Topsy-Turvy Page #7

---

- Really? When was that? | - In '82, I think.

And who perpetrated the outrage, pray?

- Oh, merely the, er... English militia. | - Extraordinary.

Buon appetito.

Shall we indulge in another dozen?

- I rather think we ought, don't you? | - I think we might.

- Would you care for a second fish, Lely? | - No.

Or a veritable shoal, perhaps?

I've had an ample sufficiency, | thank you, my wee man.

I have an appointment | with Carte this afternoon.

- At what hour? | - Five o'clock.

Curious. | I shall be with him at half past four.

That's funny. I don't have | a meeting with him at four o'clock.

And it is my firm intention | to prise open his purse.

It will take a far stronger man | than you, Mr Barrington...

...to fulfil that Herculean labour.

What's "your" mission, Captain Grossmith?

Oh, there are certain little matters.

I should like to offer you | an increase in salary.

- Oh? Indeed? | - Indeed.

- That's most benevolent of you. | - It's no less than you deserve.

Thank you. | And by how much, might one enquire?

By 7 1/2 per cent.

Mm.

7 1/2.

Now, that would work out at, er...

- 30 per week. | - 30! Mm.

I see. Well, 30 per week | wasn't quite the sum I had in mind...

...as I wended my weary way here.

Indeed?

That would be three productions | with a negligible increase.

I don't consider an increase | of two pounds per week...

...over 12 months negligible, George.

One might have thought | the name of George Grossmith...

...my not inconsiderable contribution...

...would have been | more favourably recognised.

You do receive considerably more | than anyone else.

- Do I? | - Mm.

We should be terribly sorry to lose you.

Gilbert has written you | a particularly fine part in the new piece.

Precisely! As one would expect.

However, I should judge an increase | of a paltry two pound per week...

...to be wholly unacceptable.

Not to mention mildly insulting, | if one may say so.

And what figure had you in mind, | Mr Grossmith?

Er...

Forgive me, I seem to have | lost my train of thought.

Are you unwell, George?

I fear I may have come over a bit queer.

- Most embarrassing. | - You must take a little brandy.

A little water clears us of this deed.

I blame Grossmith for this.

- Only Grossmith? | - Thank you, Helen.

Confounded glutton.

- Are you feeling better? | - I do beg your pardon.

- This is awfully embarrassing. | - Not at all, Rutty.

Now why don't we return | to the subject of your salary?

Oh, yes.

Well, I must declare that I'm rather | at a loss for words, D'Oyly.

- Excuse me.

Oh, I do beg your pardon.

This is a bally nightmare, damn it!

I shall be in my dressing room!

The more I see of men, | the more I admire dogs.

I'm soon to have a meeting...

...concerning the cast for the next opera. | - Yes, indeed.

I've heard a little rumour | that I might be playing the part...

...of a 14-year-old schoolgirl. | - Somebody's been telling tales.

They have indeed, Mr Carte!

Mr Gilbert will be very angry.

With reference to your engagement | for the opera...

...I have a great concern | about your little weakness.

I'm a little shocked, Mr Carte.

I really do believe that my behaviour | this last year has been exemplary.

I'm pleased to say | your tendency has improved...

...but I am concerned about the future.

Yes. | You're perhaps suggesting, Mr Carte...

...that I shan't be performing | in the next production.

Yes, I'm afraid I am.

But the outcome of that, Leonora, | is in your own hands.

Sometimes, Mr Carte, | I can be a very silly young woman.

You have an extraordinary talent.

It saddens me beyond measure | to see someone throw it away.

I assure you, Mr Carte, | that I shall be in tiptop form.

I'm very pleased to hear that.

Much relieved.

Do we have an understanding?

Yes, we do, Mr Carte.

Good.

# Charlie, Charlie

# War would not follow thee

# King of the Highland hearts

# Bonnie Prince Charlie

- Chop chop, Butt! How long do we have?

- Eight minutes, Mr Temple. | - Oh, jolly good.

- Shocking news from Khartoum. | - Indeed.

tout de suite.

Absolutely.

Mrs Temple hit the nail on the head, | as per usual.

Oh? What did she say?

"The nation loses a hero, | but the family loses a loved one."

- Ooh, how apt. | - Perspicacious woman is Mrs Temple.

Hat!

Consider this, my dear Butt.

Is it not the inevitable fate | of the professional soldier...

...that he may perish in battle? | - Indeed, sir.

But Dickie, have you heard | the "real" news of the day?

Yes, the Fenian bomb. Oh, dreadful.

No, Grossmith and Barrington.

- What? | - They're off tonight.

- Both of them? | - Yes.

- Why? | - Oysters.

- We shared luncheon. | - Did you swallow?

- No. I had sole. | - Off the bone?

- Yes. It was rather succulent. | - Wise man. Oysters can kill.

Unquestionably!

My aunt choked on a scallop | at Herne Bay.

- Really? | - Tragic.

Yes, they were away to see Carte.

- Oh, really? | - Mm.

- Will you be lobbying? | - No, I'll wait for my summons.

Quite right, dear boy.

One should not be rewarded | on one's ability...

...to ingratiate oneself | with the management.

Particularly when | the management have difficulty...

...locating the whereabouts | of the arse and the elbow!

Serves them both right.

Enter!

Five minutes, please, Mr Temple, Mr Lely.

- Merci, Crevette!

One, two, three, four.

# And so, although I'm ready to go

- Dolce!

- # Did I neglect to thus effect... | - Expansive!

- # So I object | - Good!

- # And so, although | - Rutty, temper your volume, please.

- # And greatly pine to brightly shine | - And now!

# With grief condign I must decline

# And go and show both friend and foe

# How much you dare, I'm quite aware

# It's your affair yet I declare

# I'd take your share but I don't

Bovill, that's very good, but...

...I've gone to great pain | to provide you with triplets.

- Triplets, Sir Arthur, yes. | - On his salary!

- Rutty, please. | - Apology.

Consequently, | if you would be so kind as to trip.

- Of course, Sir Arthur. | - One, two, three, four!

# And go and show both friend and foe

# How much you dare, I'm quite aware

# It's your affair yet I declare

# I'd take your share | but I don't much care

- Very much better. | - Thank you, Sir Arthur.

- The new man's doing awfully well. | - Quite splendid.

Breathe, Bovill, breathe!

- It's "piano", Barrington, "piano". | - I'll do my best.

- As many P's as you can muster, Rutland. | - Without landing us in the soup!

One, two, three, four!

# And go and show both friend and foe

# How much you dare, I'm quite aware

# It's your affair yet I declare

# I'd take your share but I don't

And going on!

- # I must decline | - # So I object

- # I must decline | - # So I object

- # I'd take your share | - # So I object

- # I'd take your share | - # So I object

# To sit in solemn silence in a...

Gentlemen. "Un poco pi viva", hm?

Now, before the double-bar line, | it's one, two, three, four.

Rate this script:2.0 / 2 votes