Topsy-Turvy Page #9

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Very well, sir.

But, may I just say...

...that in five years | of loyal service to this company...

...I have never, until now, | lodged a complaint.

Your noble restraint | has been much appreciated.

Thank you, sir.

# A wandering minstrel I

# A thing of shreds and patches

# Of ballads, songs and snatches

# And dreamy lullaby

# My catalogue is long

# Though every passion ranging

# And to your humours changing

# I tune my supple song

# I tune my supple song

# Are you in sentimental mood?

# I'll sigh with you

# Oh

# Sorrow

# On maiden's coldness do you brood?

# I'll do so, too

# Oh, sorrow

# Sorrow

# I'll charm your willing ears

# With songs of lovers' fears

# While sympathetic tears

# My cheeks bedew

# Oh, sorrow

# Sorrow

Thank you, Seymour!

Miss Sixpence Please, | would you kindly come along with me?

Make haste, make haste!

- Johnny. | - Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce | you all to Miss Sixpence Please?

You may have heard me speak of her | with reverence and respect. Thank you.

Very good. | Make yourselves comfortable.

Please be seated. Thank you.

Ah! Sir! My apologies. | I've been neglecting you.

Would you like to come this way?

No, it's all right, Seymour. | He can use your chair.

Here you are, sir. Be seated here.

Very good indeed. Pride of place, sir! | Make yourself comfortable.

Cellier!

Yes. Now.

D'Auban! Will you kindly withdraw | to the side of the stage immediately?

- Johnny! | - Thank you, "Monsieur" D'Auban!

Ladies, will you take up | your fans, please?

What I'd like you to do, sir, | is to observe the proceedings.

Would you give all your attention | to the performance? Thank you.

Barker, what are you doing? Joining in?

My dancing days are long over, | Mr Gilbert.

Over, Barker, but not forgotten.

Ladies, opening attitudes, "s'il vous plat".

From the beginning, | counting two bars, Mrs Russell.

- Thank you. | - One, two. Two, two.

# Three little maids from school are we

# Pert as a schoolgirl well can be

# Filled to the brim with girlish glee

- # Three little maids from school | - Fans!

# Everything is a source of fun

# Nobody's safe, for we care for none

# Life is a joke that's just begun

# Three little maids from school

All fans rising slowly...

- And! | - # Three little maids who all unwary

Stop! Thank you very much! | Now, Miss Sixpence...

Carte! I beg your pardon.

Let me introduce our Japanese guests.

Ladies. Mr D'Oyly Carte. Our proprietor.

- Please continue. | - Thank you very much.

Now. Miss Sixpence Please.

That performance | that you have witnessed...

...was not even remotely Japanese. | Am I right?

Japanese.

- Sir. Japanese? | - Japanese.

- No. | - No.

- Thank you very much. | - Excuse me, Mr Gilbert, sir.

- Japanese. | - Japanese.

- Yes. | - Yes.

- He hasn't got any idea what you mean. | - That's blatantly obvious, D'Auban!

- Parlate italiano? | - If he doesn't speak English...

...he's hardly likely to speak Italian!

I beg your pardon, Mr Gilbert.

Non posso lavorare cos!

It's a waste of time!

If you three ladies come with me, | please.

Please go to the back of the stage. | Thank you.

Yes, yes. Come upstage. | As quickly as you can. Come along.

Thank you.

- Thank you. | - Thank you very much indeed.

One, two, three.

Very good. Thank you.

Now, what I would like you to do | when the music commences...

...I would like you to advance downstage.

Thank you very much.

- Cellier. | - One, two. Two, two.

- Off you go. Come along.

Stop, stop!

Will this take long? | I'm to arrange a mazurka at four o'clock.

I have not made myself clear.

When Mrs Russell commences playing | the pianoforte, diddle-dum, diddle-dee...

...what I would like you to do | is to advance downstage.

"Comme a", diddle-dum, diddle-dee.

Do you understand? | I think you do. Let's try once more.

Cellier!

- One, two. Two, two.

Come along. That's it. Very good!

Excellent! That is exactly it! | Thank you very much indeed!

Excellent! First rate.

Thank you very much indeed.

D'Auban, that is exactly what I want.

I do beg your pardon, | but I appear to have missed the point.

- That is the very effect I need. | - And what effect exactly is that?

- What did they do? | - They walked downstage.

They appeared to me to be | ambling along the Strand.

They walked downstage | in the Japanese manner!

They walked in the Japanese manner | because they are Japanese.

Exactly! And that is precisely | why they are here.

Our maids are not Japanese. | However, they are very funny.

No funnier, however, than they would be | if they all sat down on pork pies.

- Young fella-me-lad, Mr Gilbert, sir.

I've arranged | Terpsichore, Chinese, Japanese...

...for pantomime, burlesque | and the ballet...

...for many a season, | always to great acclaim.

D'Auban... this is not low burlesque.

This is an entirely original | Japanese opera.

Miss Bond, Miss Braham and Miss Grey, | kindly resume your opening positions!

Please be seated once more. | Please be seated. Thank you.

Thank you!

Come along! | Come along, tortoise! Quickly, quickly!

What I would like you to do now | is to perform it...

...just as you have seen our guests | perform it. Thank you very much.

- Mr Gilbert! | - Yes, Jessie.

- Is that "exactly" as we have just seen? | - Exactly!

Without using "Monsieur" D'Auban's steps, | Mr Gilbert?

I want you to perform it | precisely as you have seen...

...our Japanese friends perform it. | Thank you very much!

- Exactement. C'est pas difficile. | - Very slowly and very boringly.

One, two. Two, two.

Very good!

First rate.

That is exactly right. | Thank you very much indeed!

That's as funny as when me tights caught | fire in Harlequin Meets ltchity-Switch.

Decorum in rehearsal, D'Auban.

That's the way, yes!

Very good indeed.

Try them together, try them together.

Three of them, do it all together. | The same noise.

One, two, three!

Ah! Excellent!

# Three little maids from school are we

# Pert as a schoolgirl well can be

# Filled to the brim with girlish glee

# Three little maids from school

# Everything is a source of fun

# Nobody's safe for we care for none

# Life is a joke that's just begun

# Three little maids from school

# Three little maids who all unwary

# Come from a ladies' seminary

# Freed from its genius tutelary

# Three little maids from school

# Three little maids from school

# One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum

# Two little maids in attendance come

# Three little maids is the total sum

# Three little maids from school

# From three little maids take one away

# Two little maids remain and they

# Won't have to wait very long, they say

# Three little maids from school

# Three little maids from school

# Three little maids who all unwary

# Come from a ladies' seminary

# Freed from its genius tutelary

# Three little maids from school

# Three little maids from school

Laughing, ha ha, chaffing, ha ha

Nectar quaffing, ha ha ha haa,

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