The Toxic Avenger: The Musical Page #7

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(audience applauding)

Whoo

Whoo

Whoo, whoops, whoops, dang

(Sarah chuckling)

- [Toxie] Sarah I'm done in the shower!

- Oh!

(Toxie sighing)

- (chuckles) Wow, are

we going out tonight?

- Well uh, actually I

thought we could just uh,

you know, stay in, and uh, uh, (yawns)...

- Sarah, you know I can't

get physical with you!

- Get physical?

You won't even let me feel your face!

- I'm just not ready!

- But it's been three weeks!

(audience snickering)

And I just finished my thinly disguised

memoir of our relationship!

Don't you find me attractive?

- You know I do!

- Well then what is it?

(mumbling)

- It's my...

- What?

(groaning)

Oh my gosh are you gay?

(audience chuckling)

Of course, you know, if you are,

that is, that is totally fine!

We can just be best friends and,

and watch (mumbles) together (weeps).

- Sarah, there is nothing I want more

than to share my body with you but,

(sneezing)

but, but...

- Blah blah blah look!

I'm gonna make lunch.

- [Mayor] Citizens of Tromaville,

this is your mayor dammit!

We are now under martial law, and you are

hereby ordered to bring all of your

bleach down to city hall!

- Bleach?

- This is a civic emergency!

- Oh god!

- I repeat,

bring down you f***ing bleach!

- That was a strange announcement.

(audience chuckling)

- Sarah, I have to

leave right away!

- No, but I made French fries!

- Oh!

No, I have to leave

Tromaville, maybe forever!

- What, Toxie what's wrong?

- Oh I can't say.

- Well then I'm

going with you!

- You can't!

- I can!

- You can't!

- I can!

- It's too dangerous!

- I don't understand!

- You're too beautiful!

- Oh, yeah okay.

(audience chuckling)

- Oh, I have to leave right now!

(siren wailing)

- No, no Toxie wait!

The least you could do is give me a kiss!

Our first and last kiss together!

- I'm sorry!

- What, Toxie...

(rattling)

- [Sal] Door kick, bam!

- Woo, whoa!

- Na-na-na na-na-na!

Sal the cop!

- What?

(grunting)

- Fighting crime and he's

gonna catch the bad guy!

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- For f***'s sake.

All right, I know he's here somewhere!

- I-I'm sorry, who's there?

- Mayor Belgoody, thanks for your vote.

And we're looking for

someone, someone dangerous.

Sal the cop?

- Huh?

- Find the killer!

(Sal snorting)

(audience snickering)

- No, hang on, there's a killer?

- That's right.

So tell me, has the sicko

been to visit you lately?

- No, just my friend, Toxie,

and he is not a killer!

- Oh, how naive are the handicapped.

- Oh you can say that...

- The freak was seen

going into your house!

- Toxie is no freak!

- Oh really, so tell me

have you felt his face?

- Oh...

- Oh.

- He's a little sensitive...

- He's a little

sensitive...

- Kitchen door kick, bam!

- No don't kick the door!

(audience tittering)

- No sign of the killer freak in there!

- All right sister, you're

off the hook, this time!

But rest assured, I will find

and I will destroy the mutant!

- Yeah, okay, okay...

- Oh yeah, Sal the cop?

- Huh?

- Shoot something!

(Sal giggling)

- No please don't, please!

(gun firing)

(audience chuckling)

(audience applauding)

Mutant?

No!

- Mutant, yes.

- Toxie, I thought you left?

- No, I just hid in the

kitchen and pretended to be

a large ugly plant, Sarah

listen we haven't got much time!

(audience chuckling)

- Toxie tell me you're not

some freakish mutant killer!

- Uh, I have killed people.

- Oh...

- But only evil doers,

who are polluting our planet!

And as for the mutant part,

I am, well, different.

Oh but if I weren't I

would ask you to marry me!

- Oh, Toxie, don't you know,

no difference of yours could ever change

the way I feel about you!

- Hey.

Hey!

Sarah, would you like t..

Would you like to feel my face?

- Really?

- Only if you promise, no judgments!

- My darling Toxie, I promise!

(tender music)

No judgements ever.

You make me combust

With chemical lust

Now don't be scared of

My hot toxic

Hot toxic

- Ha...

- Uh, uh, uh, ah, ah...

- What is that right below your cheek?

- That would be me left eyeball!

- Oh, ooh, and this?

- I'm not really sure, just

an oozing sort of something.

- Oh my gosh!

- Sarah, I was thrown

into a vat of toxic goo

by the town bullies!

- Okay.

- It was right before

they tried to attack you!

- Right!

- And I'm not really Toxie!

I'm Melvin Ferd III!

- You are...

Melvin?

- Me, Melvin, yeah.

- Oh.

- Look, I know I should have

told you sooner but...

Oh Sarah, feel my heart!

It's a human heart and it loves you more

than any human heart

has ever loved anyone.

- You know what?

You know what, maybe we should consider

spending some time apart.

- Are you breaking up with me?

- Well I'm just saying

we should, you know,

take things slow and--

(Toxie roaring)

Oh, no I'm sorry Toxie!

Or Melvin, or whoever you are!

I can't!

I just can't.

(dramatic music)

Didn't you make a promise

To love me as I am

And didn't you make a promise

You wouldn't give a damn

- Yo, you dirty monster!

What?

(Toxie roaring)

Gotta go!

I also made a promise

To never hurt a fly

But since you broke your promise

It's time that I broke mine

(bird chirping)

(sweet music)

(dramatic music)

(grunting)

(sniffing)

- Oh, hello there dear!

You must be that nice monster

I've heard so much talk about!

My name is Edna Ferbert.

Hey, I was wondering, would you mind

helping me sort my recyclables?

The recycling plant is just

(sniffing)

so far away you see, I find these silos

of toxic goo, much more convenient!

(giggling)

Whoo!

Well what have we got...

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

(audience snickering)

- Oh Janet, what shall we do

for our one month anniversary?

- Oh Brad, why don't we go see a musical?

A musical based on a movie that

most people watched when they were stoned.

(giggling)

(audience chuckling)

Brad?

- Janet!

- Brad!

- Janet!

- Dammit!

- Janet!

- Dammit!

- Janet...

- No no no no no no no no no no no no!

(grunting)

- Oh what have I done?

Leave!

I said leave!

- Oh my god!

(dramatic music)

(poignant music)

You tore my heart out

My human heart out

You ripped it from the bone

You left a hole there

A burning hole there

An ache I've never known

I've torn some arms off

(audience chuckling)

I've torn some heads off

I've behaved quite violently

But that despair now

Cannot compare now

To what you've done to me

You, you

Tore my heart out

I thought you could see

The simple person in me

I thought you saw my truth within

It's me against the world

And it looks like the

world is gonna win

And so I end here

As I began here

A soul who's hard to love

It's kind of funny

But for a moment

I was the man who you dreamed of

Now that dream has died

So how can I stay

I guess I'll have to save the world

Some other way

I wish you well now

I understand now

You did what you had to

You tore my heart out

My human heart out

And that's the worst

thing you could do

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