The Unquenchable Thirst for Beau Nerjoose Page #5

Sister Fuckface always

said the chosen ones use

the least chosen methods.

Sister Fuckface. I met her

and the other space nuns.

They said that Dr. Beau

Nerjoose kidnapped you.

How long have you been here?

A week. I think, but it

feels like an eternity.

Dr. Beau Nerjoose is looking

for the great fleshlight.

I know.

I too have been looking

for the great fleshlight.

Do you know where it is?

No.

I'm afraid all is lost hope.

I tried to find the great

fleshlight. I really tried.

It's as if it's right

there in front on me.

I just can't reach

out and grab it.

F*** it. I'm giving up.

Ron. Listen to me. You can't

give up. You can do this.

No I can't. I totally

failed. I'm a failure.

Without failure, we'd never

know what it is to succeed.

The only real failure

is to give up.

Did Jesus give up when he was on

the cross, dying for our sins?

Yeah, kinda.

Oh. Ok, that was a bad example.

Yeah.

Did the kids from Footloose give

up when their parents told them

they couldn't dance anymore?

No.

No, f*** no!

They danced their

goddamn hearts out.

Yeah they did. And

they didn't give up.

And neither should you.

You're right.

But in order to make the

great fleshlight appear,

I have to break a couple

more commandments, and

they're tough ones.

I won't be able to do it alone.

Well, can I help?

I mean, the universe

is at stake, Ron.

Well...

I have to commit adultery.

You're married?

Technically, but now she's

banging some guy with a

belly button ring, so I'm

pretty sure it's over.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

No. It's ok. She sucks.

But I'm a nun. I can't have sex.

I mean, I'm a bride of christ.

That's not just committing

adultery. That's committing...

devine adultery.

Yeah. No, I understand.

That's too bad.

Yeah, I guess it's too bad.

Too bad for the universe.

Well I mean, if it's

for the universe...

I guess I could do

it just this once.

Just this once?

For the universe.

Gotta give it up.

Just this once

to save the universe.

I'm a slutty, space nun.

Yeah, I'm a harlot.

I'm a dick-smoking

skank that feeds on cock

to mother f***ing live.

So put it in my frum frum.

then stuff it in my bum bum.

And I will lick

your butt and stuff,

and it's gonna be awesome.

Dirty sanchez.

Un tiempo

para universo.

One time for the

universe. One time.

One time for the universe.

Un tiempo

para universo.

One time for the

universe. One time.

One time for the universe.

Un tiempo

para universo.

One time for the

universe. One time.

One time for the universe.

Un tiempo

para universo.

One time for the

universe. One time.

One time for the universe.

Un tiempo.

What's going on in here?

A little hanky panky?

How monastic of you, Hope!

Here.

Clean yourself up.

Well I trust you

enjoyed yourself, Ron.

I wouldn't know.

I haven't had sex

in over 20 years.

And it's all because of that

whore-witch mother of yours!

You shut the f*** up.

My mother was a whore,

but she's not a witch.

I don't think.

What did you do to her?

What did I do to her?

More like, what

did she do to me?

Just because I got a

little rough with her...

Once...

Once.

Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.

Groovy.

I'm ready to get some ass on.

Sorry Beau.

I'm outta commish.

I've got a raging

yeast infection.

F*** that, Agnes.

You know I don't give a

sh*t about some yeasty puss.

How 'bout I give you a poke,

and then you can chow

down on my pig in a blanket?

F*** off, Beau!

I'm not working today.

Come back tomorrow.

Oh, Agnes. It's so cute

that you think you have

a say in the matter.

Now give me some.

No Beau! Get your

boner away from me!

And then, we made love.

No you didn't.

You raped her.

Tomato, potato.

Get the f*** out of

my room, you bastard!

Come on, Agnes! It's

not gonna suck itself.

It will from now on.

From now on,

your dick will

constantly suck itself!

You're never gonna rape again!

Oh, I know what

you're thinking, Ron.

Ooo, that's pretty cool!

Having a dick that

can suck itself.

Well, it is...

for a while.

I was standing in your mothers

whore-den for ten hours

before I realized this...

was a curse.

I'm never gonna come again!

It turns out my dick's pretty

terrible at sucking dick.

So I took my revenge

upon your mother.

I stole the great

dildo from her butthole

and along with it,

her sanity.

Oh.

Now I get it.

And my dick has been

sucking itself ever since!

Oh my God. That's disgusting!

It looks like it's

trying to uncirucumsize itself.

Is that hair?

It is awful.

But I thought once I

stole the great dildo,

the curse would be broken,

but alas I needed the

great fleshlight as well.

Once I put my penis inside it,

the curse will be broken!

I know exactly what

needs to be done to get

the great fleshlight,

and I've brought Ron

here to do just that.

You see, I've been

measuring the seismic shifts

for the last 24 hours.

I know that Ron has one let

commandment to break before

the great fleshlight appears...

Murder.

Such a pity.

Oh, this is shitty.

Halt.

Ron,

Are you familiar

with the phrase,

"Sh*t in one hand,

hope in the other, and

see which one fills up faster?"

I don't think so.

After tonight, you will

never, ever forget it.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Lock him into position!

Now, as you may

have gathered, Ron,

This contraption

acts as a scale.

Lock Hope into position!

As you can see, Ron, this

thingamabob which I have called,

"The scales of Joostice!"

or "Whack-a-ho."

I'm going back and

forth. I can't decide.

It will allow you to murder.

In one hand, you will have hope.

In the other... Sh*t!

Sh*t. Sh*t.

We need more sh*t. More sh*t!

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, and Hope,

if you look up you'll see

a Hunter-Douglas brand

high-speed, oscillating fan

made of solid,

razor-sharp steel.

Ron could save you,

hypothetically,

but instead I think

he will murder you...

to death...

forever!

No!

No. No. wait. Hold on.

How is this Ron's fault?

This isn't murder.

Oh really? Is that what you?

Well, either way,

you'll be dead.

So f*** off and

die, Hope. Forever.

Ron, you can do it.

It's ok if you kill me,

but I have to tell

you something first.

What is it?

I have HPV.

Everybody has HPV. Seriously.

Everybody. But I don't care.

I've loved you since

yesterday when I saw your

tits for the first time.

If you're struggling now,

just wait till the

sh*t hits the fan.

There's something else

I have to tell you.

What is it?

Well, it's really not a big

deal, but when I was a kid,

I found this litter of puppies

and they were really cute.

They had been abandoned

by their mother,

and they were just this really

adorable, little balls of fur.

I put them in a box

with cotton balls and

soaked them with gasoline

and lit 'em on fire and

put them out on a lake,

and it was like a viking

funeral for puppies.

That's not...

That's not that bad.

More sh*t! We need more

sh*t, you sh*t heads!

Sir, we're almost out of sh*t.

Well, make more.

Yes sir. Right away, sir.

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