The Toxic Avenger: The Musical Page #9

---

- Look you're not really close right now.

- Is she okay?

- It's okay, she's all right,

she's fine, just fell over dropped

her stick again.

- Sorry, sorry, I know,

- I'll be one second,

- Is she all right?

- Yeah yeah she's fine.

- we were, were on

(mumbling)

(audience laughing)

- But more like, yeah, no

stop stop stop stop stop,

you're closer now, no, now

like back up a little bit.

- (mumbles), bend back a little bit?

- Shoot.

She's beauty and she's grace

(audience chuckling)

(audience applauding)

- This is, this is my job (chuckles).

I have to do this eight times a week.

(audience chuckling)

Come to the west end they said,

you'll have f***ing fun they said.

You'll get to roll around on the floor,

this was not in the contract.

- It's next to your right...

(audience chuckling)

- Oh my god, thank god

they're not filming.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(mumbling)

(whistling)

Did someone just whistle my vagina?

(audience laughing)

- I think it did it itself.

(Sarah laughing)

(audience applauding)

(whistling)

Okay come on let's

get this going, come on team!

Let's go!

(shouting)

Left hand (gibbers)!

Yes, yes!

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

(energetic music)

When I (mumbles) I'm

gonna get (mumbles)

Melvin, trouble from the

day he was born, Melvin

(dramatic music)

- Sarah!

(cheerful folk music)

(audience cheering)

And so the chase is on

But will they catch the freak

Looks like the big green

guy could be up sh*t's creek

Will she catch him

No she won't catch him

Will she catch him

No she won't catch him

- Toxie!

Toxie!

By god she caught him

But she didn't catch him

Yes she did

No she didn't

Yes she did

No she didn't

You just missed him, come and get him

He's there now you can do it

If you want him, just believe in

Just believe it in your soul

You're the master of your own destiny

Tomorrow you can get it

We can reach the

- Just,

(mumbling)

finish it!

You can

(audience snickering)

- B*tch.

(audience chuckling)

She caught it.

(audience cheering)

She caught the Toxic Avenger.

(dramatic music)

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

- All right, say goodbye Sasquatch!

I got bleach!

- Go ahead, destroy me,

my reason to live is gone!

(Mayor whining)

But before I die,

this citizen of Tromaville

must know who owns

the Good Earth Corporation.

- That's enough out of you!

- All right, drop the bleach, b*tch!

- Sarah!

- Stay out of this

you gullible handicapped person,

the creature must be destroyed!

- She's right, I killed

an innocent old lady!

- No, no there must be some mistake!

- There's no mistake, I deserve to die!

(Sarah mumbling)

(audience snickering)

- Oh my god my pants!

- I agree!

- Well, you'll have to

go through me first!

- Uh, that's not me sweetie!

- But feels real nice.

- Oh!

- This is for Edna Ferbert!

- Wait!

Edna Ferbert?

You killed Edna Ferbert?

- Whoo!

- Guilty.

- Well that is wonderful.

(gibbering)

- What?

- What the hell

are you talking about?

- I used to live next door to her

and she was not innocent at all!

- Well of course she was,

she was a little old lady,

and little old ladies

are innocent and adorable.

- Yes.

- Aww...

- Oh yeah?

Well, she was going deaf right?

And you know how hard

of hearing people talk

extra loud when they're on the phone?

- Oh!

- Oh that's so annoying!

- Drives me crazy!

- I hate that!

- I know, I know, so I

used to hear her talk.

She ran Tromaville Escort Service,

a child prostitution ring

that enslaved children

of all races, creeds, and

religious backgrounds!

- What?

- And that's not all!

'Cause she also downloaded songs

illegally off the internet,

thereby depriving artists of

their rightful royalties!

(dramatic music)

- For the love of god!

(audience applauding)

(slow sympathetic music)

- Oh Sarah!

You make me the

- Stop singing!

The mutant must be exterminated!

- Oh he might be a mutant but

he's my mutant, motherf***er!

(gun firing)

Wha, did, di-did I get her?

(audience snickering)

- No, but ow!

- A little to the left sweetie!

(gun firing)

(groaning)

- Oh...

Oh, oh, oh...

(ballet music)

Oh...

(grunting)

(audience snickering)

(whimpering)

(grunting)

F***, f***...

(audience chuckling)

(whimpering)

(screaming)

(gun firing)

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

- Yeah, yeah now...

Now I got her that time didn't I?

- Yeah, she got me (grunting).

(tragic music)

- What?

Toxie?

No, Toxie!

- Sarah!

(audience chuckling)

- Toxie, you're not

hideous, you are beautiful.

Well I mean you could

use a little moisturizer,

but you're beautiful (sobbing)!

- Oh Sarah!

- Uh-huh?

- I think your love is

enough to keep me alive.

- Really?

- No...

- Oh...

(audience chuckling)

- I see a bright white light!

- Oh sorry!

(audience chuckling)

- Oh but I still see it!

Oh...

- Toxie?

(sorrowful music)

Look deep inside

I have nothing to hide

Our love's meant to be for

Eternity

- [Toxie] Oh Sarah?

- Uh-huh?

- Could you grant

me one last wish?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Something I've never done.

- Oh yeah, you want me to put out?

I can do that.

(audience chuckling)

- Oh, no, no, no, no...

- No?

- Just kiss me.

(mysterious music)

(audience cheering)

(whistling)

- Dammit, did I miss anything?

- You're too late Professor Kennith!

Toxie's dead!

(audience chuckling)

- But Professor, there must be

something you could do!

- I'm sorry, no,

there's nothing, nothing at all,

nothing in this world that could save this

poor, wretched creature.

- No!

No, no, you can't...

Oh my god (sobs).

- Okay, okay.

(sobbing)

Come on.

- No please!

- I'm so sorry.

- I can't!

- I'm so sorry!

(sobbing)

(sorrowful music)

(audience snickering)

- [Professor] Except!

- Oh f***ing sh*t!

(audience chuckling)

(audience applauding)

Except?

- Well, it's a one in 1000 shot,

but he'd have to drink the dirtiest,

most vile, most disgusting

liquid imaginable!

- But where would we

find something that foul?

- I got it!

A glass of water from

the Thames, in London!

- [Sarah] Oh!

- Oh.

- Thank you!

(audience chuckling)

(humming)

No, no!

(humming)

(audience snickering)

No, please!

(humming)

(audience chuckling)

He's gone.

- My baby, oh!

- Oh my, my big French boyfriend!

(sorrowful music)

(sobbing)

I, I'm sorry, (mumbles).

(sobbing)

(dramatic music)

(audience applauding)

- [Toxie] Sarah!

- Toxie!

(audience chuckling)

- Sarah, whatever you just gave me

really tasted like sh*t!

- Oh, oh Toxie will you marry me?

Promise

I promise

I promise

Sarah

(Toxie roaring)

- That was a yes everybody!

(cheerful energetic music)

- Oh, my darling Melvin!

I almost lost you!

Oh and I promise to never

criticize or nag you,

ever, ever again, as long as

you give me grandchildren!

(squealing)

(chuckling)

- Hey, listen to me, everybody!

Well, all four of you.

(audience chuckling)

When I was dead, I heard a voice,

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote