Trouble for Two Page #3

One of these excellent

cream tarts?

Hey?

It'll cost you nothing whatever.

Oh, don't take it. Don't eat it.

Then you'll see what happens.

Go on. Don't take it.

What are you talking about?

Don't take it, and you'll die

laughing when you see.

Nah. Take it away.

Sorry.

Man:
He's been going up and down

the street for half an hour.

Blimey if he ain't.

I, uh - I think we better go

before he becomes wild.

No, no, no, major,

not at the moment.

Come on.

Eat up, eat up.

Everybody, get out.

And you, too. Go on.

You can't make this service

part of my place.

You're not bringing

any business.

Your point is well taken, sir,

and not without justice.

Oh, oh, quite right, sir.

Quite right.

Gentlemen,

will you do me the honor.

Of accepting

one of my cream tarts?

Oh, no, I don't think

I'd better.

Thank you very much.

Ooh, but I can assure you

of their quality,

Having eaten no less than 2 dozen

and 3 of them myself since 5:00.

Sir, the quality of the gift

does not interest me.

As much as the spirit

in which it is offered.

The spirit, sir,

is one of mockery.

Mockery? Whom do you

mock? Oh, myself, sir.

Only myself and my life,

Which now draws swiftly

to an end.

And now, gentlemen, I hope

you'll have one of my tarts.

For if you don't,

I must eat my 28th,

And I own to being weary

of the exercise.

Sir, you spoke of the end

of your life.

I did, sir.

But now, uh -

Not until I know

what the end of your life.

Has to do with these no doubt

superior cream tarts.

A fair inquiry, my dear sir.

It is only that I happen

to be cursed.

With a sense

of the fitness of things.

In bringing to a close

a life spent in folly,

It seems only right

to conclude it.

In the silliest

imaginable manner.

Sir, you are either

a madman or a poet.

Both, sir.

And now, gentlemen, if you'll

be kind enough to oblige me -

We should be delighted... upon

one condition. And that is?

That you join us for dinner

by way of recompense.

Oh, you're very kind, sir, but I

still have a number of tarts left.

How many?

There appear to be, um, 10.

My companion and I

are deeply sympathetic.

Over your predicament,

are we not, major?

Huh? Oh, yes, rather.

I propose that we each eat three

of the cream tarts,

The remaining one

to be disposed of by lot.

Shall we toss for it?

As you wish, sir.

Odd man gets the extra tart.

Mine's a head, sir.

And mine.

Yes, mine's a tail, hang it all.

Lucky chap.

So, having great talent

as a spendthrift,

I am penniless.

Having overindulged in all

the pleasures of the world,

I can no longer enjoy anything.

In short, the story of

a ridiculous and futile life.

I hope I haven't bored you

with the telling.

On the contrary, sir,

it's been very interesting -

A picture of a life extravagant,

romantic, and useless.

I feel a great kinship

with you, sir.

Thank you.

Perhaps then you can understand

how a man as young as I.

Can be so heartily weary of life.

That he literally has made up

his mind to die.

A very understandable

philosophy indeed, sir.

May I remind you

that we're expected elsewhere?

And I too have a last

appointment that will not wait.

Gentlemen, I've exceedingly

enjoyed your company.

I regret that we shan't meet

again in this world.

This appointment of which

you speak -

Forgive me, sir.

It concerns myself,

myself alone.

I do not ask from idle

curiosity, believe me.

I go to keep my tryst

with death.

You really speak of suicide?

Please, do me the courtesy, sir,

of believing me.

I would not doubt

your words, sir.

But have you considered the

result of so serious an action?

Think of your family,

think of your good name,

The stigma of suicide.

Surely, this very sense

of the fitness of things.

Of which you speak

should prevent you -

Now, there I have you.

It is my one last victory

over life.

That I have found a way to

achieve death without the disgrace.

That ordinarily

attaches itself to suicide.

I do not understand you, sir.

How is that possible?

I regret that I'm not at liberty

to tell you that, sir.

May I again tell you that I

do not ask from idle curiosity?

I don't follow you.

Perhaps you will

if I tell you, though,

You had no way of knowing.

That you see before you

two gentlemen.

As desperate as yourself.

Indeed?

My friend the major

will corroborate me.

What do you mean?

I mean that my unfortunate

friend and I.

Are no less determined than you.

To put an end to an existence

which is bitter and futile.

Like you, we seek an exit.

Which is not too vulgar

for men of taste and quality.

Oh, look here, I say -

Surely, gentlemen,

you speak in jest.

But that is your affair.

Here is your health.

And good night to you,

my merry ruined men.

Since we are determined,

why can't we go,

All three of us,

together into the next world?

Gentlemen,

even in this brief meeting,

I've come to like you

very greatly indeed.

Why should I not

repay your kindness.

By doing you perhaps

the greatest service.

That, under the circumstances,

one man may do another?

Why not, indeed?

But first, I have your word that

you won't betray my confidence?

Of course. Uh-Huh.

Good.

Then you may consider

your problems at an end.

Splendid.

And how is this arranged?

Quite simply. The suicide club.

Suicide club?

Exactly.

Death's private door.

Once through that door,

All is arranged for you

by expert minds.

By your own choice, you die,

but not by your own hands,

Swiftly, apparently accidently,

without the disgrace of suicide.

In short, in a manner

becoming a gentleman.

You amaze me, sir.

Such a place really exists?

I trust that you will again

do me the honor.

Not to doubt my word.

It does indeed exist.

Only naturally,

it's a very secret enterprise.

And how are these extraordinary

results obtained?

For that, no man may know.

Until he enters the portals

of the club.

Is there any reason why you

can't take us with you?

Not if you have

100 pounds apiece.

Aha, 100 pounds. There you are.

Not for me. It's

the admission fee to the club.

The rule is strict.

Accursed life, but even decent

death has become a luxury.

Well, gentlemen,

it's getting late.

Do you come with me

or not? By all means.

And you, sir? Uh, yes, rather.

Then we must be off.

In half an hour,

the door will be barred.

The door? What door?

The door of death.

Return to the hotel.

Follow that cab,

not too closely.

Uh, will you, major?

Oh, yes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll

go make a preliminary arrangement.

With the president of the club.

Of all your follies, this is

the wildest and most dangerous.

While there's still time, I -

Aren't you attaching

too much importance.

To this young man's

story, major?

Surely, nothing so preposterous

really exists.

How do we know it?

It may be a plot.

It may be anything.

I see in it some elaborate

sort of a joke,

Some ingenious machinery

to relieve us of 200 pounds.

But we'd be buying

200 pounds worth.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes