Tomcats Page #3

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You're allergic to dogs.

How about cats? Maybe a hamster?

Maybe a hamster.

Baby, I got exactly what you need.

Let's go. Over here. Let's go.

You're under arrest, you sick f***.

I wasn't soliciting prostitution.

I swear to God, I wasn't.

You know what they do to pedophiles

in the joint?

Not to mention hamster f***ers.

I wasn't Looking for a hooker

or a hamster! I was Looking for you.

I was Looking for Natalie Parker.

How do you know her name?

We were at a wedding once,

a long time ago.

And you hooked up with a friend

of mine, Kyle Brenner.

Doesn't ring any bells.

What do you want with her?

It's stupid. It was a bad idea.

Can I please just apologize and go?

I want to hear it.

I go to Vegas. There's this redhead.

I play craps. I lose all my money.

Get to the point, Delaney.

I'm in a lot of trouble.

Some buddies of mine and I have a bet.

Last bachelor standing wins.

The pot is huge. Half a million.

And I need this money.

I mean, I really need this money.

I just thought....

It's stupid, but--

What? You thought what?

I just thought that....

Kyle talks about you like you

were the one that got away.

Like you were his last chance

at true love.

I just thought that getting

the two of you together...

...something would rekindle.

You guys would get married and I'd win

the money. Everybody wins.

That was the most pathetic f***ing

sh*t I have ever heard.

That hamster story was better

than that crap.

What made you think I'd agree to it?

I don't even remember this guy Karl.

- Kyle.

- Whatever.

Kyle Brenner.

You're right. I'm sorry.

It was stupid.

I'm sorry.

It's your call, detective.

Cut him loose.

Hi, yes. I'm here. Hi.

I was wondering if I could

increase my limit to...

...I don't know, 51 ,000 dollars.

Yes, yes, I know.

Carlos did?

No. I have no intentions

of cutting up my card.

No, do not send someone over

to do it for me!

This Carlos runs a very tight ship.

Coming. Let me just throw

something on.

Okay. One more sec. Who is it?

I've done some checking.

Kyle's rich.

Why don't you ask him for a loan?

I tried. He doesn't lend

people money.

How did you find me?

Michael. Cop. Remember?

Some place you got here.

Got anything to drink?

I bet I'm the only guy you know who's

had all of his beverages repossessed.

Here. Pour this.

Patrn. Classy.

What are you wearing?

I was on hold for a very long....

Anyway, I don't really feel the need

to dress up for these repo guys.

I've thought about your idea.

I want to do it.

But we split the bet money 50-50.

Sure. Yeah.

This is great. This is terrific.

Actually...

...there is one little problem.

You kind of have to marry Kyle...

...within 30 days.

No problem.

I want to do to Kyle

what he did to me.

What do you mean?

You do remember Kyle?

Of course I do.

We hooked up at Max's wedding.

That Little sh*t told me everything

I wanted to hear...

...and then abandoned me on the PCH...

...with nothing more than a roll of

quarters to call a cab.

Nice memory for a girl's first time?

I was kind of hoping for "love will

prevail," but you know what?

Hate will do just fine.

Sorry! Sorry about that.

The first thing we have to do is

get to know our prey.

Precisely what kind of girls

he likes.

- Be careful. This is expensive.

- I'm sorry. It's heavy.

Hand me the night-spectrum

spotting scope.

I think we left that in the car.

Then just hand me a pair

of binoculars.

Long time no see, Kyle.

The guy has pleather furniture.

What kind of loser has pleather

furniture?

Beats me.

A stewardess. How clich.

Subject likes brunettes.

Prefers subservient women in uniform.

Let me see. Quit hogging them.

It's my turn. Give me.

This is so cool.

This is better than cable.

Quiet!

God, I never had a stewardess.

I think they're leaving.

It'd be cool to get some audio.

We will. Give me five minutes.

My God, this girl is Wonder Woman.

I'm terrified, yet strangely aroused.

Take that robe off. Aren't you hot?

No, no. I'm good, I'm good.

- You guys want to come over tonight?

- I can't. I got a date.

With who? That stewardess?

Did I tell you about the stewardess?

Yeah, great tits. I believe you

had sex with her.

Yeah. All night long.

But this one's better.

- Why is that?

- Shoot some sticks.

She's a cosmetics counter girl.

If I ever get married, it'll be

to a cosmetics counter girl.

- Why a cosmetics counter girl?

- Grill some steaks and....

They're the perfect woman. They'll

always smell good and wear makeup.

They're not too ambitious.

And they won't be a damn

feminist b*tch...

...keeps her own name when you marry.

- Like my mother?

- Yeah, exactly.

Let's get out of here.

- Mike, you coming along?

- No, I'm good. I'm good.

I'll stay and get a good sweat going.

- Take care of yourself.

- Yeah.

I'll catch up with you guys.

Gotcha.

This is my favorite group.

You hear that?! Yeah!

It came in stereo.

This is a system. Oh, yeah!

You hear that bass?! Good, right?!

You want more?!

Stakeout.

Right. Sorry.

Is that me?

Yeah, but I draw all my friends.

- It is me. Let me see.

- No, really.

It's very rough. It's very rough.

Let go.

Thank you.

Nice ass.

These are really good.

Have you ever tried to sell these?

It's pretty hard to start your

own comic strip.

There's our boy.

Where is he? Tell me.

Come on back here. I see you.

Jackass. I'll sic

the National Guard on you.

Oh, man. I learned my lesson.

No more two-story houses.

Subject hates two-story houses.

Here. Got you something.

These will go with

my horny devil socks.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

So, what's our man up to?

Trying on underwear.

So you hungry?

I think I just lost my appetite.

Have some sushi.

Oh, no, no. I don't do sushi.

What?

- I've always hated sushi.

- Everybody Likes sushi.

Not me.

All right, you're going to try sushi.

Yeah. Try sushi.

- It disgusts me. Really.

- Open your mouth.

Toot-toot! Open your mouth.

Good boy.

There you go.

There you go, sport.

You're a fun date, aren't you?

I told you I hate sushi.

I guess so.

This was a good idea.

Yeah, I agree.

You're Looking cute.

You vixen.

Subject likes brunettes.

Prefers subservient women in uniform.

My God, this girl is Wonder Woman.

I'm terrified, yet strangely aroused.

You hear guys talking about

having blue balls.

I'll tell you, the last couple of

weeks...

...I f*** and I f*** and I can't

get any relief.

Hold on. I gotta take a break.

I ate some raw fish.

Please, give me one second.

Do you like it better...

...when a girl makes the first move on

you or when you do?

Dude. Honestly?

I don't give a rat's ass.

I guess I Like to be surprised.

What exactly do you mean by surprise?

Oh, dude. Oh, my God.

Last week, I'm doing this girl

in the back seat of her daddy's car.

Catholic schoolgirl's uniform.

The whole nine yards, man.

She drinks too much. She's sick, so

she hangs her head out the window...

...and just commences to puking.

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