Topsy-Turvy Page #8

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And afterwards, one, two, three, four.

- Clear? | - Very quiet.

From here, please. One, two, three, four.

# Care, I don't much care, | I don't much care

# To sit in solemn silence | in a dull, dark dock

# In a pestilential prison | with a lifelong lock

# Awaiting the sensation | of a short, sharp shock

# From a cheap and chippy chopper | on a big, black block

# To sit in solemn silence | in a dull, dark dock

# In a pestilential prison | with a lifelong lock

# Awaiting the sensation | of a short, sharp shock

# From a cheap and chippy chopper | on a big, black block

# A dull, dark dock

# A lifelong lock

# A short, sharp shock

# A big, black block

# To sit in solemn silence | in a pestilential prison

# And awaiting the sensation | from a cheap and chippy chopper

# On a big

# Black

# Block

- Bravo! | - Splendid!

Louis! "Wir brauchen etwas Kaffee!"

Your coffee is ready, Sir Arthur.

- My word! | - First rate.

- Rutty, do go through. | - Thanks, old chap.

Do one's hands remain within, | Madame Leon?

Oh, no, my dear. No, no, no. Look! Here!

- Comme a. | - Oh, I see!

Voil!

Are you still troubled by | your understandings, Miss Bond?

- I'm in much pain this afternoon. | - I'm so sorry to hear it.

Ah, trs jolie, trs jolie. Superbe!

Such exquisite embroidery.

What are you wearing | underneath your gown?

Only my frillies.

Alas, no corsets, I'm afraid to say.

Shall we be revealing a little, | Madame Leon?

- I certainly hope not, Miss Braham. | - Oh, what a pity.

Do take care, Miss Morton!

Makes one rather drowsy.

- It does look comfortable, Sibyl. | - Indeed it is.

La kimono! Doucement, doucement! | Gently, gently.

Ooh, the silk is sublime, Madame Leon.

Indeed. | From Mr Liberty's store, don't you know?

Bona fide Japanese, | and just a "soupon" from gay Paris.

- Oui.

Is one to be prevented | from wearing one's corset?

None of the ladies shall be | wearing corsets during the performance.

- That's simply preposterous. | - Our aim is to emulate Japanese ladies.

And they are as thin as threadpaper!

As a Roman column | is opposed to a Grecian urn.

Quite so.

I fear for my reputation, don't you know?

I am following Mr Gilbert's instructions.

Mr Gilbert desires | the Japanese appearance.

That which Mr Gilbert desires, | Mr Gilbert must have. "Fait accompli!"

One can hardly cut a dash | in this... dressing gown!

Do stop fussing, Jessie, please!

- It's delightful, Madame Leon! | - Thank you.

- It's shapeless. | - Yes, Miss Bond, it is shapeless.

Japanese ladies are most shapeless...

...but there is no need | for "you" to be shapeless.

I have devised a solution - | if I may crave your indulgence.

Miss Morton... Miss Grey, | would you kindly raise your arms?

Merci, merci! | Now, the bow goes at the back.

The sash at the front, lined with calico.

Now... "tournez. Tournez, s'il vous plat."

Now, this may be laced | as tightly as you require.

Tournez... gauche, gauche.

Oui.

So you see, in effect, it is a corset!

- Where's the whalebone? | - There are no bones, Miss Bond.

Well, Madame Leon, I do fear | that if there are no bones...

...then it is plainly not a corset.

No, Miss Bond, it is not a corset, | but it may serve for a corset.

It may give you the shape you desire.

Tighter, please, Miss Morton, tighter!

I cannot appear on stage without a corset.

It certainly feels like a corset, Jessie.

You do resemble a birthday gift. | I could eat you.

Do forgive me, Miss Bond. One is | working to the best of one's abilities.

I fear sometimes it is not appreciated.

- That is the "hori". Am I correct, Wilhelm? | - Quite so, Mr Gilbert.

As opposed to the "zori", | which is the stocking, is it not?

- The stockings are the "tarbi", sir. | - Ah! "Tarbi".

- The sandals are the "zori". | - Exactly, sir.

I'm beginning to get it, Grossmith.

- Mr Gilbert. | - Lely?

Is this to be the length of my gown | for Nanki-Poo?

- I believe so. Wilhelm? | - Indeed it is.

Yes.

Do you not consider it to be perhaps... | too short?

Too short for what?

For propriety. | Might it not be rather unseemly?

- I'm sorry, unseemly to whom? | - To the audience of the Savoy Theatre.

Hmm. I shouldn't have thought so.

In any case, I shall be the judge.

Rest assured, Mr Lely, my designs | are properly researched and authentic.

No offence to you, Mr Wilhelm, | but your properly authentic costume...

...seems to have left me | in the buff somewhat!

- Quite. | - No more in the buff...

...than Japanese peasants | have been for the last 800 years.

May I draw your attention to the fact that | I am not, actually, a Japanese peasant.

No. You're a Scotch actor, who is | taking the part of a Japanese prince...

...who is posing as an itinerant minstrel.

Lely, I would be only too happy | for the tailor here...

...to chop off some of my surplus | and stitch it to your kilt.

Thank you, Grossmith. | I'm sure we shall reap the benefits...

...of your remonstrations in time.

Yes, GG. Do you not agree with me | that this garment is rather vulgar?

I do, as it happens.

Mr Grossmith...

...kindly oblige me by removing your hat.

Why, sir? Are you ready for me?

Would that I were, sir!

I'll thank you not to refer | to my designs as vulgar, Mr Lely.

Mr Wilhelm, to my eyes, your designs | are not only vulgar but obscene!

- How dare you, sir? | - Strong words, Lely. What do you mean?

Mr Gilbert, I'm a respectably married man | and I love my wife dearly.

One of the few pleasures | she has enjoyed...

...since the untimely demise | of my beloved mother-in-law...

...has been to watch me | perform upon the stage.

But I am not prepared to allow her to | suffer the embarrassment of seeing me...

...flaunted before the public like a... | half-dressed performing dog!

You have my sympathies, Lely.

But, unfortunately, | your avocation as an actor...

...compels you on occasion to endure | the most ignominious indignities...

...as Grossmith will doubtless testify.

- Without question, sir. | - Mr Lely, let me be clear.

I will not alter | one stitch of your costume...

...to protect the sensibilities of your wife...

...your children or any other member | of your unfortunate family.

Mr Wilhelm, I would strongly advise | you not to speak of my family...

...in such a despicable manner!

Sir.

Will you remove your corset?

I beg your pardon?!

Kindly remove your corset, Mr Lely.

It'll spoil the hang of the cloth.

Mr Gilbert.

I never perform without my corset.

- What, never? | - I'm afraid not, sir.

Why not?

One cannot produce | the required vocal vigour...

...without the necessary | diaphragmatical support...

...that the corset affords.

Come, come, Lely. | This is not grand opera in Milan.

It is merely low burlesque in a small | theatre on the banks of the Thames.

You have a fine, strong voice...

...which is more than adequate | for our purposes, corset or no corset.

Kindly remove it this instant.

You may retire behind the screen, | if you wish.

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