

Wait!

Oh...

(audience tittering)

Oh oh!

Hello poppy!

I seen you on Grindr!

(audience chuckling)

Yes, you are looking

for a power bottom, hmm?

That's me!

What's your name?

- Adrian.

- Adrian...

Ooh it's like that film

Rocky, you see, Adrian!

Oh, me I'm Lorenzo.

- Kiss the ring.

- Of course you

kiss my ring, you're a good boy!

(audience snickering)

Adrian, you remember

the name Lorenzo, you gonna

be screaming it later!

(audience laughing)

Okay boys, I'm ready now!

(perky music)

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

- Ah, you have children, you think they're

gonna bring you joy!

- Oh I know, I know.

- It's all pain, it's all heartache.

- Oh I know, I know...

- He was Ceasarean, trouble from day one.

- Senora Ferd, oh Senora Ferd!

- What is it Lorenzo?

- The mayor, she coming,

the mayor she coming!

- What, no.

- Jes!

- No.

- Jes, and she say, she coming for you!

- What?

No!

- Jes!

- No!

- Jes!

- No!

- Jes!

- You don't understand, we have history!

Bad history, her and I in

the same room together!

It's impossible!

- Aww...

- Santa Maria, no no no!

- Lorenzo, (mumbles) you must stop her!

- Oh no no no no no, we

can't we can't we can't!

- Oh no I can't see her

there's no way, no way!

Whoo, I'm going out the back door!

- Oh no, no!

- Oh...

- [Lorenzo] That's the supply room!

- Santa Maria...

(audience tittering)

- Oh, no, oh, no...

Oh hold it hold it hold it!

(humming)

Ah!

Beautiful, you're so talented!

- So are you (mumbling)...

- Oh my god, quick act natural!

- Oh, okay, I got (mumbles).

- Act naturally!

(audience chuckling)

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

- All right, I know she's here some where!

- Oh, Santa Maria!

- Fess up, where is she?

- Oh she not here-a!

- Oh we no know!

- Oh she not here-a!

- We no know!

- Listen you two people

of indeterminate accents,

I saw her come into

your little beauty shop.

But trust me, no amount

of beauty treatment

can make that dame look good!

Oh snap score!

(sneezing)

- Bless you!

- The supply room!

- Oh, oh!

Oh, Santa Maria!

- Naah!

- Oh oh oh oh!

- No...

- Lorenzo, Lemiss, run run!

It's finally time her and

I talked woman to woman,

and it ain't gonna be easy!

- Oh clippy come on let's go!

(energetic music)

- Okay we going now bye!

- Peppy run with me please!

- Oh!

- Eunice, come out where I can see you!

Sure I used my feminine ways to seduce,

bed, and destroy your husband,

but that's in the past!

The one I need to destroy now is your son!

Tell me where he is!

- I...

(slapping)

- You will!

- I, I won't!

(screaming)

- You will!

F*** me!

- What?

- Nothing!

I hated you in grammar school

I hated you in high school

And if we went to college,

I'd hate you there too

You're a b*tch, you're a slut

You're a liar, you're a whore

Did I leave something out

Let me think some more

You're a tart, you're a tramp

You're as cheap as Demi Moore

Guess who won this round

Snap, snap, score

B*tch, slut, liar, whore

Your sonny boy will soon go bust

Your sonny boy will eat my dust

You better tell me where he's at

And what's more

You're a b*tch, you're a slut

You're a liar, you're a whore

You're a petrified,

fossilized old dinosaur

And when you're not

hair dyed, you (mumbles)

Guess who won this round

Snap, snap, snap, (gibbers) score

Ah ha, so, he's been hiding in here!

(Eunice screaming)

- [Eunice] You stay away from my Melvin!

For the first time he's successful,

yet he's in love, even if it is in love

with a blind librarian!

- [Mayor] A blind librarian?

So, he's been hiding out with her!

(Eunice screaming)

- You stay away from him!

- I will find him!

- No!

- [Mayor] And I will

destroy him, and until I do,

Tromaville is under martial law!

- [Eunice] Martial law?

You're a fascist!

Well, you know what you are!

You're a b*tch, you're a slut

You're a liar, you're a whore

You b*tch, you slut

You liar, you whore

B*tch b*tch

Slut slut

Liar liar

Whore whore

B*tch b*tch, slut slut

Liar liar, whore

B*tch b*tch, slut slut

Liar liar liar liar

Whore, whore, whore

Whore, whore, whore, whore, whore

Whore, whore, whore

You whore

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

(perky music)

- [Narrator] So as the Mayor

begins her cruel, toxic hunt,

deep in the heart of Tromaville,

one frustrated young woman

dares to dream the dream

of the impossible.

(tender music)

- (mumbles) ever after.

(audience tittering)

Here it is, after five

hellish days of writing,

I finally finished my book!

And as luck would have it,

it is wonderful, so

move over J. K. Rowling!

Ooh, get out of my way John Gresham!

Go screw yourself whoever

wrote the Diary of Anne Frank!

(audience chuckling)

'Cause there's only one person I need

to make my dreams come true.

(tender music)

Some people say that you're divine

So won't you answer

this prayer of mine

I'll vow my devotion unto thee

If you'll just put me on the TV-E

I'll go on one of your cable shows

Though what channel, nobody knows

Or be in your O, magazine

I'll be the hottest

writer they've ever seen

The fricken hottest

writer they've ever seen

Choose me, Oprah

Use me, Oprah

Make me a person people adore

Hug me, Oprah

Plug me, Oprah

I'll be your book selling whore

Time for a fantasy dream sequence!

Oh, oh, oh-oh

Oh, oh oh, oh, oh oh Oprah

Oh oh, oh oh oh

- Shiniquah, Dianne!

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah

I wrote a memoir of inspiration

It tells the truth with fabrication

My book will sell like Winnie the Pooh

I can even write Maya Angelou

Angelou!

I told the tale of a woman in charge

It ain't too long and

the words ain't large

It's so much better

than your usual crap

And I got a marketable handicap

She's got a marketable handicap

Pick me, Oprah

Lick me, Oprah

We can sell books from here to Guam

Shill me, Oprah

Dr. Phil me, Oprah

Let's kick butt on Amazon.com

Do me, Oprah, do me, Oprah

Show the world how much you care

Spank me, Oprah,

you'll thank me, Oprah

I wanna be a ga-billionaire

(frenetic music)

I said, Oprah

Selling more and more

I said, Oprah

I'll be your

Book selling whore

I said, Oprah

Better than your usual crap

I said, Oprah

Marketable handicap

I said, Oprah

Show the world you care

I said, Oprah

Make me a ga-billion

Ga-zillion, ga-trillionaire

I said, Oprah

- Go get 'em girl!

I said, Oprah

I said, Oprah

- Everybody gets a car!

I said, Oprah

- You don't get a car!

O-Oprah

(audience cheering)

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