Trainwreck Page #9

Amy and Kim walk. Amy looks miserable.

KIM:

Stop doing that. Why are youbreathing weird?

AMY:

I’m not breathing weird.

KIM:

What's going on?

AMY:

I like him so much. Why do I feelso scared?

KIM:

Because you’ve always dated dummiesyou weren’t at risk of actuallyliking.

AMY:

Can we get a drink?

KIM:

No.

AMY:

One drink.

67.

KIM:

No, stop it.

AMY:

I’ve been dating for ninety years

and something always happens. Why

not this time?

KIM:

What could possibly happen?

AMY:

What if I forget to flush the

toilet and there’s a tampon in

there? And not like a cute, it’s

the last day-- I’m talking like a

crime scene tampon. Like Red

Wedding, Game of Thrones.

KIM:

Oh my gosh.

AMY:

Like a Quentin Tarantino, like a

real motherf***er of a tampon.

There’s like an ear on it. You know

what I mean? There's like

dealbreakers, you know?

Tom and Allister roller blade over.

AMY (CONT’D)

This does not seem safe.

KIM:

Hi.

AMY:

They’re always here.

TOM:

Is Amy crying?

KIM:

She’s in love.

TOM:

With Steven?

AMY/KIMNo!

68.

TOM:

I love Steven. He taught me thisworkout to get a beach bod.

AMY:

You look amazing. Really ripping it

up.

INT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

Slam dunk contest. An acrobatic dunk team is up.

AMY:

That was cool.

LeBron James enters.

LEBRON JAMES:

Hi, I’m LeBron James and welcome to

the Big Apple Jam Fest! Are you

guys ready to have some fun?

We hear an announcement over the speaker “And now the KnicksCity Dancers!” Infuriatingly tiny, hot dancers take centercourt and do a dance. Amy is grossed out.

AARON:

Knicks City Dancers!

AMY:

They’re just gyrating.

AARON:

These girls work really hard. Itreat them.

AMY:

You treat them?

AARON:

I do. They get really bad injuries.

AMY:

I bet. The pole isn’t always

greased right.

(towards the girls)

You’re gonna lose us the right to

vote.

The dance ends and the girls run off the court. Amy ishorrified.

69.

AMY (CONT’D)

How long is this?

AARON:

I don’t know, like an hour?

AMY:

I’m just asking.

One of the tiniest girls runs up to the sideline andaddresses Aaron. ALDEN, 19, gorgeous.

ALDEN:

Doctor Conners! Can you take a lookat my ankle? I think I rolled it.

AARON:

Yeah sure.

Aaron stands up.

AARON (CONT’D)

I’ll be right back.

LeBron approaches.

AMY:

Hi. You were so great. Everyoneflipped out when you came outthere.

LEBRON JAMES:

Thanks. But seriously, what’s thedeal here? What are yourintentions?

AMY:

My intentions?

LEBRON JAMES:

With my boy. What’s your plan?

AMY:

I don’t have a plan. We’ve beendating for six weeks. We’re justhanging out. Keeping it cas..

LEBRON JAMES:

You get butterflies when you hearhis name?

AMY:

Excuse me?

70.

LEBRON JAMES:

When you look in the clouds, do yousee his face? Do you hear his namewhen you listen to the wind?

AMY:

Um, yes.

LEBRON JAMES:

I really have to ask you a

question. Don't hurt him.

LeBron stares at her.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY

AMY (V.O.)

So we did it. Okay? We fell hardfor each other.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - SAILBOAT POND - DAY

Aaron is showing Amy how to sail his remote control sailboat.

He is wearing a captain’s hat.

AMY (V.O.)

Welcome to the whitest couple inAmerica. How did no one mug us thatday? Look at his hat.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY

Amy and Aaron kiss on a rock.

AMY (V.O.)

Now we’re kissing on a rock. Youknow how many homeless people havetaken a dump on that rock?

INT. SUBWAY - DAY

Amy and Aaron kiss.

AMY (V.O.)

Subway kissing. Ew. I love how tall

he is.

71.

EXT. AMY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Noam panhandles. Amy and Aaron pass him.

NOAM:

Whoa, easy dude. I’m a working mantoo, I get it.

AMY:

Hey Noam.

NOAM:

Whoa, inside sex. I’m digging that.

INT. GORDON’S NURSING HOME - NIGHT

Amy, Aaron, and Gordon are having a nice dinner they’ve setup at the dining area of the assisted living facility.

AMY (V.O.)

Even my dad likes him. He doesn’tlike anyone. He thought MotherTheresa was full of sh*t.

INT. AARON’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Amy and Aaron brush their teeth.

AMY (V.O.)

That’s my Aaron’s apartment

toothbrush. I have two

toothbrushes.

INT. AMY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Amy and Aaron spoon in bed.

AMY (V.O.)

I hope this love montage ends likeJonestown.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DUSK

Amy and Aaron sit on a bench by the Queensboro Bridge.

AMY (V.O.)

Ooh, I think this is where Woody

Allen met Soon-Yi.

She leans over to give him a bj.

72.

AMY (V.O.)

Ok, easy. That was a dare. I was

dared to do that.

INT. BASKETBALL GYM - DAY

LeBron and Aaron are talking while playing one-on-one.

LEBRON JAMES:

What’s up with you and Amy, how’sthat going?

AARON:

Amy? Thing’s are going awesome.

Real good. I really, really likeher, but she’s got some issues.

LeBron nonchalantly grabs the ball from him with one hand,

shoots and scores.

LEBRON JAMES:

That’s going to happen.

AARON:

Last night we went out drinking.

LEBRON JAMES:

You?

AARON:

Yeah. And I got hammered. She dranka lot and didn’t get drunk at all.

LeBron stuffs him, grabs the ball, and then dunks.

LEBRON JAMES:

You using protection?

AARON:

Oh yeah, of course. She’s gotlittle bowls of condoms around her

apartment.

LEBRON JAMES:

Condoms? I’m talking protection.

About a lawyer, non disclosureagreement. No penetration withoutrepresentation.

He dunks on Aaron again.

AARON:

Yeah you’re right.

73.

LEBRON JAMES:

Because you don’t want a baby mama.

Next thing you know you’re paying

for her Ferrari, a mansion. She’s

gonna want to start a jumpsuit line

and you’re gonna have to pay for

it. Do you wanna go through that?

Convince one of your friends to say

he’s the dad and raise the child.

Who wants to go through that? Kid

ends up being six seven, your

friend’s only five two. Eighteen

years later the kid comes and

writes a book about you saying how

big of a jackass you are. Eighteen

years. Your baby momma’s car and

crib is bigger than his. You can

turn on the TV any given Sunday,

win the Superbowl and drive off in

a Hyundai. She was supposed to buy

your shorty Tyco with your money,

then she went to the doctor to get

lypo with your money.

AARON:

What are you talking about?

LEBRON JAMES:

It’s Kanye.

AARON:

You’re quoting Kanye West to me?

You know what, Amy’s not like that.

At all. This is gonna be great. I

think she’s cool and I don’t have

to worry about that.

Aaron shoots and scores on LeBron

AARON (CONT’D)

Did you let me do that? Did I just

score on you? Yes. You are my b*tch

Lebron James.

LeBron takes a step toward Aaron.

AARON (CONT’D)

But not really. You gotta admit

that was a good shot. I scored on

Lebron James, I’m never playing

basketball again. Lunch is on you

buddy.

74.

Aaron leaves the gym. He walks back in and throws up chalk,

like Lebron.

LEBRON JAMES:

Damnit.

EXT. ASSISTED LIVING - GAZEBO - DAY

Gordon and Amy are sitting in a gazebo. Gordon reaches to ziphis sweatshirt. He is in pain and can’t.

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