Top Five Page #5

---

and when I listen to satellite radio...

I listen to Sirius Hits One!

It's a brand new movie.

- Uprize?

- Uprize. Uprize.

It's in theaters today.

You're playin' a Haitian revolutionary?

- This is a...

- Homosexuals.

- ...homosexual radio station.

- Yeah.

I just want to say, "What's up?"

to all my Haitian fans

that listen to Opie and Anthony.

First of all, who's going to believe

that Hammy the Bear

is a revolutionary out of Haiti?

Hammy's not in the movie.

They should let children out of school

to see this movie.

They should show it in school.

First hundred gay people

get three dollars off their tickets.

If you look at my comedy,

it was always serious.

Just prove your gayness...

- How do we prove we're gay?

- ...and we...

I have some... Some goat meat.

I brought you some Haitian food.

- Goat meat.

- Goat meat?

- Spaghetti with ketchup...

- What is...

...which Haitians actually

eat for breakfast.

- Really?

- Yes. This... This...

Sounds awful.

Yes, spaghetti with ketchup

is the Cheerios of Haiti.

Now, is there going to be

a Hammy the Bear 4?

I hate Hammy the Bear.

I gave you three Hammy the Bears.

I want people to take me serious.

I want people to stop

walking up to me on the street

and making bear sounds.

Andre, what do you have to say

to the white audience here

that is insulted, disgusted,

by your movie, watching 50,000

of their people being killed?

George Bush kills a lot of brown people.

Nobody had a problem with that.

It wasn't a movie.

He killed some...

Like, really killed them!

I fake-kill white people

and it's a problem.

There's outrage.

How many of these white people

actually die on screen?

Probably two, three thousand.

That's it, dawg?

- Stank.

- Stank.

Nice and funny. Go!

Wassup, motherfuckers?

This is motherfucking Andre Allen!

And when I listen to satellite radio,

or scratch my nuts, that is,

I listen to Sirius motherfucking 101,

biatch!

First take was good.

I was wrong on the stank note.

First take had a lot

of wonderful stuff in there.

I hope you're writing

nice things about me.

Let's go.

- What's up, dawg?

- Hammy!

Hammy, don't get brand new.

Hollywood. Hollywood!

Holly, hey, Holly! Hollywood! Get...

Get your ass over here!

Look at who's... Look who's slummin'!

Come here. Come here, boy!

Hollywood! Hollywood!

Roll out the red carpet. There it is.

Hollywood, come on, boy.

What you... I thought you'd be in L.A.,

you know, getting ready

for that big wedding.

I see commercials for it all the time.

Yeah, yeah, I'm in town

just doing some press for this movie.

I leave tonight.

Chelsea here is doing a story on me.

Hello.

So I see.

That's why you bring your ass

around here.

What, you telling her

how bad you had it?

Is that what it is?

Come on, man.

You're coming to the party, right?

Some people got to work.

I'll tell you what.

I'll come to your next bachelor party.

- It's not funny, man.

- Hey, tell me something.

Your next wife,

is she going to be white

or she gonna be Asian?

Still not funny, man.

It's only funny

when you say mean sh*t, right?

- You know what?

- What?

Imma get out of here.

I'll catch you later, okay?

Hey, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come here, come here. Come here.

Look, can you break me off

a little something?

I...

I haven't got my check...

Haven't cashed it yet.

Here.

Really?

Thanks.

I'll put it on your tab, okay?

Thanks, Hollywood.

Thank you, Hollywood!

Hey, nice meeting you.

Hey, don't you believe

a thing he says, okay?

Hollywood! Damn!

Who was that?

My father.

- Hammy!

- Yo, Hammy!

You don't even know what celibacy mean!

Oh, my gosh! Hi! Andre!

Yo! Look what the cat dragged in!

Yes!

- Akil, give your uncle a hug.

- Hey, man, what's up?

Sh*t, hide the liquor. God damn it!

Hide the liquor?

Look who's talking. Hide the crack.

Yo, homeboy,

well, that wasn't necessary, man.

That was the '80s.

Either you was using or you was selling.

Either way, you got swept up in it.

Hey, man, I'm being nice. I didn't

mention that five grand you owe me.

When I get my income tax check,

you're gonna get yours off top, my man.

You know what,

you gotta have a income first

before you get a check.

You can't tax zero.

Is this Come Down On Fred Day?

Yeah, he's allergic to jobs.

He takes job Benadryl. Just take it.

When he feel a job coming on,

he just take a Benadryl.

Hey, everybody, this is Chelsea Brown.

She's doing a story on me

for The New York Times.

Now, she's gonna ask a few of y'all

some questions. Feel free to answer.

But remember, no snitching!

You must be out your mind!

We're gonna tell all his sh*t.

You want me to be quiet, you gotta

clear the five thousand, my man.

I said five thousand to be nice.

When it come to me, baby girl,

I'm gonna turn over like a apple pie.

You know what, you just ate a apple pie,

you fat motherf***er. Shut up!

Can I say something?

Jealousy will get y'all nowhere!

I watch Erica's show every week.

I can't wait to see the wedding.

When you gonna bring her around here?

Soon.

That's what you said last time.

And you know what,

I'm still waiting on my invitation.

Hey. I'm not in charge

of the guest list. Okay?

I'm just the groom.

I'm not in charge of all this stuff.

Tell the truth. Tell the truth.

That b*tch don't like me.

No, she likes you. She asks about you.

She asks about me?

She asks about you all the time.

What does she say?

She say, "How your big friend doing?"

My big...

Is that what that b*tch think about me?

I'm big like that? For real?

I'm just saying.

That's that Hollywood sh*t, Andre!

That's that Hollywood sh*t!

I'm just playing. I'm just playing.

Why I ain't got my invitation?

Well, 'cause...

'Cause they figure we could,

you know... The hotel...

Andre, you're full of sh*t right now.

And the airfare.

Everybody's coming to

the bachelor party, right?

I want to, but General Tao over here...

I said no, 'cause he don't know how

to come home and sh*t, making it rain...

We need our f***ing ones.

Put that down and have a f***ing seat.

I mean, come on,

there's gonna be a TV crew there.

Erica picked out everything.

They're even giving out gift bags.

Gift bags? Nigga, kill yourself.

What's wrong, man?

What's wrong with a gift bag?

They got lots of cool sh*t in there.

Nigga and gift bags.

- He's a corny-ass nigga.

- All right.

I got another five grand. What you got?

Can I get one of them gift bags?

Hey, bro-bro, check this out.

I got the new jawn. The 2016 jawn.

It's real light. Matter of fact,

if you take it off, you won't even sweat.

I can take yours off, too,

if you want me to.

Nah, that's okay, but thanks.

Nigga, put your bracelet back on!

I don't want the cops running in here!

Me? I was there first time

he got on stage.

- How was he?

- He sucked.

Nothing about him was funny.

He was like a bag of dead kittens.

Son, when Nas focus,

he better than Jay, man, I'm sorry.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes