Tomcats Page #5

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I'll take that.

l have always loved books.

And so I started studying library

science at Luther College and....

Oh, I'm sorry. I've been going on

and on and on about myself all night.

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

It's such a treat when you meet

a woman who's so honest and direct.

- You're making me blush.

- You're sweet.

Golly, stop it.

This is me.

It was nice to meet you, Jill.

Oh, thank you.

It was really sweet of you to Let me

pick the restaurant out tonight.

Oh, please, I love sushi.

Good night.

Good night.

I was wondering....

I mean, this isn't how I--

Gosh.

Golly, I'm tongue-tied tonight.

It's okay. You can say it.

Would you Like to come in?

Oh, no, it's way too late.

Okay.

- Nice place.

- Thank you.

Four-H ribbons, cool.

That's a big cock.

Grammy.

Grammy, hello.

Grammy, I'd Like you to meet

my friend Michael.

This is Grammy.

She was a librarian too.

Hello, young man.

Would you two kids Like a nightcap?

Sure.

I hope you Like hot butterscotch

toddies. They're Jill's favorite.

Mine too.

This is amazing.

It's Like your granddaughter

and I are on the same wavelength!

It's spooky!

You want to go upstairs?

Sweet dreams, Grammy.

Night, peanut.

I think I could really care for you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Hold on, one second.

I see the tables have turned.

What are you doing?

Trust me.

Ow! Jesus!

You can take it.

I don't know if I want to take it.

You've been a bad, bad boy.

No, no. I haven't.

I've been a very good boy.

You had an overdue Library book.

This is a Little unexpected.

Call me mistress,

you disgusting Little worm.

You said it.

We're on the same wavelength.

All that wavelength stuff,

to be honest with you...

...I said that to get you into bed.

That is not very nice.

In fact, that is downright naughty.

I've been a bad boy. Very bad.

I'm sorry. I think I should go home

and think about what I've done.

That's right. You should think Long

and hard about what you did.

You naughty boy.

What is that?

You piece of slime.

What is this?

Okay! Look at the time.

It's getting Late.

I should be heading home.

It's really way past my bedtime.

I know you'd probably love to have me

hang around so you can...

...beat the ever-living sh*t

out of me!

I really should go home

Please Let me go home.

Please, can I go home?

I know about boys Like you.

You don't take books seriously.

Yes, I do.

I take books very seriously.

Meow.

So you don't respect books.

I love books.

You break their bindings.

You doodle in their margins.

That's right. You are a doodlebug.

I'm not a doodlebug.

That's what you are.

Just a Little, dirty bug.

The Scarlet Letter.

Great inspiration in those pages.

It's an excellent choice.

One whack for every day overdue.

I don't know.

I'm just not feeling it.

Something's missing.

Here's Grammy!

That's it. No more redheads.

No more redheads, ever.

God!

- You really Like this girl?

- Natalie?

Man, I'm telling you.

She's the best.

- Isn't it time you moved on?

- No way, dude.

This girl really knows

how to turn me on.

You find anything down there?

Feel my Left nut.

Are you out of your mind?

No, no, man. It's Like

the size of a baseball.

Good for you. I'm not touching it.

This other one's fine.

But this one feels Like

a cantaloupe or something.

Must be those blue balls

you mentioned.

Feel it. Tell me what you think.

I think I'm about to kick your ass!

Come on. Dude. Mike.

Mike, come on!

A real pal'd feel my balls.

We were showering.

And I looked down...

...and my Left nut is the size

of an Easter egg.

What do you want me to do about it?

I want your professional opinion.

You want me to grope your balls?

Just the Left one.

Mike wouldn't do it.

Come on, you're a doctor.

Feel his balls.

I'm a proctologist, not a urologist.

You'll jam your fingers up his ass

but won't touch his balls?

- They're two different things!

- You went to medical school.

All right! Slow down!

Slow down!

I'll do it.

Thanks.

I need my nurse present.

Shirley, have my nurse

come in here, please?

She's in room 12 with your wife.

They've been back there for about

a half an hour, at least.

Ah, shitballs!

Harder. Do it harder.

I finally caught you, you dirty--

Steve, you finish that sentence,

and I swear to God I'll call a lawyer.

We better go with two on this one.

Jesus.

This is huge.

Like a kumquat.

What does it mean?

Beats me.

I won't beat around

the dance floor, Mr. Brenner.

It's cancer.

Oh, Jesus.

It's only in the one testicle.

We'll run more tests

after we remove it.

- You mean, remove the cancer?

- No, Mr. Brenner.

I mean, remove the testicle.

If I don't remove it, you could die.

How painful a death

are we talking about?

Let me give it to you straight.

The affected region is too close to

the spine to give you any anesthesia.

So we plan to make

a gash in the abdomen.

Reach down, yank the scrotum up

into the abdominal cavity...

...and saw off the testicle.

There's a 40 percent chance...

...we're going to have to

amputate the penis.

Oh, God!

Had you going.

That is why I love this job.

It's painless. The procedure

takes about an hour.

Okay. So will I still be able to...?

- You know?

- Play the trombone?

No, I mean, with girls. Will I--?

Can I still...?

Oh, ride the one-eyed hoagie.

Of course you can, son.

However, I recommend to most of my

patients before this procedure...

...that they make a deposit

in the sperm bank...

...before the operation, just in case.

Just go on over, you know...

...give her a whack.

I don't want to do this.

I'm not asking you to go

in the room with me.

If you do it too,

I'll be more comfortable.

I mean, Look at this place.

It's completely professional, right?

We're here to make a deposit.

I really don't want to do this.

Sign these forms.

And fill these bottles.

So if I run into trouble back there...

...you'll give me a hand?

Never heard that one before.

You're in room seven,

and you're in room nine.

Come on.

Oh, Michael, you're the greatest.

Here you go.

Dude.

Dude!

I brought you a plant.

Oh, dude. Don't make me laugh.

Has Natalie been here all night?

She never Left my side.

She says this happened because I've

got too much karma in my genitals.

- How was it?

- It was all right.

Doc says the other rocket launcher's

good, so....

Come here. Come here.

Come here.

I want my ball.

Kyle, I understand that,

but Look on the bright side.

- You still have one healthy one.

- You don't understand.

I want to take it home with me,

and the nurses said I can't do that.

It's not a tooth, Kyle.

It belongs to me. I miss it.

Please. Get my nut.

It fell right on the floor.

- What? The kidney?

- Slipped from my hand, how embarrassing.

Mertle kicks it, it rolls

under the O.R. table...

...slides across the room.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Okay, come on. Come to papa.

Slippery Little guy. Got you.

I got to put this in something.

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