This Is 40 Page #9

I was just really enjoying

you being so nice to me.

I hope this doesn't

come off as super-cheesy,

but I think you're

a very rare find.

Thank you.

And I would totally

"do sex" with you.

That was spectacular, guys.

Really well done. Amazing.

Thank you.

Good, good.

Hey, Graham.

Pete. How are you, man?

Well, the first numbers

came in.

Yeah, right, yeah.

Happy? How's it looking?

About half of your last record.

Ah. So, you were

expecting it to sell?

They never sell anymore. They

used to sell, but now they don't.

I'm not a sexy

But I wanted to sell it.

It's such a good record.

I feel like I let you down.

No, I'm gonna be fine, man.

My overheads are so low.

I just got a song in Glee.

The guy in the wheelchair is gonna

sing it to the Asian girl, I believe.

I don't know, I've never seen the

show, but that's what I'm told.

The secret is, make sure

you have a small nut.

That's the key to life.

Graham, I don't have

small nuts, all right?

I have big nuts and I

need to provide for them.

Graham!

Hey, what's up?

Billie!

Graham, how are you doing, man?

Great f***ing show, man.

Good to see you.

Thank you.

F***.

Yeah, I'm inspired.

I want to write

a f***ing song right now.

Inspired.

Yeah.

That inspires me.

Let's go get a drink.

Let's get a drink.

All right. You coming?

No, no, I'm fine.

You guys go.

Congratulations on Glee.

Oh!

Yes, thank you.

All right.

See you, Pete.

All right. So long, guys.

Later.

Yeah, yeah.

You got a song on Glee?

Yeah.

That's killer, man.

That's so much money.

It's great.

It's good for all of us.

Why did you put that

guy's teeth in your mouth?

That's so gross.

I was drunk.

He was dirty.

No, he was wearing a tie.

That's true.

He wasn't dirty.

When I kissed him, I felt his little

tiny teeth nubs with my tongue.

You did?

Yeah.

It was like kissing a baby.

French-kissing a baby.

Can I ask you something stupid?

Uh-huh.

Do you know why we're

missing money at the store?

Are you guys missing money?

Yeah. Like, $12,000.

Do you think that I took it?

No. I mean...

Well, no.

I did and I don't now.

It's not me.

Why do you live in such a nice

apartment and have such a fancy car?

Yes, you're right.

Um... Look...

lam an escort.

I get paid to go out on dates.

You...

Oh.

But only three to

five times a year.

Ten times, max.

But it's not technically prostitution,

because I don't have to sleep with them.

Oh, well, that's good.

But I always do.

That's why I only do it

four to eight times a year.

Fifteen times, max.

Huh.

One year, I did it 20.

Well, as long as

you think it's safe.

It's safe.

I only do it 10

to 30 times a year.

So, who do you

think is stealing money?

It's f***ing Jodi.

No.

Yeah.

She's a pilled-out whore.

Huh.

Since you told me,

I want to tell you something.

You're pregnant.

How'd you know?

Wow.

Maybe you should tell Pete.

You didn't tell Pete yet?

I haven't told Pete.

Why?

I don't know why.

I just want him to want me.

I don't want him to want me

because I'm pregnant.

Go home and

f***ing suck his dick

and tell him then,

and he will love it.

You think?

He'll be so excited.

Or even better yet...

Better yet,

you should tell him while you're

sucking his dick, like...

"I'm pregnant."

What are you doing?

Um, returning some emails.

What time do you

have to go to work?

Like, 10 minutes ago.

Do you wanna be late?

No, I can't be late, not today.

Do you see me standing

here in front of you,

half-naked?

Yeah.

And does that

make you feel anything, or...

Come on. Are you

trying to start a fight?

No, I'm not trying

to start a fight with you.

I'm trying to f*** you.

Oh, God, you know what?

Today, of all days,

is the day you need to

cut me a break, all right?

Whatever.

Oh, God.

What?

I didn't realize

it was intentional.

I didn't say anything because I

didn't want you to be embarrassed.

I thought I was being gallant.

All right, fine.

I'm an a**hole.

God.

You know what your problem is?

You're never,

ever in the moment.

You're never, ever present.

You're never in your body.

That's not true. I am in the moment.

You know how I know?

I want to get

the f*** out of the moment.

I swear, I can't win with you.

I just can't do it.

You can't just walk away.

Oh, God.

Hey! How's the record

company going, Pete?

What? Not great.

I'm still waiting

for numbers to come in.

What have you heard?

A couple numbers

have trickled in.

It's lower than we expected.

Then why are you

giving Larry money?

What?

I know everything.

I talked to the accountant.

You know what? I don't wanna

get into some nasty fight

so can we please

talk to each other

the way the therapist told us

to talk to each other?

Fine. Fine.

It makes me feel sad

when you are dishonest.

I understand it makes you feel bad

when I am dishonest with you.

It hurts my feelings when

you treat me with contempt

and corner me, and try

and trick me into lying.

Okay.

It makes me sad when it's so

easy to trick you into lying,

because you're

such a lying sh*t-bag.

That's not... You can't do

that, you can't do that.

The therapist said you're

not allowed to judge me.

That's not a judgment,

that's just a fact.

Fair enough.

Sometimes I withhold truth,

that is true.

But it's only because

I'm scared to death

of your crazy-assed,

illogical overreactions.

Well...

It hurts me

inside and triggers me

when you're such

a dishonest sh*t,

that you're lending your father

money without telling me

while your record

company's going bankrupt

and we're on the verge

of losing our f***ing house!

What else are you lying about?

I've taken

Viagra for two years.

I ate six muffins

downstairs a while ago

and my

cholesterol level is 305.

My heart could

explode at any second.

These might be my

very last words.

Oh, and I gave Charlotte antibiotics

when you weren't looking.

That's why her ear got better.

So, go f*** your witch doctor.

What are we even doing?

What are we doing?

This is not making me happy.

You're not happy.

You don't like me.

I can feel that.

I'm not blind.

Jesus.

We're like business associates.

We're like brother and sister.

There's no passion there.

We're not like brother and sister.

You know what we're like?

We're like Simon and Garfunkel

and, somehow,

you turned me into Garfunkel.

I don't even know

what that means.

Art Garfunkel.

What's wrong with Art Garfunkel?

He has a beautiful voice.

He's got an amazing voice! He

could put a harmony to anything!

But what I'm saying is that

you turned me into him.

What the hell are

you talking about?

Simon controls him!

That's because Simon

writes the f***ing songs!

He's the better one!

You know what? I see the

way you look at our kids.

You have so much

love and compassion for them.

You never look at

me like that. Ever.

Would we even still be together

if I didn't get

pregnant 14 years ago?

You know what? I'm not

gonna go down that road.

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