The Toxic Avenger: The Musical Page #8

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And that's the worst thing

You could do

(audience applauding)

(audience cheering)

(tender music)

(weeping)

(audience tittering)

He tore her heart out

- Yeah he did.

- That son of a b*tch!

Tore her heart out

And now she wants to die

No more...

- Mmm hmm mm...

- I knew he wasn't French!

I knew it, you know just

the way you described him,

all big and burly (whinnies)!

- Eh, uh-uh.

- What?

Don't you go looking at me with those

Judge Judy eyes, Dianne, uh-hmm...

Go back to your lesbionic folk singing,

because I know, what I know!

(audience chuckling)

And I don't care if he got super-strength,

when I see him, he gonna get a whuppin!

Telling you he's a freak!

Mmm child, we all got issues!

You know, I dated this Puerto

Rican from Dominica once,

six toes on each foot!

We all got issues!

(audience snickering)

Oh you want another

frap-a-mocha-pumpkin-chino?

Oh you're good.

(Sarah weeping)

- Oh, um, excuse me!

Um, I'm Eunice Ferd,

mother of Melvin Ferd?

Who I wanted to be a lawyer,

but now he's a mutant freak?

You're the blind librarian my

son's in love with aren't you?

- Uh, how did you find me?

- I got a call from your

friend, Shinandadoa.

- Shiniqua!

(audience snickering)

- Sweetheart, you have got

to stop crying and man-up!

My son, he's on a rampage!

He killed a senior citizen!

- Who?

- What?

- Senior citizen?

Was she almost dead anyway, hmm?

(audience chuckling)

- No!

- Poor child!

- Then it's all

because of me!

- And that's what I feared, and you're the

only one who can stop him!

- No, no I can't, I

felt his face, and then

he told me that I--

- Honey, his father's face

wasn't much different and

he wasn't even a mutant!

- Hmm, I hear that!

- Been there, been there!

(audience chuckling)

- But how can I love a man like Melvin?

- Oh my dear!

If blind people don't love

ugly people, then who will?

(audience snickering)

(perky music)

- What?

- Oh, here!

It's a burden every woman shares

As she travels down life's road

She dreams of meeting

a handsome prince

But all she meets are toads

They're all toads

It's been true since the dawn of time

From the Romans to the Greeks

Honey, face it, all men are freaks

(audience chuckling)

Come on!

Sister, face it, all men are freaks

I've had my share of men before

Yeah I've been in many beds

Yours

Hoo-hoo

I've felt their lumpy bodies girl

And I've rubbed all their bald heads

Me too

They have things hanging

Off of them

They have hair on all their cheeks

Honey, grow up, all men are freaks

- Let's go find some.

Find kindness in your female heart

No need to act superior

Men need a lot of therapy

Because they were born inferior

Inferior

So spread a little charity

For every Tom and Dick and Kenny

Somehow overlook the faults

Of which they all have many

It's a burden every woman shares

Be she mother, wife, or friend

Mother, wife or friend

The man she loves is no big prize

But still she must pretend

She must feed his ego every day

And hear the babble he speaks

- Jibber-jabbar!

Sisters, let's face it

All men are freaks

(mumbles) aching ass

Oh, gotta love your freak

I love my freaky freak

Oh, go find your freak

I would if I could only see

Ooo, ooo we'll go find your freak

Go find my find my freak

Oh, gonna save my

Oh, gotta save my

Oh, my beautiful

Freak

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

- Okay...

(tense music)

- [Narrator] And so, as the terrified

- F***!

- public hides from the

- Oh, oh yeah!

- rampaging monster, and

as the actors make a

difficult costume change,

we focus on our mayor,

who stands on her perch,

and gazes over all of you,

her simple-minded pathetic minions!

And then she lets out a laugh.

(laughing)

But it is a silent laugh

(audience chuckling)

that no one else can hear.

And then, calling upon the two people

she loves most in the world,

Theresa May and Donald

Trump, she reckons for blood!

- All right, listen to me

all of you Tromovillians,

Tromofilites, Tromaviolins, oh f*** it.

People who live in Tromaville!

(shouting)

- And we're

- We're a mob!

- generic mob voices!

(grunting)

(audience chuckling)

- Our worst nightmare has come true!

- Oh my god, we're

getting another Starbucks!

(groaning)

- No!

The monster is on a rampage,

he killed a senior citizen!

- Not a senior citizen!

- Was she almost dead anyway?

- You, no, so, citizens of Tromaville,

(patriotic music)

we must form a lynch mob!

- Lynch mob!

- Yay!

- A frenzied, blood thirsty lynch mob

that doesn't care about

stupid things like laws!

- [Mob] No stupid laws, yay!

- A lynch mob hopped up

on moral righteousness,

and malt liquor!

- Moral righteousness!

- Malt liquor!

- [Mob] Yay!

Hunt him down like a squirrel

Be a man not a girl

There'll be blood, there'll be pain

This is war

(grunting)

We haven't seen such

A magilla since Mothra met Godzilla

He's as green and crazy as a (mumbles)

Wake the town, go door to door

Get your neighbors out of bed

(mumbling)

They'll be pissed

But persist, don't stop

till the monster's dead

(mumbling)

Till the monster is dead

We have the girlfriend set

Won't stop till the monster's dead

(grunting)

We'll thrust him down on

the ground and we'll pound

And we'll pound, yes

we'll go all the way

Sounded gay

But I'm not

What the heck, we're

as nutty as Glen Beck

And members of the NRA

- Go USA!

Text you wife, you'll be home late

Oh I can't forget the bread

No, you're a man who's got a date

To kill that monster dead

Dead

(poignant music)

(audience chuckling)

Finally it's him or me

Glory calls my name

(gun firing)

Could this be my destiny

To be God's favorite dame

It's a game for all the ages

Hear the angels softly weep

I got a mob to do the job

And in Jersey life is cheap

Get your pitchfork and hoes

No, hoes like these, not like those

(audience chuckling)

- Oh I'm so sorry honey!

I'm sorry!

Don't stop

Till he's dead

There she was, old and weak

And I killed her cold

I am but a mutant freak

who cannot be controlled

Toxie run, they're on your trail

Please be fleet of foot

Tromaville is burning,

it's about to go kapoot

Don't stop till he's dead

Till the monster's dead

To (mumbles)

Till he's dead

Tore my heart out

Till he's dead

My human heart out

Till he's dead

(mumbling)

Won't stop till the monster's

Kill the monster

Till the monster's dead

(energetic music)

- Toxie, Toxie!

(Toxie roaring)

- Kill the beast, kill the beast!

(cackling)

(cow mooing)

(audience tittering)

- Toxie, Tox--

(audience snickering)

Ah, son of a b*tch!

All right, okay, ah sh*t, right, ah, oh...

- [Toxie] Hey you all right?

- Yeah.

- Here let me get your stick.

- No fine, no no no no no

don't touch my stuff please!

(chuckling)

I'm sorry, sorry, I'm a

self-sufficient person and I,

and I can uh, I can find my own sh*t,

I can find my own sh*t.

- Okay.

(audience chuckling)

- [Sarah] It's okay,

feel the floor (mumbles).

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