Trouble for Two Page #4

Of excitement and adventure.

Yes, well, it's all in

very bad taste, I must say.

Am I to understand

that the major is afraid?

My fear is certainly

not personal, sir.

I'm sorry, major.

Well, then...

Good evening, gentlemen.

Good evening.

I'm told you wish

to speak to me.

We are greatly desirous, sir,

of joining your club.

Yes, the, uh, the suicide club.

The suicide club?

Well, I - We thought

that you were the president.

I, president of a suicide club?

Come, come, I can make

alliances with gentlemen.

Merry in their liquor,

But this is a folly

for all fools' day.

This is a private club,

gentlemen.

I'm afraid you made a mistake.

Oh, well, in that case,

If we're intruding, I'm sorry.

This is not fair, sir.

This is not fair.

I have abided faithfully

by your rules.

Now I appeal to you

as president of this club.

I must have the ace of spades.

And the happy release

of death tonight.

Calm yourself, I beg of you,

sir frederick.

Yes, tonight.

I suggest a glass of brandy.

But to-But tonight.

Tell me, gentlemen, what reason

can you possibly have.

For, what shall I say,

terminating your existence?

A very excellent reason, sir.

My friend here has been

dismissed from the army.

For cheating at cards.

The chagrin of being caught

preys upon him.

An excellent reason, indeed.

And you, sir?

Let us say that my reason

is one of weariness,

Weariness at the reflection

that inevitably greets me.

In my shaving mirror

each morning.

In short, sir,

the futility of existence.

Gentlemen,

I believe you sufficiently.

That I'm about to go against

all precedent.

And do you the honor

of admitting you immediately.

You may readily understand

how unusual this procedure is.

When I point out.

That the humanitarian ideals

of our society.

Are somewhat too, shall we say,

advanced and enlightened.

For our friends the police

to understand.

We fully appreciate the delicacy

of your position, sir.

The choice to all matters

is decided.

Rather than deny men

such as you,

I'll strain the regulations.

Yes, well, don't strain them

too much if you...

You have honored us, sir.

And we are grateful.

Down this way, gentlemen.

Oh, I'd almost forgotten.

You have the trifling matter

of 100 pounds each,

I presume - The initiation fee?

Certainly.

And a very reasonable sum,

too, sir.

Will you, major?

Oh, yes.

Very reasonable price.

I always thought death

was rather a lonely fellow.

He seems to have quite a number

of visitors here tonight.

When the night is over,

one of those hats and coats.

Will no longer hang there.

Now, if you'll register.

"Theophilus Godall."

"Alfred Hammersmight."

Obviously pseudonyms.

But no matter.

I doubt if there's

a correct name on the register.

Now, gentlemen,

the club is yours.

You mean, we just go in there

and be slaughtered?

Nothing so crude as that.

If we possess nothing else,

we possess finesse.

Oh, well, uh, how is it, uh -

I mean, how do we, uh -

I regret, gentlemen,

that my time just now.

Is too occupied

for explanations.

You'll find out in due time.

Isn't that the man who spoke

of the ace of spades?

Yes.

I wonder what he meant.

You know, I have a funny idea.

That this isn't quite

what we expect.

Never mind, major.

We will find out.

Just a moment, major.

Good evening.

Madam, I -

Man:
Gentlemen, if you please.

The deal.

Attention, gentlemen.

Silence, please.

For the benefit

of our new members,

I remind you the ace of clubs

designates the executioner,

The ace of spades,

the card of death,

The fortunate victim.

Is that clear?

The five of clubs.

Seven of hearts.

Man:
Two of spades.

Man 2:
Five of diamonds.

Nine of hearts.

Nine of spades.

Man 3:
Nine of clubs.

Ace of spades.

You are content

with the card, mr. Barnley?

I thank you, sir.

Man 4:
Seven of clubs.

Nine of diamonds.

The ace of clubs.

If mr. Barnley

and miss vandeleur.

Will kindly step this way,

I'll give them

their instructions.

Come on, sir,

let's get out of here.

Wait, gerry, wait.

When she comes out of that room,

we're going to follow her.

Follow her? I must talk to her.

I must find out

what this is all about.

Gentlemen, you're all at liberty

to leave when you wish.

The principals have gone.

The lady has gone, sir?

Yes, quite some time ago

by the customary private exit.

Perhaps you were not informed.

It is a rule of the club

that no one can leave.

Until the principals have gone.

To forestall curiosity

on the part of other members.

I shall expect you

tomorrow night.

I never saw anything like it -

Those monstrous, weird,

distorted minds.

And that malthus.

Nonsense. It can't be so.

For this is london -

The fog, the lights,

the sounds of the city.

It's fantastic.

It can't be real.

You saw it with your own eyes.

And that lovely girl -

At this very moment conveying

that misguided,

Unfortunate youth

through the night to his death.

Nonsense, I tell you.

Why, she couldn't.

She isn't capable.

I wish I were as sure.

Isn't there something

we can do about it?

Yes, there's something

we can do about it.

We can go home and have a drink

and forget about it.

Oh.

Will you please go away?

Thank you, sir.

Is everything all right, sir?

Oh, yes. Everything's splendid.

The coffee's like dishwater,

the eggs are underdone,

And the toast is cold.

Thank you, sir.

Anything else, sir?

No. Yes, get out of here.

Thank you, sir.

Looks like a very fine day.

As a matter of fact -

Good grief!

What is it?

Listen to this.

Yeah?

"Died - Barnley."

Barnley?!

"Cecil carteret,

"Son of the honorable

richard carteret barnley.

Suddenly, on april 13th,

age 26 years and 2 months."

"Interment - Private."

Good heavens! That girl -

She did it! She killed him!

Oh, but, your highness,

this is madness.

We should never

have come here again.

We ought to have turned the

whole matter over to the police.

Gerry, I warned you.

If you say one word to

the police, you'll answer to me.

Oh, but.

I can't believe this girl is a murderess.

I won't believe it. But even -

There must be some explanation

for this,

And I'm going to find out

what it is.

Well, all right, then.

Let us go in.

Good lad.

Permit me to commend you

upon the efficiency.

With which you discharged

your obligations of last night.

Miss vandeleur:
Thank you.

Attention, then, gentlemen.

The deal.

Five of spades.

King of clubs.

Man:
The eight of diamonds.

Man 2:
Deuce of clubs.

Five of clubs.

The ace of spades.

Congratulations, sir.

Thank you.

Man 3:
Queen of hearts.

Man 4:
Four of diamonds.

Six of clubs.

The ace of clubs.

Well, miss vandeleur,

Fate seems to choose you

as her instrument.

With amusing regularity.

A witticism of eternity,

one might say.

Hmm.

Oh, the formalities.

Miss vandeleur,

Perhaps you have not met

your colleague mr. Godall?

Delighted, miss vandeleur.

It's very nice of you to, uh -

How do you do?

If you'll excuse us,

I'll give miss vandeleur

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