The Wheeler Dealers Page #9

---

IT'S A LITTLE STOCK

NOBODY EVER HEARD OF.

WIDGET.

WIDGET.

WIDGET.

WIDGET.

WIDGET.

- WIDGET.

- WIDGET.

WIDGET.

WID-GET.

WIDGET.

I CAN HEAR IT NOW, BUSTER.

IT STARTS AS A WHISPER.

THEN IT RISES TO A MURMUR.

Both:
UNTIL IT BECOMES

A TRIUMPHANT SHOU IN THE THROATS

OF ALL AMERICA!

WHAT'S A WIDGET?

THE COMPANY HAS SOMETHING

TO DO WITH COMMUNICATIONS.

DON'T --

DON'T TELL US MORE.

WE DON'T BELIEVE

IN OVERRESEARCHING A PRODUCT.

BOYS, THERE ARE LAWS

ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING.

NOW, I WAN A FIRST-CLASS JOB.

I WANT IT RESTRAINED, DIGNIFIED,

BUT HARD-HITTING.

SAY NO MORE.

THERE ARE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

THIS CAMPAIGN AND THE --

HOLD IT. HOLD IT, MR. TYROON.

BUDDY'S THINKING.

[ THUMPING ]

I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

I GO--

WE LAUNCH A CAMPAIGN

TO GIVE AMERICA THE LEAD

IN INTERNATIONAL WIDGETRY!

YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE ME TIME,

MR. BEAR.

NOW, IN A WEEK, I GUARANTEE YOU

ACTION, OR I'LL RESIGN.

BUT, MISS THATCHER, THIS THING

KEEPS DRAGGING ON AND ON AND ON.

NOW, LOOK, MR. BEAR.

YOU PROMISED ME A MONTH,

AND THAT MONTH ISN'T UP YET.

NOW, IS YOUR WORD WORTH ANYTHING

OR ISN'T IT?

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

WELL, IT VARIES.

IT -- [ SIGHS ]

MOLLY THATCHER?

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU,

MISS THATCHER.

MAYBE I DID SAY ONE MONTH,

BUT THAT WAS --

NOW, LOOK.

LOOK AT THIS.

TEXAS MUTUAL:

COOPERATIVE FUNDS.

RIGHT, AND IT'S A VERY SIZABLE

INVESTMENT IN WIDGET.

NOW I'VE GOT THE MUTUAL FUNDS

INTERESTED,

AND THIS IS:

JUST THE BEGINNING.

MISS THATCHER,

I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

TAKE A WEEK, TAKE A MONTH --

TAKE ALL THE TIME THAT YOU LIKE.

FROM THE VERY FIRST DAY THAT YOU

SET FOOT IN THIS OFFICE,

I SAID TO MYSELF,

"THAT BOY IS GOING PLACES!"

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

SURE, SWEETHEART.

YOU DID?

WELL, NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL

REAL WONDERFUL.

BUT HOW DID A TEXAS MUTUAL-FUND

OUTFIT EVER GET WIND OF IT?

WELL, RAY JAY AND JAY RAY

AND J.R. WANTED PARTICIPATION,

BUT I WANTED THEM

TO PARTICIPATE MY WAY.

You see,

the three of them are

the Texas Mutual

Cooperative Fund.

THEY ACT MORE LIKE SPECULATORS

THAN MUTUAL-FUND OPERATORS.

NO, NO, SWEETHEART.

THEY'RE NO A MUTUAL-FUNDS COMPANY.

IT'S A CATTLE SYNDICATE.

I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN

THERE'D BE A CATCH SOMEPLACE.

WHY ARE YOU:

SO DISAPPOINTED?

SOUNDS LIKE A MUTUAL FUND,

DOESN'T IT?

[ Chuckles ]

Man:

SEE WHERE TEXAS MUTUAL

IS ADDING UNIVERSAL WIDGE TO THEIR PORTFOLIO.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE AN INTERES IN WIDGET.

AND HIGH TIME.

IF WE DON'T WATCH OUT,

THE SOVIET UNION

WILL OUTPRODUCE US IN WIDGETS.

YOU WON'T BE THE FIRST MAN

IN THIS TOWN:

WHO TURNED DOWN:

A GOOD THING:

BECAUSE A WOMAN BROUGHT I TO HIS ATTENTION,

BUT WHEN TEXAS MUTUAL

COOPERATIVE FUND

MOVES ON AN ISSUE, IT'S TIME

YOU TOOK A LOOK FOR YOURSELF.

Man:
LOOK.

IT'S ONLY ABOUT 7/8

OF AN INCH LONG.

THE PRODUCTION OF WIDGETS

IS A MASTERPIECE OF TOOLING.

ANY WIDGET WITH A TOLERANCE

OF MORE THAN 1/10,000 OF AN INCH

IS REJECTED.

Man #2:
I GUESS THAT'S

WHAT MAKES THEM SO VITAL

TO TRANSISTORIZED

COMMUNICATIONS.

EXACTLY.

AIN'T NO OIL

IN MASSACHUSETTS.

I WON'T SAY THERE IS,

AND I WON'T SAY

THERE AIN'T.

WE MADE WENDELL'S COLUMN

THIS MORNING.

LISTEN TO THIS.

"DID THE SECRETARY

OF DEFENSE:

"MAKE A SECRET TRIP

TO NEW ENGLAND YESTERDAY

FOR A QUICKIE INSPECTION

OF UNIVERSAL WIDGET?"

Henry:

NOT BAD. NOT BAD AT ALL.

YEAH, BUT WE'VE GOT TO ASK

MORE QUESTIONS.

THAT'S RIGHT. QUESTIONS ARE VERY

IMPORTANT, MR. TYROON.

YOU ASK ANY QUESTION,

AND THE PUBLIC ANSWERS YES.

YOU MEAN LIKE, "IS UNIVERSAL

WIDGET STEPPING UP PRODUCTION

"TO MEET THE DEMANDS

OF RADIO STAR,

THE NEW COMMUNICATIONS

SATELLITE?"

BUSTER,

HE'S GIVING OFF SPARKS.

NOT BAD. NOT BAD.

"IS TEXAS MUTUAL FUNDS

PULLING OUT OF RAILS

"TO CONCENTRATE

ON COMMUNICATIONS ISSUES

SUCH AS UNIVERSAL WIDGET?"

HE EFFERVESCES!

HE BUBBLES!

"ARE UNION LEADERS WORRIED

AS AUTOMATION STEPS UP

WIDGET PRODUCTION OVERNIGHT?"

EVERY WORD:

IS MOTHER'S MILK.

GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE GREAT.

YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

MY OFFICE CABLED

YESTERDAY.

THERE'S A HOT RUMOR

GOING AROUND --

A MERGER BETWEEN RCA

AND UNIVERSAL WIDGET.

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE,

THERE'S FIRE.

HONEY, WE'VE GOT IT.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT DO WE HAVE?

HERE IT IS.

THIS IS THE LATEST ISSUE

OF MODERN TECHNIQUES

AND COMMUNICATIONS.

IT'S THE TECHNICAL JOURNAL

OF THE COMMUNICATIONS INDUSTRY.

NOW, LISTEN TO THIS.

"THE MANUFACTURERS

OF RADIO STAR,

"THE NEW COMMUNICATIONS

SATELLITE,

"HAVE STATED THAT THEY NEED

ALL THE WIDGETS:

"THEY CAN POSSIBLY

ROUND UP,

"BECAUSE THEY CONSIDER THEM

ESSENTIAL:

TO EFFICIENT PRODUCTION."

THEN THERE REALLY ARE WIDGETS.

THEY REALLY USE THEM?

[ Imitating Whipple ]

ANY FOOL KNOWS:

THAT WIDGETS WENT OU WITH FLYING CLIPPERS.

OH, WELL, THEN THAT PARAGRAPH

DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

I ONLY READ ONE PARAGRAPH.

THE WHOLE ARTICLE

IS ABOUT RADIO STAR,

THE NEW COMMUNICATIONS

SATELLITE.

NOW, INSIDE THE SATELLITE,

THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO WASTE

ONE INCH OF SPACE,

BECAUSE IT'S GO UMPTEEN INSTRUMENTS.

NOW, MEN HAVE TO MOUN THESE INSTRUMENTS

INSIDE THE SATELLITE

IN SOME PRETTY CLOSE QUARTERS.

ORDINARY MEN ARE HAVING

AN AWFUL LOT OF TROUBLE

SQUEEZING IN THERE

AND DOING ALL THIS WORK

IN THOSE ITTY-BITTY PLACES.

SO THEY'RE HIRING MIDGETS

TO DO THE WORK.

WELL, THEN WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

A-A MISPRINT?

I SUPPOSE SO.

THEY SAID "WIDGETS,"

AND THEY MEANT "MIDGETS."

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET OVER

ON THAT LITTLE OLD PHONE

AND YOU READ:

THAT LITTLE OLD PARAGRAPH

TO ALL THE PEOPLE

ON YOUR LITTLE OLD LIST.

HENRY, DO YOU REALLY

THINK THAT --

HONEY, I DON'T WANT YOU

TO TELL A LIE.

I WANT YOU TO TELL

THE TRUTH,

AND THE TRUTH IS THAT MODERN

TECHNIQUES AND COMMUNICATIONS

PRINTED THE STATEMEN THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

45. I'LL BET WIDGET MAKES 60

BY THE FIRST OF THE MONTH.

OUR GIRL PICKED A WINNER.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

I PICKED IT.

BUT SHE DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB

WITH IT.

HEY, LOOK AT THAT.

WHITBY, IF IT HITS 50,

TAKE OUT THE PAPER TOWELS

AND BRING BACK:

THE LINEN SERVICE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ BELL CHIMES ]

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ BELL CHIMES ]

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

WILL YOU:

LOOK AT THIS, BOSS?!

"WIDGET TO ENTER

MIRACLE DRUG FIELD."

YEAH.

WELL, VANSON, YOU MAY BE

ON TO SOMETHING.

WELL, THE WAY THAT STOCK'S

BEEN GOING UP:

IS LITTLE TOO SPECTACULAR

FOR ME.

[ LAUGHS ]

- ALL RIGHT.

PUT THE SURVEILLANCE SQUAD ON I AND GIVE ME A DAY-BY-DAY REPORT.

RIGHT, BOSS.

I'LL LAY ODDS

SOMEBODY'S KITING THAT STOCK.

YOU KNOW,

THAT DEDUCTION WE GO FROM THE APPRAISED VALUE

OF THEM EXPRESSIONISTS

IS GONNA RUN OVER 10 CENTS

TO THE DOLLAR.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I FIGURED IT CLOSER TO 12.

OH, HENRY'S BEEN A REAL GOOD

BUDDY TO US THIS YEAR.

HE EVEN MADE US MONEY

ON THAT RESTAURANT, TOO.

YEAH, THAT'S WHA I'VE BEEN THINKING.

OLD HENRY'S DONE WELL BY US,

AND WE OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING

FOR HIM.

WELL, YOU CAN' GIVE HIM ANYTHING.

HE DON'T WANT TO OWN

A THING.

LEASES EVERYTHING

SO HE CAN DEDUCT IT.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes