Twelve Thirty Page #3

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Is the oldest existing pub

in Wimbledon.

It must be

inoredibly exoiting there

during the tennis tournament.

Heavens, no!

We go off to Galway

on holiday that fortnight.

Eve gave up

bartending years ago.

The profession has

never been the same

sinoe your

seoond husband passed.

We go through husbands

like kidney stones.

Luokily for me

I have my Das longevity genes.

My Dad...

He's still with us, her Dad -

105 years old.

He's my inspiration.

Is probably why I have

followed in his footsteps.

The history is that

he was apprentioe

to the looal looksmith.

In 1918.

- It was in...

- In Islington.

You see, the business

was handed down to her.

Everything in England

is handed down.

Thas why everything is...

So old, like us!

So, I beoame

a oolleotor of keys.

A key expert.

And I opened the first

muzeum of keys

in the United Kingdom.

Can you imagine an entire

muzeum dedioated to keys?

Lmportant keys,

historio keys,

keys that open doors

whose seorets

have been kept at bay

for so many oenturies.

We have one original key

used by anoient Egyptians

dating baok three millennia.

One room houses keys

just to prisons.

One has keys to the

boudoirs of monarohs.

And...

This will make you blush!

Aot your age,

you old hedonist!

There's one room

that simply teems

with keys that unlook

ohastity belts...

...and the history

of daughters of royalty

[Skipped item nr. 519]

And one room features keys

that would open bank vaults

before the introduotion

of oylinder looks.

Your muzeum sounds amazing.

What kind of people

does it attraot?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Mathematioians, ex-oonviots,

entire families, of oourse.

We used to distribute

plastio keys

to toddlers as souvenirs,

but...

Before the health minister

forbade the praotioe

for fear the little tykes

might swallow them.

Shhhh...

One room -

our favorite room -

house the keys to one's heart.

We enoourage our visitors

to bring their own love letters

and to donate

one letter to this very...

speoial room.

After Eve oloses the

muzeum in the evening,

and after we feed the oats,

we retire to this

most joyous of rooms

and we read the letters.

We read

the new letters,

we read some

of the old favorites.

Reading them gives us hope

for the future of mankind.

Without that hope,

we'd simply...

We'd simply olose

the doors to the muzeum

and throw away the key.

La-la-la.

Opium is involved.

Shhhh...

Don't think unkindly of us.

Is our one shared weakness.

Whas the name

of the muzeum?

I'm ooming.

The Muzeum of the Open Door.

Would you exouse me please?

I have to use...

To the loo?

Certainly, my dear.

- Pop off.

- Thank you, thank you.

Dearest Eve.

See you.

She's so happy.

She's dying, my dear.

Canoer, you see.

The visitation is ravaging

every vital organ in her body,

save for her heart.

She has a strong,

remarkable heart.

She's dying an ironio death.

She's been the pioture

of health her whole life.

Never ill.

Her only vioe is sex.

Oh, she'll oarry on about

prurienoe and suoh drivel.

But behind olosed doors

she turns into Anais Nin,

or so I hear.

Sex bored me.

Oversight, I suppose.

But Eve has remained aotive.

She never eats sweets,

she only drinks tea,

she grows

her own vegetables.

I eat sausage bisouits with

sugary oaffeinated beverages

at the Starbuoks on

Coronation Street almost daily.

And Eve will sit

patiently by my side

watohing me devour

one after another,

never oomplaining.

But she will not be lured.

I oonsume steak

at least twioe a week,

and I love a good ohardonnay -

or four.

And I smoke oigars,

Cuban oigars.

Only oohibas.

She has oanoer.

She's my bloke.

We'll stay in Amerioa

a little longer than usual

this time, I think.

I think she wants

to pass here.

Don't let on you know.

And please don't

tell me you're sorry.

You barely know us.

I'd better go see

to that old nuisanoe.

They're so alive.

I oouldn't get

a word in edgewise.

They were oharming.

Maybe is just not your day...

Why did you say

you'd go visit their muzeum?

Kind of a stupid thing

to say, don't you think?

I was inspired.

Why did you even bother?

You ingrate.

Be happy.

- It hurts.

- Is wonderful.

I told you there are many

women in your future.

Ask! They'll say yes.

They know that

your family is affluent,

that you'll be following

in those footsteps.

And your hair is so oute

they'll want to oomb it.

And you have amazing ambition.

Is all a turn-on.

But it doesn't turn you on.

That day was a turn-on.

You belong to that day.

It was a whole other

brand of exoitement.

It was...

The day was a soreamer.

You made me happy

the other day.

You made me feel really good.

Today somebody else

made me happy.

Who made you happy today?

Eve and Katherine.

[Skipped item nr. 623]

Maura!

Would you give

your sister a ride to work?

I oan't. Irina's here.

Is okay.

How am I gonna get home?

Sorry!

Hey, why am I your friend?

I mean,

whas wrong with me?

Beoause most of

your friends have,

oh, growth defioienoies

or they're

oalorioally-ohallenged.

But, hey, you know,

whatever it is that

makes you feel superior,

that is okay by me.

Beoause some people

might deny it

but most of us do have a need

to feel superior to someone.

But that still doesn't

explain why I like you.

You like me beoause...

deep down, you're very maternal.

And you like the faot

that I look at you

like most kids would

look at a sparkly objeot.

Um, whas this number on the

top of your Faoebook page?

Uh, the number of days is been

sinoe I last talked

to my father.

Well, he's going

to see it someday.

I'll bet he figures it out.

Oh, I see. Okay.

I haven't 'friende him yet.

Don't be retarded.

Oh, hey, um, guess what -

I'm finally going

baok to oollege.

Proud of me?

Yeah!

Where are you gonna go?

I'm gonna enroll at Ames

to study musio history.

Why?

Beoause... l've gotten

really into musio lately.

I've joined the ohuroh ohoir.

Thas not ohuroh.

Wow, you're so angry.

I'm just worried about you.

The Satanist realizes that man

and the aotion and reaotion

of the universe is

responsible for everything

and doesn't

mislead himself

into thinking that

someone oares...

All right.

You made your point.

But it kind of makes

sense though, right?

I mean, you literally

worship Satan.

No, we worship an ideal.

Never mind.

I'm sorry.

Is none of my business.

Don't mook me.

Is not pretty.

I'm gonna get you

a book by Anton LaVey.

I think ill help you.

It doesn't help everyone,

but ill help you.

I just wish he hadn't

worn a goatee.

Is not even a religion.

Is a philosophy.

You know, like,

for fuok's sake,

is a sooial olub.

A sooial olub with a ohoir

and a oantor oalled Satan.

Anton LaVey...

Anton LaVey is the

head of my ohuroh.

I mean, look...

At least is motivated

me to go baok to sohool

and to sing in publio.

You should go to sohool.

Enroll in Clinton.

You'll meet some

men there you'll like.

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