Topsy-Turvy Page #11

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You was late, Mr 'Urley.

My profuse apologies to you, sir.

Thank you.

I assumed it to be an error | on the part of the copyist.

The second beat | of the previous bar appeared...

...to me to be masquerading | as the first beat of the next.

Most alarming! But it was not.

Oh, indeed not, for which I do apologise, | Doctor Sullivan.

Mr Hurley, once again - | saving your blushes, maestro -

...Dr Sullivan is dead. Long live Sir Arthur.

Thank you, Mr Cellier.

- Mr Tripp. | - Sir?

Owing to the somewhat | tardy entry of Mr Hurley...

...you, quite understandably, | followed suit.

Absolutely, sir.

So assuming that Mr Hurley "does" enter | at the correct place, you will too.

- Assuming he does, sir, I will, sir. | - Very good.

- Thank you, Mr Tripp! | - Thank you, sir.

- Capital! Er, gentlemen...

...once more from the beginning, please. | I shall give you one bar.

# A more humane Mikado never

# Did in Japan exist

# To nobody second I'm certainly | reckoned a true philanthropist

# It is my very humane endeavour

# To make, to some extent

# Each evil liver

# A running river

# Of harmless merriment

# My object all sublime

# I shall achieve in time

# To let the punishment fit the crime

# The punishment fit the crime

# And make each prisoner pent

# Unwillingly represent

# A source of innocent merriment

# Of innocent merriment

# The advertising quack

# Who wearies with tales | of countless cures

# His teeth, I've enacted

# Shall all be extracted | by terrified amateurs

# The music-hall singer attends a series

# Of masses and fugues and ops

# By Bach interwoven | with Spohr and Beethoven

# At classical Monday pops

# The billiard sharp | whom anyone catches

# His doom's extremely hard

# He's made to dwell in a dungeon cell

# On a spot that's always barred

# And there he plays extravagant matches

# In fitless fingerstalls

# On a cloth untrue

# With a twisted cue

# And elliptical billiard balls

# My object all sublime

# I shall achieve in time

# To let the punishment fit the crime

# The punishment fit the crime

# And make each prisoner pent

# Unwillingly represent

# A source of innocent merriment

# Of innocent merriment

# His object all sublime

# He will achieve in time

# To let the punishment fit the crime

# The punishment fit the crime

# And make each prisoner pent

# Unwillingly represent

# A source of innocent merriment

# Of innocent merriment

Did I say come in?

You are required in the auditorium, | Mr Grossmith.

I requested five minutes' grace.

You've had eight, sir.

- Mayn't it wait until tomorrow? | - No, sir.

Thank you, Miss Braham.

Is that everyone, Seymour?

- All present and correct, Mr Gilbert. | - Good.

I won't keep you, ladies and gentlemen.

We're all extremely tired | and looking forward to our beds.

Observations. The use of fans, | particularly in Act One...

...was flabby and erratic.

- Very scrappy. | - Indeed, D'Auban.

We shall address this tomorrow afternoon | at two o'clock, Seymour.

Two of the clock.

Ko-Ko's entrance. | Mr Kent and Mr Cunningham.

Please ensure that you do not flinch | at Mr Grossmith's sword.

You must have confidence that | he is not about to chop off your heads.

Even if it may appear | that that is your inevitable fate.

I take it, Mr Grossmith...

...that today's performance | was an aberration.

Grossmith!

I beg your pardon, sir. | Were you addressing me?

I was indeed, sir. How are you?

Quite well, thank you.

I believe a good night's sleep | will cure all ills.

That I took to be the case.

Your performances were, | on the whole, promising.

Which is more than can be said, | alas, for that of the sliding doors.

One of which might have | thought it was in Japan.

The other was labouring under the | delusion it was on holiday in Yorkshire.

- Where was the man? | - Rest assured, Mr Barker...

...that tomorrow night | he will be with us in Japan.

Capital.

Now. Cuts. There is only one.

In Act Two, the Mikado's song.

- I beg your pardon, Mr Gilbert? | - Yes, Miss Brandram.

Surely you can't mean Mr Temple's solo?

That is exactly what I mean.

- I do think that's a shame, sir. | - It's a dreadful shame.

Hear, hear.

- My dear Mr Gilbert. | - Temple.

I am fully aware that the standard of | my singing was not quite up to the mark.

Your singing was exemplary, Temple.

But I can assure you that once | I have mastered the leg business...

...I shall most certainly | be at liberty to serve the lyric.

I do apologise. | I have not made myself clear.

My decision to cut the song in no way | reflects upon your performance...

...which was fine in every respect.

Fault, if there is one, | lies in my obtuse decision...

...to write the thing in the first place.

I have nothing more to say. | Thank you very much. Sullivan?

Excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen.

If I might presume to take | a few more moments of your time.

I should like to thank | you all most passionately...

...for your tremendous hard work and | application during these last few weeks.

And if I may say so...

...the contribution of the chorus | was particularly fine.

I'm immensely proud of you all.

I do not wish to tempt the fates...

...but I feel that we will have | a great success.

I have nothing further to add.

Only remember...

... voce, voce, voce. Buonanotte a tutti.

Now then, young fella-me-lads.

The Terpsichore was | executed magnifiquely...

...notwithstanding the Topsy-Turvydom | befuddling Mr Ko-Ko's entrance.

Otherwise, | # In the sea, in the sea, in the sea...

...fans out on sea, not in. "Bonsoir."

Should any gent require a libation...

...I shall be shortly located | at The Coal Hole with Mr Johnny Ward.

Thank you, Johnny.

Excellent. "Bravissimi."

A splendid achievement.

Be confident...

...and may you have a good night's rest.

Miss Lenoir.

My thanks and congratulations to you all.

To hasten you to your slumbers, | cabs have been ordered...

...and will meet you at the stage door | as soon as you are ready.

Please share a cab with a neighbour. | Remember, we're not made of money.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

- I felt so terrible. | - Oh, so did I!

My heart broke for him. | I can't bear to see a man cry.

- Was he crying? | - He was crushed.

- Really sad. | - And he's so awfully funny!

Some people only come | to see Mr Temple perform.

My cousins are always asking about him. | They already have their tickets.

- They'll want their money back now! | - There are other people in this piece!

He's hardly in it now, though, is he?

- He's playing the Mikado. | - Thank you, Violet!

- Will you be long, Catherine? | - No, I shan't.

I wish we could do something.

There ain't. | Mr Gilbert's decided and that's that.

With Mr Gilbert, one never knows. | Particularly before a first night.

I suggest we get a good night's sleep.

Absolutely. I'm certainly off.

I think you should all | mind your own business.

- Good night! | - That was a little uncalled-for!

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