Top Five Page #4

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I know you can handle two b*tches!

If I hadn't been drinking all night,

I would have known

this was too good to be true. But...

Bring four, nigga! Bring four.

- Four b*tches?

- Four. Four. Four.

I tell you, if I had four b*tches,

I'd have one of 'em

braiding my motherfuckin' hair,

and the other motherfuckin'

doing my taxes!

Goddamn, nigga! Goddamn.

Is some smart hos out here.

Some of these hos are smart, nigga,

that's what I'm saying.

I seemed confident,

but that was the liquor talking.

H-town! Who the motherfuckin' man?

I mean, what you gotta understand is

even when you're a little famous,

and that's all I was, a little famous,

people lie and exaggerate to you

all the time.

I need to borrow $10,000, man, okay?

I'll never ask you for money again.

Dude, for only 50 grand,

we can control all the water

on the Internet.

Don't worry, I won't get pregnant.

My p*ssy's broken.

Anyway, I get back to the hotel

and get what I used to call

some "ho sleep."

That's that horrible sleep you get

when you think there's a chance

a ho might come over.

Hey, Andre.

Hey, wassup? I forgot about you two.

What you got poppin' up in here?

I can't wait for your show.

Bruce Bruce is so funny.

I'm friends with his wife's cousin.

Do you got a minibar?

Yeah, yeah, I got a minibar.

What y'all want?

Chicken fingers? Breakfast?

Jalapeno poppers?

Jalapeno poppers?

Okay, just let me call and see...

Chicken.

This is good.

They were wildin' at the club

when you left.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

You want some?

Room service is my jam.

- We got some more.

- What? I'm a...

We got whatever you need.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, honestly, I couldn't believe

God had blessed me

with these two angels.

Hey, do not disturb!

- Beat it.

- I don't need anything!

F***ing maids.

Well, well, well.

- What do we have here?

- Hey, hey.

Are you all doing a pillow fight?

That's my sh*t right there.

Oh, my God. Were you scared?

Yes, I was scared. I'm naked

and a man walks in the room

and starts undressing.

That look good, man.

Hey, let me get some of that.

- Hi, Jazzy.

- Hey, Jazzy.

My dick was gone,

it looked like a button on a mink coat.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah, daddy Dee's getting it!

Who the motherfuckin' man in Houston?

You're the motherfuckin' man!

You're the man. We love you.

Look at that tow truck.

Look at that tow truck.

Back that thing up on it.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

- Harder. Harder.

- Yeah.

Jazzy Dizzle. Gettin' it.

I wanted to run away, but I was naked.

Yeah.

How did you feel?

I was terrified.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, b*tch. Get your ass over here.

Me?

Coming, Daddy.

These girls that I thought were angels

two seconds ago,

are now the most disgusting things

I've ever seen.

Oh, yeah.

What'd the room smell like?

What did the room smell like?

What kind of question is that?

Come on.

Scared motherf***er, ass

and smoked ribs.

But the most disgusting part...

- No!

- Yes!

I think, I think I'm coming!

It was like Old Faithful.

It was just everywhere.

Like the garbage truck had to come

and lay salt to get rid of it.

So finally, they leave.

I assume it's to do coke.

You know, people get real stingy

with their coke.

Hey, wassup?

Where's Jazzy?

I don't know.

I thought you all went somewhere.

Yeah, right.

You don't know where

your best friend Jazzy's at?

Best friend?

Hey, I just met him today.

He's not really my best friend.

I mean, is something wrong?

Is there a problem?

Yeah, there's a f***ing problem.

Your best friend said

if we came over here and f***ed you,

we'd get $1,000.

$1,000? What the... Hey, hey, hey...

And now I cannot find his ass.

Hey, he ain't tell me sh*t,

and even if he did,

why would I pay you to f*** him?

I mean, I'm nasty, but I'm not a freak!

I don't care!

You better get us our money and soon,

or I'm gonna yell

"rape" up in this b*tch

and your ass is gonna go to jail!

Do you hear me?

- I ain't givin' y'all...

- Do you hear me?

I got nothing to do with Jazzy!

Rape!

I told you I'm the motherfuckin' man

in Houston, right?

If I didn't know that judge,

you might still be in there.

Look, I'm gonna drop

Dede off at practice,

then get you back to the hotel,

you get some rest.

I mean, after Houston,

I totally quit drinking.

From that point on,

I never had a drink again.

No donuts!

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

There it is,

let me be your prisoner of love.

- How about that?

- You know you need to back up.

Lock me up! Put the key in your bra!

Let me come and get it with my teeth!

Yeah, Charles.

It's just the matinees.

Hey, people are still at work.

It'll pick up tonight.

Look, I just walked in the jewelry store,

and I will check in with you later, okay?

Here you go.

- These aren't the rings.

- They're not?

I mean, those are the rings,

but there's an extra ring there.

Let me go get Michele.

I think she dealt with it.

- Hey, excuse me, sir. No, no, no.

- I just wanted...

Mr. Allen, hi.

Is there a problem with your ring?

Well, there's another ring there.

You're right.

I mean, we're just getting married,

we're not winning the Super Bowl.

Miss Long came by earlier this week and

added onto the order.

Added to the order?

Hammy!

Hey, yo, Hammy!

Hey, Hammy!

Let's go.

So, here are your lines.

The engineer will cue you

when he is ready.

You good?

You need a coffee or anything?

- No, I'm good.

- All right, great.

So,

are you okay now?

I saw you yelling on the phone earlier.

No, I'm fine.

What's on your mind?

Ask me a question. Interview me.

Get in my business.

That's what I'm trying to do.

What happened?

Okay. Let me ask you a question.

If a guy you loved

gave you a wedding ring,

a ring you said you've always wanted,

would you exchange it

because your boss told you to?

Why'd you change the rings

without talking to me?

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

I meant to tell you.

I've been so busy, I just forgot.

How does that make you feel?

I didn't say it was me,

I just said if a guy you loved...

So this guy I love...

Which ring did he get me?

The network, those jerks,

they just thought

they weren't camera-friendly enough,

and I would have never

allowed them to do it

if I thought there was

gonna be a problem.

She's a reality star.

Everything's for sale.

Everything's not for sale.

Okay! You ready?

What's up? This is Andre Allen

and when I listen to satellite radio,

I listen to Sirius Hits One.

That's... That's good, just...

Just make it a little funnier.

- Funnier?

- You're a funny guy.

Make it more funny.

Okay.

Hey, wassup, this is Andre Allen

and when I listen to satellite radio,

I listen to Sirius Hits One!

Just, you know, say...

Just put a little...

Put a little stank on it.

Stank?

Stank. Stank.

- Stank?

- Give it stank.

Okay, I don't really know

what you mean.

Could you show me?

You're the funny... I'm not...

Okay, all right. It's like...

Hey! This is Andre Allen,

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