The Ugly Dachshund Page #7

That, in addition to what

we'll undoubtedly have to pay

for ruined clothes,

medication,

and the shattered nerves of all

our ex-friends and neighbors.

Yeah, okay.

The telephone

has not stopped ringing.

Mel Chadwick is on the verge

of pneumonia,

Jane Felton

had a nervous breakdown,

and the drugstore

has run out of vaporizers.

Yeah, okay. All right.

- Mark.

- [Dogs whimpering]

Mark, I think you should know

that I called Dr. Pruitt

this morning.

To tell him what?

To tell him that you will be

returning Brutus this afternoon.

Returning Brutus?!

My mind is made up.

That dog turned vicious.

- He goes or else.

- Or else what?

Listen here,

he was absolutely blameless

for what happened

last night, Fran!

Oh-ho-ho, blameless?!

Brutus is a kind, lovable,

intelligent animal!

- [Barking]

- Ah, shut up, you idiot.

[Whimpering]

Now, listen, Fran,

let's sit down and calmly

and coolly discuss this thing!

[Barking]

[Growls softly, barking]

[Vehicle approaching]

[Whirring]

Ah, good morning, Brutus.

Up kind of early, ain't you?

Oh, now,

did you make this mess?

You ought to be ashamed

of yourself.

[Grunts]

[Panting]

You shouldn't eat this stuff.

It ain't good for you.

Looks like

it was quite a party.

[Grunting]

[Barking]

Hey, what did you do...

Iose a bone in there

or something?

Come on, get down. There's

nothing for you in there.

Attaboy.

[Whimpering]

[Grunts, chuckles]

[Barking]

[Whirring]

[Barking]

Sorry, pal.

Whatever it is you wanted

is gone now.

[Growling]

[Barking]

Come on!

This is no time for games.

Hey, what's...

what's the matter with you?

It's me... Eddie.

Say...

What's the matter...

you sick or something?

Knock it off.

Mr. Garrison!

Take it easy, now, will you?

Mr. Garrison!

- Eddie, what's wrong?

- Call off your dog.

- He's gone crazy or something!

- Brutus, get back.

- Mark!

- Please, ma'am, do something!

- Mark!

- All I did was empty the trash.

- What's the matter?

- Brutus attacked Eddie.

Attacked Eddie?

Come here, Brutus!

- He went loony!

- Do something!

Brutus, what's the matter

with you, huh?

- What's the matter?

- What is it, Mark?

Look, Mr. Garrison,

you're nice people,

but I don't have to take this.

- That's enough.

- I'm very sorry, Eddie.

I'm sure there must be

some reason for it.

[Eddie grunts]

[Chloe whimpers]

Brutus, come here.

- Mark, do you hear something?

- What's the matter, boy?

Where's Chloe?

Eddie, did you see Chloe?

No, ma'am, I didn't.

- FRAN:
Chloe? Chloe?

- [Chloe whimpers]

Hey, you don't suppose...

Hey, hold Brutus, Eddie.

Hold him.

Mark, be careful.

- Mark!

- Aaah!

- Mark!

- [Muffled shouting]

Mark, be careful!

- Aaah!

- [Thud]

Mark!

Is she in there, Mark?

I don't know.

- Oh, poor Chloe.

- EDDIE:
[Laughs] Look at her.

She's okay.

[Laughs]

She's all right, Fran.

Oh, look at her!

Oh, my poor baby!

Hey, you know something...

I'll bet you that's why Brutus

wouldn't let me in the truck.

He knew that little pooch

was in there.

It kind of looks that way,

doesn't it?

Poor Brutus.

I bet your silly father

forgot to give you breakfast.

Come on, I'll give you

a couple of eggs.

Oh, boy.

Oh, excuse me.

Okay, take five.

Ahh.

Come on, girls.

Come on. [Smooches]

Come on. Come on.

Ooh, ooh, there's

my beautiful Chloe, yes.

Yes, what's the matter...

you want your picture painted,

too, huh?

Is that what it is?

Oh, will you get off,

you big...

Fran,

he just wants his share.

Come here, Brutus.

Come, boy.

Come here. Ah, whoa!

Mark, he has got to learn

that he is not a lapdog.

Now, we're not gonna have

any peace in this house

till he realizes

he is not a dachshund.

Well, I don't think

that he thinks that... that...

You know, Fran,

you could be right.

[Panting]

Go on, girls. Go on.

Go on. Go on.

Scatter. Scatter.

What have you got there?

It's the dog book.

I'm gonna show Brutus

who he is.

Oh, Mark!

Well, it's our fault.

We never told him.

You pay attention

to this, Brutus.

This is important.

Brutus, now, you look here.

Look... this is a dachshund.

See that?

They're dachshunds.

You're not a dachshund,

and you never will be.

No, no, no.

Dachshund... pooey.

Oh, really? Now, let's not

get so carried away.

Play along with this

a minute, will you?

Now, stick with me, Brutus.

Stay with me, boy, huh?

Now...

Ahh...

Now, here's what you are,

Brutus...

- [Whimpers]

...a Great Dane.

A Great Dane.

Dachshunds... no.

Danes... yes.

You are a Great Dane.

Look at that.

You see that?

That's all there was to it.

He just had to be shown.

How about that?

You know, he took one look

at that picture, one look,

and I could tell that he...

Uh, Mark...

[Whimpers]

MARK:
. . That he still thinks

he's a dachshund.

[Laughs] Aw.

"Dachshund... phooey.

Great Dane... yes."

[Laughs] Poor Mark.

Aw.

[Barking]

Heel, boy.

Brutus, heel!

Look, fella, when I tell you

to heel, you heel.

Heel.

[Laughs]

Well, who's leading who?

Hi, Doc.

- Hi, Brutus.

- Heel, Brutus. Heel.

Hey, what's

the diagnosis on Chloe?

Chloe has a rash.

A rash. Well, well, well.

Your wife was sure

it was scarlet fever,

but it's just

a minor skin irritation.

No problem.

Yeah, that dog show's

got her tied up in knots.

I hope she's gonna make it

through the next six days.

Hope I do.

All right, Brutus... stay.

How about that, huh?

Want a drink, Doc?

Uh, no, thank you.

No, thank you.

Brutus, let me

have a look at you.

I tell you...

you're absolutely marvelous.

You've kept him

in fine shape, Mark.

Trying to teach him obedience

is keeping me in shape.

Fine lines,

nice, square head...

He's grown up

just the way I figured.

Make a fine show dog.

Oh, come on, Doc.

No, no, I mean it.

I'd like to work with him

if you let me.

No, no, no.

Teach him ring manners,

stance, huh?

No, one in the family's enough.

In fact, it's too much.

All I want him to do is learn

how to walk around on this leash

without jerking my arm

out of the socket.

Hey, stick around a minute,

will you?

I want you to see

if I'm doing anything wrong.

Okay.

All right, Brutus... heel.

How about that, huh?

[Laughing]

FRAN:
Doc! Uh, Doc Pruitt!

Oh, Doc Pruitt, do you think

I could take Chloe for a walk?

Why, of course.

Well, you know,

that irritation...

I was wondering...

it could be an allergy.

Maybe it's something

around here.

I assure you, Mrs. Garrison,

it's nothing serious.

Heel now. Heel.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, sit down.

Now, come on, Brutus, sit.

Mark... what in the world

are you doing?

Well, I'm training him.

[Chuckles]

Sit down. Sit down.

[Laughing] Oh, really?

What do you mean,

"Oh, really?"

Well, it's just

that Brutus is...

well, really, uh...

Fran, you know, when you say

"really" in that tone of voice,

you usually really mean

something by it.

Oh, Mark,

don't be so sensitive.

It's just that Brutus

is a sweet, clumsy ox,

and I don't think you should

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