This Is 40 Page #6

rather have me around

for less years and I'm incredibly

happy, than longer and miserable?

Yes, and I just

realized that right now.

Go get the cookie.

I'm getting the cookie.

Go get the cookie.

Ow!

Should we watch porn

when we eat the cookie?

Yeah. Should we

get a block of porn?

I don't think we

need 24 hours of porn.

But you know, two porns costs just

about as much as a 24-hour block.

I think that's too much porn.

We don't have to watch it all, but

for the value, it makes sense.

How much are we

supposed to eat?

I don't know. I think six

or seven cookies, right?

Plus, it's old, it probably

has lost some of its...

Potency.

We should have sex more.

I mean, girls have it so easy.

You just show up with your sexual

organs and you're good to go.

All the pressure is on the guy.

It's true.

And I look at guys... Like, I

look at a guy like Prince,

and you know that guy fucks.

Yeah.

I know I don't f*** like Prince.

Uh-uh.

Prince can f***.

Uh-huh.

I f*** like David Schwimmer.

You do.

You know, I f***

like Ross from Friends.

Mmm.

Looks good.

How does he do it?

The floating spoon.

Check it out.

It's my dick and balls.

Oh, my God.

I don't eat my own dick.

I ate my dick!

Kelly, I think

this room has rodents.

There! Just saw it.

Have you seen my starfish?

Where did I put my starfish?

My God.

I'm gonna deep

throat this clair.

I wanna make out

with you so bad.

I felt like I was gonna choke!

That was nice.

Mom, Charlotte's crying

because she's got

an ear infection again.

I didn't know what to do.

We're home.

Are you okay?

What's the matter?

I wanna rip my ear off,

it hurts so much.

I told you that pediatrician didn't

know what he was talking about.

Come on, you can't

blame it on our doctor.

Ear infections are

common in little kids.

Not in kids over six years old.

We're going to

the Eastern doctor.

If she's in this much pain, then

we should call a real doctor.

Are you kidding right now?

I know. Okay. Yup.

What we should do

is easy and simple.

No more dairy, no more

wheat, no more sugar.

Sugar, wheat and dairy.

Okay. Yeah.

What the f*** is left?

Sorry.

Isn't everything sugar,

wheat, and dairy?

She can have

vegetables and fruits.

Oh, but she can eat fruits.

Fruits. Yeah.

Any kind of fruit?

Mangos, pineapple.

It isn't, there are safe fruits

and then there are unsafe fruits?

No, no.

What about French fries?

Could we do something like that?

Are you okay?

Would you like to come on the table?

I'm okay, I'm...

Why don't you go on the table?

I don't wanna go on the table.

No. It looks like you

need to get on the table.

I don't wanna get on the table.

Pete!

God damn it.

What are you doing?

I need you to look at

something. In my butt.

Why?

I think I got

something in there,

and I'm not

limber enough to see.

I need you to look

at it, all right?

I think I might have an anal fissure, or

a hemorrhoid, or a worm or something.

What are you

doing with your phone?

I'm trying to take pictures of it so I

can compare it to something on Google.

Can we just keep

just a small shred of mystery

in our relationship, please?

Look, I saw you

have two babies, okay?

Seriously, I need you

to get up all in that.

I do not want to

investigate your anus.

Payback time.

It's a hemorrhoid.

Thank you.

Now, erase that

from your memory.

Where'd she get those clothes?

Those are expensive clothes.

Think. Where do you think?

I don't want

this to sound harsh,

but everything that comes out

of her mouth is a lie.

Everything that

goes into it is a dick.

Everything that

goes in is d*cks?

A dick.

Don't say that.

I'm sorry. I'm just being

protective of the store.

I'm going to go talk to her.

Hey, Desi.

Hi.

Hi.

Is that your new

Acura out front?

Uh, yeah.

It's so nice.

Do you love it?

I mean, it's not a f***ing

Porsche, but it'll do for now.

Huh.

Hey, Desi,

would you mind wearing

some of the clothes that

we have in the store?

Yes. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Will that be okay?

Yeah.

Perfect.

Good?

You know, I actually

made this one myself.

Did you?

Yeah.

The tiger, I did it on a piece

of paper separately,

and then I actually

transferred it to the T-shirt.

Wow.

So, you stenciled on the tiger?

I drew it on

a piece of paper and then

I transferred

the drawing to the T-shirt.

You have an amazing body.

Really?

Yes. Are those real?

My b*obs?

Yeah.

Yeah. Do you wanna

touch them?

Really?

Touch them.

Okay.

Wow.

Huh.

Jesus.

I mean, they really are amazing.

That's firm, for real.

They're like a memory mattress.

It's, wow, like

Tempur-Pedic, you know?

They look amazing.

My kids just sucked

the meat right out of mine.

No.

Yeah.

There's some meat in there.

My b*obs are just gone. Since I

had kids, my b*obs are just gone.

They didn't even say goodbye, you know?

They just left.

By the time I'm 40, these are gonna

go National Geographic on me.

I feel bad about

myself right now.

I think this is a

really good offer on the house.

We expected more.

I know it's a bad market,

but that's still way under

what we were looking for.

I know, but based on what the market's

like, it's like you're gaining money,

because it's so much

more than what you deserve.

But these people are from Iran

and they don't really know that

they're offering too much.

Is there any chance

that Debbie will go for it?

I doubt it.

I mean, I don't know.

There's a lot of

inventory out there.

I mean, what is her problem?

She has

unrealistic expectations.

I'm faster than you!

We're Jewish!

Hey! Did you miss me, Travis?

It's Jack.

Hey, Jack.

My daddy doesn't know my name!

Okay, come on, let's go.

Can I go show them my

crystals before they leave?

Yeah, really quick.

It's all right with me.

Elevator down!

Okay. Go play with

your tiny uncles.

- Let's play murder!

- Yeah. Let's go.

So, what are you doing?

Spring cleaning?

I'm getting rid of everything in the

house that has gluten or sugar.

Why? What's wrong

with gluten?

Gluten's really bad for you.

I don't think so.

It's wheat.

Don't you watch Dr. Oz?

As in, "The Wizard of"?

Hey, Mom, we were wondering if we

can use the computer to iChat?

Remember the rules?

Yeah, but I have a friend over.

Hi, Wendy. Yeah, I know.

Why don't you guys go play?

You could go build a fort!

Hey, remember the Alamo?

Have you ever

built a fort, Wendy?

Like, on Facebook?

I will take this if you're

gonna throw it away,

because at our house,

we're wheat-eaters.

But don't you want to live long

enough to see your kids grow up?

That's up to God, honey.

No, but that's really

not good for the kids.

Eh, the kids eat grass,

this is fine.

Wendy's mom lets her go on

whenever she wants.

Yeah, my mom's

pretty cool about it

as long as

I finish my homework.

Yeah.

Well, I guess

I'm not the cool one,

but the rules are just

different in our house.

Well, I get better

grades than Wendy.

She does. She's so smart.

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