The Wheeler Dealers Page #7

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DON'T THINK I'D PAIN A FALSEHOOD ON MY DOOR, DO YOU?

WELL, THEN WHERE DO YOU MAKE

THE WIDGETS?

YOUNG LADY, I DON'T KNOW

WHY YOU'RE UP HERE

FUSSING ABOUT OUR STOCK.

WE WHIPPLES CONTROL IT ANYWAY.

WE HAVEN'T MADE A WIDGE SINCE 1854.

ANY FOOL KNOWS THAT.

FLYING CLIPPERS WENT OU YEARS AGO.

BUT YOU MUST MAKE

SOMETHING.

WHY?

WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME,

IF YOU DON'T MAKE SOMETHING,

YOU GOT NO CALL:

TO STAY IN BUSINESS.

I'M A BUSY MAN,

AND I'D LIKE THIS TO BE

THE LAST WORD ON THIS SUBJECT.

OUR COMPANY OWNS

JUST TWO THINGS --

THAT BOG OUT THERE

AND SOME STOCK WE BOUGHT.

ONLY THING THAT KEEPS US

FROM DISSOLVING THE CORPORATION

IS MY BROTHER LEMUEL SAYS WE'D

HAVE TO PAY A TAX ON THE STOCK.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WELL, WHAT MR. WHIPPLE

IS SAYING:

IS THAT WHEN THEY WENT OU OF WIDGET PRODUCTION,

THEY TOOK WHATEVER WAS LEF IN THE TREASURY

AND INVESTED I IN ANOTHER STOCK.

AND THAT'S

WHERE IT IS NOW.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE BOUGHT AMERICAN TELEPHONE

AND TELEGRAPH:

JUST BEFORE THE WAR.

BACK IN THE '30s?

THE DAY BEFORE THEY SUNK

THE LUSITANIA.

YOU BOUGHT AT&T IN 1915?

YOU HAVE A FORTUNE

IN HIDDEN ASSETS!

YOUNG LADY, DON'T YOU FUSS

WITH OUR STOCK.

IT'S SELLING NOW

JUST ABOUT THE WAY IT OUGHT TO.

YOU'D BETTER GO ON HOME

AND GET YOURSELF A HUSBAND.

AND A COOKBOOK.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

DOES MY FACE LOOK PUFFY?

I'M A GENTLEMAN, AND I REFUSE

TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

I'M SORRY I BURST OU LIKE THAT.

I HAVEN'T DONE THA IN YEARS.

YOU WEREN'T CRYING OVER

A LITTLE OLD BURNED-OUT FACTORY,

NOW, WERE YOU?

NO.

IT'S THE WHOLE SITUATION.

I MEAN, IF I CAN' PUT WIDGET OVER,

THEN IT'S GONNA MAKE I THAT MUCH HARDER

FOR EVERY GIRL:

ON WALL STREET,

AND THEY'RE DEPENDING

ON ME.

ANYWAY, THIS IS

A WILD-GOOSE CHASE,

AND MY BOSS KNOWS IT.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH A WILD-GOOSE CHASE,

PROVIDED YOU CATCH

THE GEESE.

ANYWAY, HOW CAN I SELL

WIDGET STOCK?

I MEAN, ANYBODY

IN HIS RIGHT MIND

WOULD GO AND BUY AT& DIRECT FROM HIS BROKER.

[ SIGHS ]

WELL, I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING

FOR ME TO DO:

BUT GO BACK:

TO PHILADELPHIA:

AND PUSH LITTLE MONSTERS AROUND

IN SUPERMARKET CARTS.

YOU REALLY WANT TO STAY OU OF PHILADELPHIA?

EXCUSE ME.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

UH, THIS STEAK

IS ALL PINK INSIDE.

YES, SIR.

YEAH, I WONDER IF YOU'D

TAKE IT BACK TO COOKY

AND TELL HIM TO BURN I FOR ME, PLEASE.

- YES, SIR.

- THANK YOU.

DON'T WAIT FOR ME.

TURKEY WILL GET COLD.

NOW, ABOUT THAT DEAL.

WHAT ABOUT IT?

ALL RIGHT.

HERE ARE THE TERMS.

IF I HELP YOU PUT OVER

THIS STOCK DEAL,

YOU COME DOWN TO TEXAS WITH ME

AS MY ASSISTAN FOR SIX MONTHS.

IF I DON'T HELP YOU,

NO DEAL.

ME IN TEXAS?

THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM.

HENRY, YOU'RE AN OPERATOR,

BUT DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET?

I KNOW THE STOCK MARKE IS MONEY AND EMOTION.

THERE'S...

HOPE WHEN YOU START OUT,

GREED ON THE WAY UP,

AND FEAR ON THE WAY DOWN.

I KNOW THAT THE:

STOCK MARKET IS PEOPLE,

AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING

YOU CAN'T SELL PEOPLE,

I HAVE YET TO FIND OU WHAT IT IS.

THESE PEOPLE NEED

A REASON TO BUY.

THE BEAUTY OF IT IS, THE REASON

DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE.

YOU'RE NOT THINKING

OF ANYTHING ILLEGAL, ARE YOU?

I'M NEVER ILLEGAL.

I'M JUST CLOSE TO IT.

HMM.

TEXAS.

PHILADELPHIA.

OH, MR. TYROON,

YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.

ALL RIGHT.

FIRST OFF, WE GO SEE WHIPPLE

IN THE MORNING.

OH, NOW,

WAIT A MINUTE THERE.

STAYING OVERNIGH IS NOT PART OF THE DEAL.

WELL, WE'VE GOT TO TAKE

ADVANTAGE WHILE WE'RE HERE.

ADVANTAGE OF WHOM?

CIRCUMSTANCES, THAT'S ALL.

HENRY, I MAY NOT BE

THE DRIVEN-SNOW TYPE,

BUT I DON'T GO IN

FOR ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

I NEVER THOUGH YOU DID, MOLLY.

SEPARATE ROOMS OKAY?

SEPARATE FLOORS:

IF YOU LIKE.

I REALLY DO HAVE TO CHECK

SOMETHING IN THE MORNING.

WE MAY HAVE AN EXTRA ASSE IN THAT WIDGET WEED PATCH.

SEPARATE FLOORS.

OKAY.

[ CRUNCHING ]

MMM.

MY COMPLIMENTS:

TO THE CHEF.

HENRY, WHY DON'T YOU BUY A

COUPLE OF NEW ENGLAND MOUNTAINS

AND SEND THEM DOWN

TO TEXAS?

WELL, NOW,

I'D PURELY LIKE TO DO THAT.

BUT I JUST DON'T THINK

I COULD SWING IT.

YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY

YOU FINALLY DISCOVERED SOMETHING

YOU CAN'T BUY.

NO, I COULD BUY THE MOUNTAINS,

ALL RIGHT.

THE PROBLEM:

IS MOVING THEM.

[ CHUCKLES ]

MY FACE STILL PUFFY?

IT'S STILL PUFFED

A LITTLE RIGHT HERE.

AND IT'S A LITTLE SWOLLEN

RIGHT HERE,

AND IT --

IT'S ALL MESSED UP HERE,

AND...

IT'S STILL ABOUT THE PRETTIES FACE I EVER DID SEE.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

WHEN I FIRST MET YOU, I DIDN' BELIEVE YOU WERE FOR REAL.

I MEAN, THE TEXAS ACCEN AND THE HAT AND THOSE BOOTS.

WELL, IT WAS ALL

A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

WELL, SUPPOSING

WHEN I MET YOU:

THAT I WAS WEARING

ONE OF THEM WALL STREET SUITS

AND A SHORT-BRIMMED HA AND I'D SAID, UH...

[ Boston accent]

"I FIND IT HARD TO BE HAPPY

NOW THAT I'VE LEF HARVARD."

[ Normal voice ] WOULD I HAVE

BEEN ANY MORE REAL?

[ Texas accent ]

WELL, MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

REAL IS WHAT YOU'RE USED TO

OR WHAT YOU GET USED TO.

THE BOOTS AND THE HA AND THE TEXAS ACCEN ARE JUST TRIMMINGS,

THAT'S ALL.

THEY DON'T REALLY HAVE

AN AWFUL LOT TO DO WITH ME.

WELL, YOU'RE REAL TO ME NOW,

TRIMMINGS AND ALL.

OH?

AND I THINK IT'S TIME

WE GO BACK TO THE HOTEL.

YEAH.

OH.

[ LAUGHS ]

HENRY?

HMM?

NOTHING, JUST...

HENRY.

HEY, UH, YOU MADE ME

ALL KIND OF WIDE AWAKE.

WANT TO JOIN ME:

FOR A NIGHTCAP?

NO, THANKS, HENRY.

I'M KIND OF TIRED.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU CALL ME THE MINUTE

YOU WAKE UP.

I'M ON THE SECOND FLOOR,

ROOM 23.

OKAY. IF YOU WAKE UP FIRST,

YOU CALL ME.

I'M IN, UH, 32.

ALL RIGHT.

SEE YOU AT BREAKFAST?

OKAY.

- GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

UH, MR. TYROON?

THE PARTY IN 23 CALLED UP

TO SAY THEY AIN' CHECKING OUT.

BUT THERE'S ANOTHER VACANCY

IN ROOM 31.

- 31?

- UH-HUH.

THAT'S RIGHT NEXT TO 32.

YOU SHARE A BATH.

IS THAT THE ONLY OTHER ROOM

YOU GOT?

WE AIN'T GOT ANOTHER VACANCY

IN THE HOTEL.

TOUGH LUCK, MR. TYROON.

YEAH.

I, UH, ASKED

FOR ANOTHER ROOM, BUT --

BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE

ANY STANDARD MODELS LEFT.

PARTY IN 23

DIDN'T CHECK OUT.

THIS WAS THE ONLY ROOM

I COULD GET.

AND THE AUTOMOBILE

WITH THE SCOTCH AND THE BOURBON

AND THE NEW:

"TUCK ME IN" LOOK,

THAT WAS THE ONLY THING

YOU COULD GET, TOO, HMM?

I DIDN'T THINK

YOU'D BELIEVE ME.

I DON'T. AND THE WARM-UP

ON THE MOUNTAINTOP --

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH YOUR TIMING, IS THERE?

I CROSS MY HEART, MOLLY.

AND THE NIGHTCAP THAT WAS

SUPPOSED TO SET ME UP.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND --

A-A TRIPLE BOURBON?

I SWEAR TO YOU,

MOLLY, I --

NOW, LOOK, CLYDE. I TOLD YOU --

NO ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

NOW, AS FAR

AS I'M CONCERNED,

ROOMS 31 AND 32

ARE JUST ONE ROOM,

AND THEY HAVE:

JUST ONE TENANT.

YOU?

MM-HMM.

HENRY?

HENRY, YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE STILL PARTNERS,

AREN'T WE?

WE'RE STILL PARTNERS.

GOOD NIGHT, PARTNER.

GOOD NIGHT.

HELLO. OPERATOR?

YEAH, COULD YOU GET ME

MIDLAND, TEXAS,

EXCELSIOR 3-6-2-2-1,

PLEASE?

UH, MY NUMBER

IS W-1-H-K-K.

HELLO, PATRICIA.

HOW ARE YOU?

SAY, PAT, COULD YOU GET ME

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